Nothing good to blog today. Younger daughter's soccer practice got cancelled last night and moved to tonight which will make things a little challenging because older daughter has field hockey practice in another town and sonny boy has soccer practice but at least his is at the same park as younger daughter. JR will probably be working late, he has to meet with one of our customers and the meeting will most likely run long. So basically I will be running the roads tonight.
Sonny boy hurt his ankle last week at practice. He's complained of it hurting but it doesn't hurt enough to stop him from doing anything. By the end of practice last night he was limping and I could tell he was hurting even though I had wrapped it with an ace bandage. His ankle was a little swollen and I could see a faint bruise so we iced it up and but it in a brace which he hates. This morning his ankle looked fine but I told him he has to stay off of it today, keep it elevated, take his motrin and ice it. I'm not sure if he will practice tonight.
I mentioned how I spent most of my weekend with my sister and how I don't spend much time with her anymore. I like to blame it on my schedule which is busy or that we don't live close which we don't. All of those are valid excuses but are not the actual truth. I am very uncomfortable around her, I don't feel like I can relax. Sometimes I feel like I'm under this microscope, that she's analyzing me, studying how I am.
But if I am going to be honest here, I have to say that after having gone through everything with our mom and afterwards, it was like my eyes were opened. I never realized what a selfish person she was. I never realized how she liked to make me feel small, or wrong or dumb. Like I was the one that didn't have a clue.
I won't go into great detail here about all the events that led up to me realizing how it really was. To sum it all up in a nutshell she felt she was more entitled to things and I had to make the choice of turning the other cheek because I was not going to dishonor my mother in that way. Even though I had everyone else around me telling me to fight it, I refused because I knew that wasn't the right thing to do.
And after making that decision, I had to sit back and watch her enjoy herself as I sank further and further into a pit of depression. She was out buying a new Jeep, paying off debt, planning a wedding and I was having nightmares, panic attacks and shutting myself away.
But I was the one that was wrong. I grieved wrong, I dealt with things wrong. Just because I wasn't doing things her way, because I wasn't just letting her do all those things and being ok with it. I wasn't letting her have her way. I was wrong.
Now I know that I wasn't wrong. If nothing else, I've learned a lot about myself over the last 3 years. I've learned a lot about why I do certain things. There's a lot about myself that I'm not very pleased with but slowly, I'm seeing that I'm not wrong. I'm just not her and I don't want to be her. I'm not going to change how I live or what I believe in order to have her acceptance. I don't need to do that anymore.
As I've healed, I've grown. I've made a life for myself that doesn't include her in the same way as before. Not that she's not a part of my life. It's just different. I guess you could say her placement is different. I had to make some tough decisions back when I was trying to get well. I spent time figuring how what I needed to do and I did it. Like I had to stop visiting Mom's grave so much, I had to stop thinking about her death-I would literally tell myself NO! when I found msyelf thinking about it, I had to cut some people that were family out of my life and I had to change some relationships with family.
At first, things were fine because she was so caught up in her new life and then it was like she realized that I wasn't around as much. So now she's trying to make things like they used to be rather than just accepting this is how it is. I want to spend time with her but it's not going to be every week like before. She's not going to bully me into her way of thinking, that's over.
There is still a part of me that is angry with her too. Angry at her selfishness, angry at her disregard of my children, angry at her arrogance. I need to work on those feelings and let them go, they aren't beneficial.
As sad as it is, I know that I can't have her all up in my life again. I've worked so hard to get where I am and I've done it on my own terms. I've prayed and tried to follow what I feel God has been showing me.
She's not accepting this though. It's not what she wants so she's going to pull out all the stops. First it will be she's concerned about my mental health, then she'll try and bully me.
Not gonna happen though.
Have you had to make tough decisions regarding family?
Sonny boy hurt his ankle last week at practice. He's complained of it hurting but it doesn't hurt enough to stop him from doing anything. By the end of practice last night he was limping and I could tell he was hurting even though I had wrapped it with an ace bandage. His ankle was a little swollen and I could see a faint bruise so we iced it up and but it in a brace which he hates. This morning his ankle looked fine but I told him he has to stay off of it today, keep it elevated, take his motrin and ice it. I'm not sure if he will practice tonight.
I mentioned how I spent most of my weekend with my sister and how I don't spend much time with her anymore. I like to blame it on my schedule which is busy or that we don't live close which we don't. All of those are valid excuses but are not the actual truth. I am very uncomfortable around her, I don't feel like I can relax. Sometimes I feel like I'm under this microscope, that she's analyzing me, studying how I am.
But if I am going to be honest here, I have to say that after having gone through everything with our mom and afterwards, it was like my eyes were opened. I never realized what a selfish person she was. I never realized how she liked to make me feel small, or wrong or dumb. Like I was the one that didn't have a clue.
I won't go into great detail here about all the events that led up to me realizing how it really was. To sum it all up in a nutshell she felt she was more entitled to things and I had to make the choice of turning the other cheek because I was not going to dishonor my mother in that way. Even though I had everyone else around me telling me to fight it, I refused because I knew that wasn't the right thing to do.
And after making that decision, I had to sit back and watch her enjoy herself as I sank further and further into a pit of depression. She was out buying a new Jeep, paying off debt, planning a wedding and I was having nightmares, panic attacks and shutting myself away.
But I was the one that was wrong. I grieved wrong, I dealt with things wrong. Just because I wasn't doing things her way, because I wasn't just letting her do all those things and being ok with it. I wasn't letting her have her way. I was wrong.
Now I know that I wasn't wrong. If nothing else, I've learned a lot about myself over the last 3 years. I've learned a lot about why I do certain things. There's a lot about myself that I'm not very pleased with but slowly, I'm seeing that I'm not wrong. I'm just not her and I don't want to be her. I'm not going to change how I live or what I believe in order to have her acceptance. I don't need to do that anymore.
As I've healed, I've grown. I've made a life for myself that doesn't include her in the same way as before. Not that she's not a part of my life. It's just different. I guess you could say her placement is different. I had to make some tough decisions back when I was trying to get well. I spent time figuring how what I needed to do and I did it. Like I had to stop visiting Mom's grave so much, I had to stop thinking about her death-I would literally tell myself NO! when I found msyelf thinking about it, I had to cut some people that were family out of my life and I had to change some relationships with family.
At first, things were fine because she was so caught up in her new life and then it was like she realized that I wasn't around as much. So now she's trying to make things like they used to be rather than just accepting this is how it is. I want to spend time with her but it's not going to be every week like before. She's not going to bully me into her way of thinking, that's over.
There is still a part of me that is angry with her too. Angry at her selfishness, angry at her disregard of my children, angry at her arrogance. I need to work on those feelings and let them go, they aren't beneficial.
As sad as it is, I know that I can't have her all up in my life again. I've worked so hard to get where I am and I've done it on my own terms. I've prayed and tried to follow what I feel God has been showing me.
She's not accepting this though. It's not what she wants so she's going to pull out all the stops. First it will be she's concerned about my mental health, then she'll try and bully me.
Not gonna happen though.
Have you had to make tough decisions regarding family?
posted by TC at 8:45 AM
2 Comments:
After reading your post it sounds to me like you really have worked most out. Stick to your guns. You are a strong person and to have the ability to see what clearly needs to be done with your sister, even though there will be some hurt on both sides, shows just how strong you are.
All I can say is that I am so proud of you! You have worked hard to get to where you are today, and do NOT let her have any kind of control over your thoughts or feelings. Blessings to you. . .
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