Today is my first official day following the Sonoma Diet. I made some things last night to have for lunch today. I cooked several chicken breasts that I can use in at least 3 different recipes. Today I'm trying the chicken with black bean spread wrap. I made the black bean spread myself and I'm having a side salad with lime vinagrette that I made myself. I feel like I should be on Food Network with all the homemade stuff I made. I'll definetly have to do a lot of cooking on the weekends, make as much as I can ahead of time. Right now I'm all gung ho, I just hope I can keep the momentum after I've been doing this awhile.

My sister has now changed her picnic to a family dinner because of the predicted rain that way she can have it inside. Grrr....I guess there's no getting out of it. I wish I didn't feel this way but it is what it is. And if my mil feels better we'll be havig my fil's b-day dinner on Saturday which means I'll be spending the day with my sil and it will be a day full of big productions over every little thing, especially if her kids fall down. Then Sunday I will go to my sister's and it will be all uncomfortable and tense, at least for me. Monday I'm not going anywhere, I'm going to stay home and cook.

I'm just going to pray for God to change my heart.

The kids are still making out well in school. Miss Moody really likes field hockey and she's doing so well. Girly Girl's two good friends are now playing on the junior field hockey team and these two friends are also in class together. Girly Girl is worried that they'll become better friends and leave her out. I'm hoping that doesn't happen too. I'll just have to make sure she gets to have her friends come over on the weekends.

I wish I was better about that, having the kids have friends over. I'm better about it during the school year. I want the kids and their friends to hang out at our house and I'm hoping as everyone gets older they will. I'm just not real good about planning for it, you know? Since we live in the boonies, it's not like we have friends down the street or anything.

Do your kids have their friends over a lot?

Having to get up at 5:30am again is for the birds. Thank God the kids have been getting up pretty well. The weirdest change has been that older daughter who I will refer to as Miss Moody from now on, is getting up all on her own now so when I go to get her brother and sister up, she's doing her hair and getting all prettied up for the day. Sonny Boy still gets up as usual, he's ready to roll pretty much as soon as his feet hit the floor. Now younger daughter who I will refer to as Girly Girl from now on, is a much different story. She hates waking up early, just like me. And she has a double crown in her scalp which makes her long hair all crazy and turned all about, just like me except my hair isn't long anymore but it was when I was kid and there are many pictures of me with my hair all over the place because my mom refused to cut my pretty white blonde hair. Wow, that was a run on sentence! Anyway, when she does finally get out of bed she walks all stiff like because her feet are stiff in the morning, just like me. Somehow she manages to get herself downstairs where she lays on the sofa until I make her get dressed. I have a feeling she's going to be one of those people late for work.

But there is something about seeing your kids all sleepy in their beds, with the sheets still warm from their bodies. This morning was dark and gloomy out which makes it even harder to get moving and I just wanted to curl up in their beds with them.

We have actually had some rain here the last couple of days and we need it. It hasn't rained since early July I think and it's been dry. Very dry. We've been losing leaves off the trees because it's so dry, it looks like fall at our house. I think we may be getting the remnants of Tropical Storm Ernesto this weekend.

Maybe my sister will cancel her picnic?

I bit the bullet and have decided to follow the Sonoma Diet rather than Weight Watchers. Mainly because I love how the Sonoma Diet advocates natural foods more than prepackaged. Not that Weight Watchers does but I just liked the concept of the Sonoma Diet better. It's going to be a challenge though because I will have to be more prepared and will probably have to do a lot of cooking and prepping on Sundays to be ready for the week. I just feel that this is something I need to do because I know how I've been eating isn't helping my body. I certainly haven't had much energy and I need all the energy I can get.

Do you fix most of your meals from scratch or are you like me and cook out of the box half the time?

