I realized last night that the month of September is nearly over which means the holidays are fast approaching. I look forward to cooler weather, the colors that come with autumn, eating way too much on Thanksgiving and my children's excitement as Christmas draws near.

But the one thing I'm not looking forward to regarding the holidays is the situation with my father.

You know that he's been absent most of my life, coming around when it's good for him or when his wife lets him. I've never known anything different, it's always been this way. I had to come to a place of acceptance with all of it because it is what it is.

I'd be a liar if I didn't admit that it does frustrate me. As I've grown older and made a life for myself that is full of people that want to spend time with me and my kids, the less I feel like making Dad spend time with us.

If my sister or I do not call and make plans with him, we don't see him. I'm not exaggerating, that is the total truth. If we don't make the effort, we would probably go years and not see him even though he lives 15 minutes from me. He makes no effort to see the kids or come to any of their sporting events or dance recitals. He never calls or comes by on any of our birthdays. Miss Moody's birthday was on the 9th, no card, nothing.

My sister has had a couple of dinners at her home, she called Dad, left a message on his machine and never heard back from him. He didn't show up at either dinner.

I saw him last week as we were entering the park to go to soccer practice. He was standing outside of the deli that is next to the entrance so I know he is alive and well. He didn't even come into the park to say hello.

I feel as though he is avoiding us. Maybe because of that lawyer calling me looking for him, maybe he thinks I'm going to confront him about it or something. Not that I would. I don't want to know anything, it's none of my business. But he is the type to just run and hide from this kind of thing rather then just facing something uncomfortable head on and getting it over with.

Either way, I'm tired of all this. I'm tired of having to be the one who always reaches out. I mean, how many more times can I put myself out there, you know? I'm tired of feeling like I make him spend time with me, it's always been that way and I'm sick of it. I don't need that anymore.

I wish him well, I don't hate him, he is who he is and that's all good. So I've decided that this holiday season I'm not calling him to get together, if he wants to see us he can pick up the phone. I'm going to enjoy my children and spend time with my family that wants us around.

What would you do?

I think I may be coming down with a cold or it's allergies-not that I have allergies but they are cutting the corn in all the fields that surround my house so there's a lot in the air right now. My throat is a little sore and I'm tired. I've been so tired the last few days, by 9pm I'm toast and I'm falling asleep on the sofa.

Maybe last week took more of a toll on me than I thought. If I run myself too hard, I'll start with cold like symptoms. I'm seldom home anymore and that wears me down. But I don't see my life slowing down any until November when fall sports are over and thankfully it doesn't look like anyone will be participating in winter sports. Sonny Boy wanted to play indoor lacrosse but it's not being offered this year and Miss Moody wanted to play indoor field hockey and it's not being offered either. Maybe this is God's way of giving me a few months off before spring sports? Either way, I'm grateful for the break.

I know I mentioned the other day that I was having a situation with Miss Moody. I've needed a few days to muddle through it and take care of it and I'm pretty confident that I have. Basically I found out Miss Moody was IM'ing with a boy that is around the age of 17. She's been getting on AIM at home to chat with her friends and I was ok with that. But then I was going over the text messages on her phone and noticed there was someone on there I did not know so I confronted her about it. I was horrified to find out that she had told this boy her entire name even though she did not know his and he also lives in the same county as we do so it will be easy enough for him to find out where we live. I have drilled into her head the dangers of the internet and the sickos that are out there and she didn't listen. She was very angry that I checked her messages even though I've told her from the get go that I would be from time to time. If I don't check up, I have no idea who she's talking to because kids these days don't ever call your home phone anymore. And let's face it, if I hadn't checked I would never have known about this boy.

Now, it's not like she was "going out" with him or anything but he did text some things I wasn't comfortable with and he's too old for her to be talking to anyway. Period. End of discussion. She was so angry though, she says she has no privacy. I agreed with her and told her that if she wouldn't do stuff like this I wouldn't have to be over her shoulder keeping her straight.

Sometimes I feel like I have to save her from herself.

I try not to be too strict because that can backfire on you. I refuse to be too lenient because that can backfire as well. I try to find that middle ground, compromise on some things but certain things are non-negotiable. I think she may compare her life to her friend who has a mother that just lets her be. I can't/won't be that kind of mother and I told her that. I also told her that she could be angry but she'd either get over it or be angry until she's old enough to leave home. I mean, I'm not going to cater to her just so she's not angry with me. I'm not here to be her friend right now, she's going to get angry, she's not going to like some of my decisions. I'm so tired of these moms that are too busy being their children's friends and not being their parent.

I've got everything under control but you know, this really exhausts me. Maybe that's why some parents just stay out of it, it's easier that way I guess.