Everyone had a good first day of school. Sonny boy really likes his teacher but I think after the fiasco of last year, anything is better. Older daughter made out well too. Apparently they've split the 8th grade into two groups which means for all of her subject classes she is only with her group and she only eats lunch with her group. She does have her UA's (gym,band,computer) with the other kids though. Apparently they have done this because the 8th grade is so large but it's no different than it has been. I think it's to help with the disciplinary problems. Either way, she is very happy with it. Younger daughter made out well too even though she's not with any of her friends. I know she will be fine, she makes friends easily.

It was so strange to come home from work to an empty house. It was so quiet. I just sat and relished the peace. Once they got home it was a flurry of activity, they each had to tell me about their day, then we had to get homework done before practices.

I do worry about older daughter and I'm trying not to show it or dwell on it. I know that she is extremely sensitive and gets offended easily so I try and keep that in mind when she's telling me how other girls are treating her. But then I also remember how vicious other girls can be and I remember how hard it was. And I also know that she needs to learn to deal with it all because it's not going to get any easier. I know that I am biased but she is a very pretty girl, she's naturally pretty, one of those girls that looks better without make up. Over the summer her looks have changed, she's gotten taller and slimmer. She cut her hair. She looks older than most girls her age. So I don't doubt there are girls giving her dirty looks and I know there are certain girls that really don't like her. But isn't that life? Not everyone is going to like you and there will be people that will find any reason possible to justify it.

I talk with her about having a forgiving spirit but it is hard. I struggle with it too. Sometimes though I just wonder how bad it really is though. I want her to have friends and enjoy being young. I worry though that she expects too much out of these girls and because of that she will always be disappointed.

Makes me wonder if I do the same.

The kids are in school now, it's hard to believe summer vacation is over, I feel like it just started. The kids got up with no problems and we made it out of the house on time. I think I had a harder time getting moving.

I've had mixed feelings about them going back to school. Part of me hates to send them because I can't control what they are exposed to or who they are hanging around. I know older daughter was anxious to get back to school and see her friends and that's not always a good thing. I'm not looking forward to the homework battles either, mostly with my son. But on the other hand, I like the structure that comes with the school year and that we are more scheduled. I also know that the kids were really getting on each other's nerves so it was time they had a break from each other.

We had a good weekend though. We went crabbing in the river and caught about 3/4's of a bushel which is the best we've ever done in the river. So we got to eat crabs all weekend. I even organized my kitchen some more and went through younger daughter's clothes and organized everything.

My sister is planning a picnic for next weekend which also happens to be my fil's birthday weekend. My mil hasn't decided if she is having his party on Saturday or Sunday yet and my sister keeps bugging me about it. I told her to just plan her picnic and we would try and make it, we might have to just split our time. She's like can't you just tell J(my mil) that you need to know because I'm having a picnic and I want you there.

Um hello but not everyone plans their life around what you want.

And I'm not going to miss my fil's party because it's important to JR and my kids. And I'm not going to bug my mil either, she's been sick for a few days and I'm just not going to be on her about the party.

So I guess my sister will have to deal with it.

I feel like saying, wasn't that one weekend enough? Because technically, if we go to her picnic, the following weekend is older daughter's birthday and if I have family over for cake and ice cream, that means that will be two weekends in a row that we're all together.

I know, I'm mean, aren't I? But really, I can only take her in small doses, she's too demanding for me. I have enough people demanding my time, I don't need her to do it too.

Oh and I had a lawyer call my house Friday morning looking for my father. I'm not sure what's going on and he couldn't tell me. Not that I want to know, I'm sure it's because he hasn't paid on something, we've been through that before with him. I just don't want to be involved.

We have a full week of practices so between school and sports we will be pretty busy. At least the kids will sleep good.

How was your weekend? Got any plans for Labor Day weekend?

I've been having headaches a lot lately. I'm not sure if they would classify as migraines. I've never had problems with headaches before, usually if I have one it's sinus related. Yesterday afternoon I felt like my head was in a vice and I was even nauseated.

One thing I have experienced from time to time for several years is something that I would call a face ache. The right side of my face including my scalp aches and is extremely sensitive to touch which makes brushing my hair a whole lot of fun. My right ear will hurt and my gums on the right side will get swollen and painful. Sometimes the lymph node under my jaw on the right side will get large and painful. I've noticed this will happen during times of great stress or if I get too tired for too long or by hormones.

I used to experience this quite often and it had been a long time before it happened last week. Saturday and Sunday I felt terrible with it because I get these shooting pains in my head as well but usually if I take some motrin I can muddle through. The fatigue is rough though.

This time I think it was hormonal because I started my period a week early which I rarely do. So I'm wondering if the headaches are a part of it too.

Either way I'm tired of them. Yesterday I had to take older daughter to field hockey and I just sat in the van the entire time. Thankfully JR was able to get home and take the other two to their practices. I took Excedrin migraine which did work eventually and I drank a ton of water trying to hydrate myself, hoping that would help.

And looking back to last month I had a lot of headaches around my period. Not as bad as yesterdays but I can remember having to take motrin for several days to get rid of them.

I've read blogs where people suffer with migraines and they end up in bed with them. I truly hope that this is just some passing thing because there is no way I can be in bed for 2 days.

Do you have migraines or bad headaches? Got any advice?

Nothing good to blog today. Younger daughter's soccer practice got cancelled last night and moved to tonight which will make things a little challenging because older daughter has field hockey practice in another town and sonny boy has soccer practice but at least his is at the same park as younger daughter. JR will probably be working late, he has to meet with one of our customers and the meeting will most likely run long. So basically I will be running the roads tonight.

Sonny boy hurt his ankle last week at practice. He's complained of it hurting but it doesn't hurt enough to stop him from doing anything. By the end of practice last night he was limping and I could tell he was hurting even though I had wrapped it with an ace bandage. His ankle was a little swollen and I could see a faint bruise so we iced it up and but it in a brace which he hates. This morning his ankle looked fine but I told him he has to stay off of it today, keep it elevated, take his motrin and ice it. I'm not sure if he will practice tonight.

I mentioned how I spent most of my weekend with my sister and how I don't spend much time with her anymore. I like to blame it on my schedule which is busy or that we don't live close which we don't. All of those are valid excuses but are not the actual truth. I am very uncomfortable around her, I don't feel like I can relax. Sometimes I feel like I'm under this microscope, that she's analyzing me, studying how I am.

But if I am going to be honest here, I have to say that after having gone through everything with our mom and afterwards, it was like my eyes were opened. I never realized what a selfish person she was. I never realized how she liked to make me feel small, or wrong or dumb. Like I was the one that didn't have a clue.

I won't go into great detail here about all the events that led up to me realizing how it really was. To sum it all up in a nutshell she felt she was more entitled to things and I had to make the choice of turning the other cheek because I was not going to dishonor my mother in that way. Even though I had everyone else around me telling me to fight it, I refused because I knew that wasn't the right thing to do.

And after making that decision, I had to sit back and watch her enjoy herself as I sank further and further into a pit of depression. She was out buying a new Jeep, paying off debt, planning a wedding and I was having nightmares, panic attacks and shutting myself away.

But I was the one that was wrong. I grieved wrong, I dealt with things wrong. Just because I wasn't doing things her way, because I wasn't just letting her do all those things and being ok with it. I wasn't letting her have her way. I was wrong.

Now I know that I wasn't wrong. If nothing else, I've learned a lot about myself over the last 3 years. I've learned a lot about why I do certain things. There's a lot about myself that I'm not very pleased with but slowly, I'm seeing that I'm not wrong. I'm just not her and I don't want to be her. I'm not going to change how I live or what I believe in order to have her acceptance. I don't need to do that anymore.