My mother-in-law came home on Friday and she's doing great. I just came from visiting her this morning. She's stronger and her color is good. Tomorrow she has an appointment with her primary physician who is monitoring her coumadin levels and such. Her doctor is going to also help her find another cardiologist, just so she can at least get a second opinion on things.

I appreciate your prayers through this.

This weekend went by so fast. It was one of those weekends where I don't feel like I got anything accomplished and I didn't even get to relax-now it's Monday and it's full tilt for the week.

I'm off to pay bills which includes property taxes. Ugh.

My mother-in-law is still in the hospital but doing much better. Technically, she's well enough to come home but they have just started her on coumadin and I think they want her to stay so they can keep a close watch on her levels. She's also still in a-fib and we're hoping once she's home, maybe she will convert back on her own. It's doubtful though which means she will have to have another cardioversion but that won't be for another 2-3 weeks at least, she needs to get stronger.

The other problem we have is the cardiologist says that this blood clot was a result from a piece of plaque breaking away which would indicate that she had pre-existing artery disease which she has never been diagnosed with. She's had vascular scans of the ateries in her neck and they were fine but she didn't have anything done with her legs or anything. The surgeon believes this clot is a direct result of her a-fib and having the cardioversion, he has told her that her arteries look great. He had her have a full body scan so he would know. So basically we have two doctors contradicting each other.

My mother-in-law is considering getting a second opinion from another cardiologist which I am going to really urge her to do. We are very lucky to live near some of the country's top hospitals so it won't be a problem to get her to one.

My father-in-law is very anxious to get her home. He looks tired and he's very stressed. The main thing everyone needs to keep in mind is that when she comes home she has to stay down for awhile. That means no cooking meals, cleaning her house, standing up for too long or picking up children. I'm going to load her up with books so she can pass the time on the sofa.

I'm holding up though, honestly, this hasn't been hard on me at all. I am thankful that I went through this kind of thing with my mom because it's made it easier for me to handle. I've just tried to take care of things so that everyone can visit with her and so she won't be worried. My sister-in-law hasn't done so well, she couldn't come visit on Tuesday because she felt ill and it's just from the stress. And it is hard. JR has been this bundle of nerves, all jammed up and tight. It'll get better once she's home.

I'm in a situation with Miss Moody, one of those situations where I'm having to make decisions she doesn't like in order to keep her safe. It's not that bad but I really don't feel like going into it right now. I just need to deal with it before I can share.

Please keep us in your prayers.

Works For Me: Travel Snack Bag

This is the first time I'm participating in this but I absolutely love reading all the neat things people come up with.

I have been on a quest to save money and not spend impulsively. One thing I have implemented is the travel snack bag. I have a tote bag that I keep packed with snacks, bottle water and capri-suns. I keep it in my van and make sure it's filled daily. We are on the run 5 days out of the week and this has saved me at least $20-$30 weekly.

For more great ideas, visit Shannon's Blog.

My mother-in-law is still in CCU but we're hoping she will be moved out of there this morning. She had the catheter removed from her leg late yesterday afternoon and now we're just waiting to see if she's not bleeding too much from that area since she'd been on Heparin for several days. Unfortunately she's back into a-fib again which means she may have to have another cardioversion before she leaves the hospital. And on top of everything else, she has shingles, apparently from all the stress her body has been under. She's really going through it and I'd appreciate her being kept in your prayers.

My husband is dealing with this pretty well. He's complaining of his muscles feeling so tight and it's just because of all the tension he's been feeling. My father-in-law is handling this good though I can see it draining on him. He told me yesterday that he didn't know how I did it with my mother through all that time because just four days of all this was so hard. And it is hard, very hard but you do it because you have to.

I'm trying to be as supportive as possible, trying to run the office and take whatever burdens I can off of them so they can be there for her. That's very important to me, I want to make this as easy for them as I can.

I guess this is one of those situations where I can use all that I went through with my mom and help others. I mean, I have felt for a long time that there had to be something good to come out of losing my mother, that I couldn't go through all that and not learn from it and then help someone else. I don't know, if I can't help someone else, then everything with my mom was kind of meaningless. Does that make sense?

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

My mother-in-law is in the hospital. She had a blood clot go to her leg on Friday, she's in CCU, things are better but it's been a little touch and go over the weekend.

She's going to have some permanent damage to her foot but it won't be too bad, just numbness and tingling.

Thank God the clot didn't go up, this would have been a much different situation.

Please keep her in your prayers.

Well, the rain I was so hoping for did not come until late last night so it's gloomy and nasty this morning. Sonny Boy had his game, they won 3-1. Tonight Girly Girl has a game but it will be cancelled, it's supposed to rain all day. If it does get cancelled she will be going back to dance class and she'll be so happy to not have to miss it. Miss Moody found out last night that she will be having another practice Friday night to get ready for their first game Saturday. Needless to say Miss Moody is less than enthused about having practice on Friday because there is a youth dance and practice is going to make her late. But she's going to practice anyway. I am big on the kids attending practice unless they are sick, injured or have other commitments like dance class, Brownie meeting. I have them go to practice for as long as they can and then we'll leave for those commitments or we'll do one week practice, next week dance. A youth dance however, does not get you out of practice.