As I've healed, I've grown. I've made a life for myself that doesn't include her in the same way as before. Not that she's not a part of my life. It's just different. I guess you could say her placement is different. I had to make some tough decisions back when I was trying to get well. I spent time figuring how what I needed to do and I did it. Like I had to stop visiting Mom's grave so much, I had to stop thinking about her death-I would literally tell myself NO! when I found msyelf thinking about it, I had to cut some people that were family out of my life and I had to change some relationships with family.

At first, things were fine because she was so caught up in her new life and then it was like she realized that I wasn't around as much. So now she's trying to make things like they used to be rather than just accepting this is how it is. I want to spend time with her but it's not going to be every week like before. She's not going to bully me into her way of thinking, that's over.

There is still a part of me that is angry with her too. Angry at her selfishness, angry at her disregard of my children, angry at her arrogance. I need to work on those feelings and let them go, they aren't beneficial.

As sad as it is, I know that I can't have her all up in my life again. I've worked so hard to get where I am and I've done it on my own terms. I've prayed and tried to follow what I feel God has been showing me.

She's not accepting this though. It's not what she wants so she's going to pull out all the stops. First it will be she's concerned about my mental health, then she'll try and bully me.

Not gonna happen though.

Have you had to make tough decisions regarding family?

Older daughter made out very well last night at field hockey. I wasn't so sure how it was going to go. As soon as I got home from work yesterday, she started up. She didn't want to go, all the usual stuff. I told her that it was normal to feel nervous but she can't keep letting nervousness keep her from doing new things. I basically told her she had to suck it up and go. And she did great. She ended up knowing more people than she thought she would and I even saw her talking to girls she didn't know. She was very proud of herself and excited about it all when we got home.

So now Monday through Thursday we will be having practices which means we won't be eating dinner most nights until 7:30pm to 8pm. I hate eating that late but the kids don't like having a full belly before practice and JR isn't even home yet by the time I'm leaving to take everybody. I plan on using the crock pot a lot and cooking stuff ahead of time so we can just reheat it.

I organized the cabinet under my stove, now I just need to scrub it and get the racks I want to put in there. Next is the laundry room and the upstairs closet, both will take me a long time to go through but I'm determined to get this done. I also need to go through all the kids clothes and get rid of everything that they don't wear anymore or they've outgrown. I keep so much of older daughter's stuff for younger daughter but half the time younger daughter doesn't like it because she's more girly girl and older daughter doesn't like to dress up. I need to just get rid of all those old clothes, I will have so much more room in the upstairs closet.

I also want to get on a better cleaning schedule. Do you have a cleaning schedule or do you just clean whenever?

Note To Self:

Don't renew your in-laws cell phone contract over the phone with Verizon.

Actually don't do order anything from Verizon over the phone or online.

But really don't do it for your in-laws.

Ever again.

I hate Verizon.

This morning I took 3 giggling, energetic little girls to dance camp. Wow, what a way to start a Monday. At least they were happy.

I went to the scrapbooking thing on Saturday. I was gone from 9am to 9pm and I loved it. My sister left before I did. I got younger daughter's dance recital book done too. I plan on going back to the next one in October. I am so glad I went.

Sunday we celebrated my sister's b-day, ate some crabs, had cake and ice cream. It was a pretty good day. Got to see my nephew that I haven't seen in about 3 months or so, he's living in PA now so I don't see him much. It was interesting spending the majority of my weekend with my sister, I don't spend much time with her anymore and I don't talk to her much either. If I do, it's very brief. It's amazing how our relationship changed after mom died, it's almost like she was the glue that held us together. Or maybe it's because I changed. I don't know. I do know that after going through all that with mom, I saw a different side to my sister or maybe I finally saw her for who she was. Either way, things are different. I know that I changed a lot too. I know that I never truly realized how bossy she is, I guess that's what makes her a good manager at work but goodness. Her poor husband is practically her slave and she likes to make sure everyone knows it. It's almost embarassing to watch him just jump at her every beck and call. To each his own I guess.

I didn't do very well on the eating front but I do plan on walking this week while the kids are at soccer practice. Older daughter has her first field hockey practice tonight, I'm praying it goes well.

I wasn't home to do much organization this weekend but I plan on working a little each day this week. My first mission is to organize the cabinet underneath my oven and buy some racks to keep my cookie sheets and baking stones neater. I've organized my tupperware cabinet and it looks so nice. My next big thing will be to organize my laundry room. I have 3 walls with wire shelves that I use for storage and a pantry. It's gotten out of hand and I need to get rid of stuff and organize it better. That will be an all day job though.

This is the kids last week of summer, this time next week they will be in school. Younger daughter isn't too happy about not being in class with any of her friends this year. The teacher is wonderful though and I just don't feel like I should move her out of there just because she won't be with friends. If anything, it might be a good thing, she can concentrate better during class time and play with her friends at recess. She'll still be in dance class with them so that will be good.

Do you think that is the right thing? To keep her in a class with no friends but a great teacher?

I've been off work the last two days, I've been running errands getting all the shopping done for school stuff. Next week is a busy week so I won't have time so we did it now.

It was nice being off and just running around with the kids. I miss those days when I didn't have such a tight schedule, when I was home more. I miss being home with the kids but once they are back in school, I'm glad I have work to get me out of the house.

Soccer practices are now officially on. We've been to practices Tuesday and Wednesday and will be there again tonight. Next week practices will be Monday through Thursday because older daughter starts field hockey. She's a little nervous because she's never played before and she's not sure if she will know anyone on the team. It's a great way for her to get to know other girls that she will be going to high school with next year. There were 2 girls that she knows that were supposed to play but I had a feeling they were going to back out and sure enough, they have. I'm glad though, I think it will be good for her to have something that is hers without all the drama from the girls she goes to school with everyday. We'll see though, she has such a hard time stepping out.

Not doing so good on the diet front though I have been walking while the kids are at practice. So that's one positive step in the right direction.

I haven't got very far organizing my home but I plan on checking out flylady today.

One day at a time, one step at a time.

I can say that I'm feeling better. Maybe because I'm figuring out what I want out of my life and how I want to achieve it. I feel like God is showing me so many things about myself, things I need to work on and I don't feel bad about it. I feel hopeful. I just can't look at the big picture otherwise I get discouraged.

One thing I'm trying to conquer is being a little more sociable. I'm not going to be a social butterfly because I do like my own space and I like doing my own thing. But I don't need to be alone all the time. So this Saturday I'm going to a scrapbooking crop at one of my neighbors. She is a Creative Memories consultant and has a room on her house that she holds crops like once a month. I've never gone even though my sister has. So I'm stepping out and going this Saturday and I plan on being gone all day. And my sister is going too. I know my neighbor will be surprised to see me, she'd given up on getting me to come.

I've noticed how I don't step out and how can I expect my children to do so if I don't? I mean, I'm no different than my daughter, not wanting to go because I might not know anyone or I might not "like" who is there. I just feel very strongly that this is something I need to address and work through. Not just for me but for my kids. I am their example.

Poor kids, lol.

But I'm feeling more positive than I have in awhile. I just have to celebrate the small victories, focus on the good rather than on the negative. I plan on sharing my journey here and I invite anyone who is on their own journey to share about it here if you'd like. I think Val's idea of a support group is a great one and it doesn't have to be just about weight loss.

I'm a slacker and haven't really done much with this blog like add my blogroll or anything else for that matter. So here is my email if you'd like to discuss anything with me privately: notenoughofmeatgmail.com.

Thank you all so much for responding to my last post.

Lisa - I am very familiar with the UMC, I was brought up in a Methodist church and was married in one. My kids attended Sunday School at the little Methodist church in our town. The church is small and focuses mostly on the kids which is great but they don't have any adult classes. I used to attend a huge church before my mom died, I loved it there but because it was so large it was hard to get to really know other people, plus it was about 35 minutes from my home one way so it was hard for me to be too involved. That church was an Assembly of God which is more fundamental than most Methodist churches but I loved their music and the liveliness of the services. I also have a good friend that is the worship leader at a Church of God which is pretty much the same as an Assembly of God and she invites me all the time. They have a huge youth group which is something I would love to have my oldest be involved in.

Either way, I think I'm becoming more open to church and well, God. It feels good. I've been listening to my Joyce Meyer tapes and reading her devotionals. I've been listening to Joyce Meyer for years and years and I just love her way of teaching.

My in-laws took the kids for the entire weekend. I dropped them off Friday afternoon and they come home at lunch time yesterday. I spent all day Saturday at the mall just looking at what I wanted to look at. It was wonderful. I did get my oldest a necklace for her birthday next month. It was a $36 necklace and I paid $8 for it, pretty cool, huh?

We were supposed to get together with the family we went to the Outer Banks with on Saturday. But I guess you can kinda say that we got dumped. I got home from shopping and C had left a message saying that they were tired from going out the night before so they didn't want us to come over because they were going to bed early. It was all good though because hubby and I went out for a nice dinner just the two of us and I like when we get to do that. I guess that's why we don't have many friends, I'm content to do my own thing most of the time and I like when it's just the two of us.

The kids only have 2 weeks left of summer, I can't believe it's almost over. We're starting soccer practice this week for younger daughter and I'm thinking by next week, everyone should be back to practices and the fun will begin.

When the kids get back in school I'm going back to Weight Watchers. I'm starting now to follow the plan but I want to get back to the meetings.

I'm also on a quest to become more organized, I say this every year but I really want to. Our schedules are about to get very busy and being organized will help that. I'm also on a mission to declutter my home.

Basically I'm trying to restart my life here.

So I'm asking all of you for your tips on any or all of the above. How do you stay organized? How do you keep your clutter under control? How about healthy eating? Got any good crock pot recipes?

First off I want to thank both momxtwo and Val for your kind comments the other day.

I've been thinking alot about going back to church because I do miss it. And I thought maybe if I put some of my reasons that I stopped going, maybe I could get some feedback.

My beliefs have never changed in that I believe in God and Jesus, that has never been the problem.

I've always struggled with never feeling like I was good enough, that I was always sinning so why bother. It's like I can never get it right, I lose my patience, say things I shouldn't, think bad thoughts, etc.

The next thing is my husband does not and has no desire to go to church. He would never stop me from going or the kids from going. He just doesn't want any part of it. And because of that, my home isn't the kind of home that families where everyone attends and holds the same beliefs. Not that he is an atheist, he believes in God, he just doesn't feel church is important. His sister has turned him off more by being very judgmental with her holier than thou attitude, honestly it turns me off. But I do feel set apart from most people who attend church, I guess because my home won't be like theirs.

Those were my two main issues before my mom died. After her death, I just shut down. I was angry at God for taking her and I just stopped seeking Him. I stopped praying, I stopped going to church. I tried going back but I felt nothing, I didn't want to sing songs of praise because I was angry. I didn't want to pray because why bother? God will do what He wants.

I also struggle with all the man made rules that Christian make. Like not being able to play cards or dance. I don't understand that. I don't have a problem with Halloween mainly because I don't make it an evil thing, my kids just view it as an opportunity to dress up and get candy, there's no evil in that. I don't understand how you can be against Halloween but have a Christmas tree which if I'm correct (and I'm not saying that I am), the Christmas tree was a pagan tradition. It's like there are so many rules that don't make sense and because I wasn't in aggreement with those rules, that set me apart. Just like with the Harry Potter books and movies, my kids aren't into them but I wouldn't discourage it. It's just fiction, no different than Star Wars. I have a friend that wouldn't let her children have Pokemon cards because they are considered pocket monsters and that's wrong. To me that's just craziness.

I guess I want to focus more on raising my children to have good morals, to trust God in everything. I'm more concerned with keeping my kids away from MTV, R rated movies than Harry Potter. I'm more concerned with who their friends are than Halloween.

And I know I've been judged for that but I also know that I will always be judged by someone for something.

I guess I need to find a way to just ignore all that because I do miss church, I miss being surrounded by people that have the same basic beliefs as I do. But more importantly, I miss God. I miss that relationship but I'm just not sure if I can ever really go back, not how I was before anyway.

I would love to hear your input on this and I hope I haven't offended anyone because that is not my intention. I'm open to any advice, send people my way who you feel can add some insight.

I think I am in a funk. Actually, I know I am in a funk. I'm wanting to sleep all the time. My laundry is piling up, my house is a mess and I don't want to deal with any of it.

This usually happens with me when I'm overly stressed out and/or overwhelmed. And since I'm all about keeping it real, I have to admit I'm a lot of both. My jaws are aching because I'm clenching and grinding my teeth when I'm sleeping. I'm even catching myself clenching my teeth during the day.

It's probably a cumulation of things. I'm dreading the start of school but wanting it now at the same time. The kids are getting on each other's nerves, fighting over dumb things so I know it's time for them to get back into the school routine. But I dread the homework battles and all the stuff that will come when my oldest is in 8th grade.

I'm also worried about our sports schedules. Older daughter is playing field hockey in a neighboring town, about 20 minutes away while my son and younger daughter are playing soccer in our town. So depending on JR's work schedule, I know I'm going to have to ask for other people to help me out from time to time getting them to practices. I also just got younger daughter's new dance class schedule and she will now have dance class on Thursday evenings. I know that will interfere with soccer practices as well as her Brownie meetings. I wish that she had been kept in the Friday evening class, I even told her that Fridays were good for me. At least Brownies is only twice a month so I can work around that. It will mainly be soccer and I know her coach will be less than thrilled if she misses Thursdays. But she's been in dance now for 5 years and only played soccer for 2. Soccer only lasts through October so I'll just have to be juggling things for about 2 months.

But more than anything else, I'm worried about my husband and his work situation. His father is very serious about retiring and wants us to have a meeting once we get the kids back in school.

I feel guilty for feeling the way I do and I would never, ever tell my husband what I'm worried about because I know it would hurt him.

I just don't know how he's going to be able to do it. While his dad was gone last week, he was overwhelmed with what he had to do, there was so much to do. The whole time I'm thinking, how will you do it when it's all your responsibility? When you don't have anyone to fall back on?

He's not used to being in charge of that much, he's never had to multitask.

I don't know. I should have more faith in him and it's truly sad that I don't. He's always taken care of us. But things are about to change and I know that some fear is normal. He's excited about all this and here I sit, scared and uncertain.

I know he senses that something is wrong. I don't want to hurt his feelings so I say nothing. And because I'm remaining silent, I'm about to explode.

I also know that with all this change, more is going to be expected of me. And I just don't know how I'm going to be able to keep up with everything and not have my kids pay the price.

I know I'm not making much sense. My thoughts are all over the place, jumping from here to there. I just need to trust God and leave it to Him but you know, I don't do that often enough.

I've realized that I miss going to church. I wish that I had never walked away from that part of my life. My beliefs have not changed. I just couldn't go to church anymore, I was dealing with some things and I felt like a hypocrite. I guess now that I've worked through a lot, I've realized how empty my life has become. And now I don't know how I can go back.

I feel like I'm always running full tilt. Like I don't know how to just be calm, take my time. I'm always rushing, even when I don't need to be. I just want to slow down and enjoy the journey, does that make sense? But instead, I'm all worried and nervous, watching my life pass by and not even enjoying it. I mean, what's meant to be is going to happen regardless of how much I worry. I need to learn how to just let go and trust.

Yeah right. Trust. That's something I don't do. Not completely anyway.

Maybe I'm just high strung, I don't know but something has got to change. If I keep on like this, I'm going to end up with some serious health problems.

Are you a worrier? Or are you laid back, just taking life as it comes?

Our trip to Hershey Park was ok. The weather was great, it was hot but not humid. The only problem we had was that the kids could not agree on what rides to go on so they ended up not going on that many. Usually we hit almost every one. I can't ride many rides, I get sick too easily. Younger daughter is too tall now to ride a lot of her favorite things, she's tall for her age so even though she's tall enough to ride the bigger rides now, she's not quite ready to. My son got a horrible nose bleed, the worst I've ever seen. The hotel beds were so hard it was like sleeping on a board, the pillows were so flat they were near nonexistent. So, I can't say that I enjoyed our trip which is sad because I do love going there. I guess the next time we go back we'll have to take friends.

One thing I realized is how much our family has changed. I don't have little kids anymore. I always loved taking them to the park, watching them ride the little rides, watching them smile and be so excited. And even though younger daughter would love to still ride those rides, she can't. So now everyone is going on the roller coasters while I sit out and wait. Or we sit and they argue because no one can agree.

The worst thing is I don't know how to handle these changes. I mean, you don't do the same things with big kids. Big kids aren't as easily pleased, it's harder to make them happy.

I remember back when I thought that I would never get out of the diaper stage, the stroller, the diaper bag, bottles. I remember wishing for them to outgrow all that, thinking it would be easier.

But it's not easier.

Sure, all my kids use the bathroom and don't suck a bottle. I don't need to lug around a stroller. I don't have to schedule my life around nap times.

Now I have to worry about boys, sex, bad choices in friends, MTV, drugs, alcohol, stds. Granted most of those things pertain to my oldest but the other two are following close behind.

It wasn't easy when they were little because little people are hard work.

Now it's more emotionally hard. Now I'm having mentally exhausted.

But life keeps moving, our kids keep growing and I have to adjust to how things are now. Of course, once I'm adjusted things will change again.

Well, we've decided to go to Hershey Park this weekend. The hot weather is supposed to break on Friday, at least we hope so. We're staying at the Spinner's Inn, we've stayed there several times and it's right next to Hershey Park. I've always wanted to stay at the Hershey Lodge or the Hershey Hotel but it's so expensive that I can't justify it, especially since we only use the room to sleep.

One of our past customers died on Sunday, he'd been extremely ill for about 2 weeks. He started with a fever, ended up in a coma, had a massive stroke on Sunday and was taken off the respirator. They don't know what he had so they performed an autopsy in hopes of finding the answer. Life is so fragile.

Of course, my sil is obsessing about the poor man's mysterious illness. She's weird like that. I swear I won't hear from her but let someone get sick or die and she's on the phone constantly. I don't get that. But she and I are like night and day. You couldn't get two people any more different than we are. And unfortunately we're like oil and water. I can only take her in small doses. She's very dramatic and everything has to be this big production whereas I'm more low key. Honestly, a day with her makes me tired with a headache. For instance, she called me yesterday and told me she was going to get some balloons and take them to her parent's home(my in-laws) and decorate for their homecoming. They've been on vacation. For 10 days. You'd think they'd been gone a year or something. She's called here wanting to know if I'd heard from her parents yet but I know they're sleeping in, they got home well after midnight I'm sure. I'm sure she's going to start calling them soon because she can't stand it.

Maybe I'm being unfair. I know my husband can't wait to see his dad. It's been 3 weeks because we went on vacation and they left before we got back. I guess because I can go months without seeing my dad and it's no big deal and I don't have mom around anymore, I don't realize how close they really are.

I don't know. I'm glad they are home safe and sound. I get along with both of my in-laws. And really my fil doesn't bother me so much. It's mostly my mil. She can be a bit harsh at times and even though she doesn't like make a point of coming after me or anything. I do feel like I've got to have my back up around her. It's hard to explain. She has a mean streak and likes for things to be her way because it's the right way after all. It can just be exhausting.

Do you have someone in your life that exhausts you?