I had the discussion with Miss Moody regarding her grades. She never has homework or if she does it's not that much. I know she has a study period everyday so she gets work done then but I am a little suspicious. Now she's my one child that has gotten straight A's, she used to be totally into her grades. Until last year. Now she's never received anything less than a B on her report card but I noticed there were more B's showing up then ever before. After talking with her I realized that she was not willing to put the extra work/time into keeping her grades high because that would take time away from her "social life". So we talked or rather I talked about the importance of grades and that her grades were how she was earning her cell phone right now since she's not babysitting anymore. I made sure she understood that if her grades weren't up to par come progress reports, she'd lose the cell phone until they were brought up. She never said a word, she just had that blank look that teenagers get when they really don't want to hear what you have to say. So we'll see.

It's been difficult adjusting to how different she is now, how different our relationship is. We're still close but I'm noticing that she's keeping more to herself, not coming to me as much and I'm trying to respect that. I just pray that she will come to me with the big stuff and she always has but I wonder if she will continue. She's all about her friends now and I want her to be social and have fun while she's young. I guess it's just hard to come to terms with not being as important to her as I once was. I know everything we're going through is completely normal but it doesn't make it any easier. And she's a good kid and I'm thankful for that. Feeling her pull away hurts but I have to loosen my grip, if she's feeling ready to step out, step away I'm going to let her, within reason of course.

Now that I'm experiencing all this with Miss Moody it's making me treasure the moments I have with Sonny Boy. He still likes to hug and kiss me except in front of his friends. He still thinks I'm just the greatest. So I'm enjoying it because I know soon, I'll be chopped liver. I still have some time left with Girly Girl though, she'll hug and kiss me in front of anyone. She still holds my hand and she swears I'm the best mom ever. But before I know it she'll think I'm dumber than dumb. I know I was like that too and then things turned around as I got older, it's just getting through it.

My mother in law made out great through her procedures. Thank you to those who kept her in your prayers. Now we're just praying this will stick and she won't have to have it done again. I'm glad that my sil kept herself together because I was worried she'd be crying the whole time but she didn't.

We bought a new truck today. It's an '06, brand new but we got $14,000 taken off because they are trying to get rid of it so they have room for the '07's which is exactly the same thing that happened when we bought our old truck ten years ago. JR is tickled and it is a great truck. We're just going to buckle down and get my van paid off-quick. I can't wait to see our son's face when his daddy comes home in a new truck tonight, lol.

I'm praying for rain-Sonny Boy has a game at 5pm and Miss Moody has practice at 5pm, in two different towns and I so want to be home tonight. We've only just begun sports and I'm already tired of never being home.

Big Brother is over now until next summer. We started watching that show around Season 3 I think and we've been hooked ever since. I'm glad to see Janelle won the Jury Favorite, as much as I disliked her, she was an excellent player. I was glad to see Mike Boogie win even though I didn't like him much either but he did deserve to win over Erika. The new Survivor begins tomorrow night and this should be an interesting one.

Frugal tip of the day: After you're done shaving, completely dry off your razor, it will last longer. (Some of you may have already known that, I however did not ever dry my razors and I shave everyday and I was going through tons of razors. But I read this tip so I tried it and it really works!)

I can honestly say I am so glad that it is Monday. This weekend was not a good one, full of tension. My entire back and neck are tight and painful, my jaws hurt from clenching my teeth and I'm tired from not sleeping well. I needed today.

I'm not even up to talking about this weekend. It just sucked all the way around.

Tomorrow the kids don't have school so I've taken off work. I need to take Girly Girl and get her glasses fixed. Maybe we'll go shopping, see if we can hit some sales on fall/winter clothes. The weather is starting to change so it won't be long and we'll be in jeans again.

On the budget front, I actually used coupons at the grocery store and I've stocked up so I'm hoping this weekend I won't need to hit the store for anything but milk and bread. We only went out to eat once and we had a gift card that covered most of it, we ended up on spending $11 and we had leftovers.

Saturday we had opening day of soccer and it was HOT. Didn't do so well on the budget front there, I ended up buying Sonny Boy and Girly Girl sweatshirts but at least Girly Girl will be able to wear her brother's when he outgrows it. This Saturday will be opening day for field hockey so I'll be buying more pictures. Pictures are so expensive, even though I buy the small package.

And of course today is the 5 year anniversary of 9/11. I'm sure you can remember right where you were when everything started being reported. I was here at work and JR's aunt called and was freaking out about a plane crashing into one of the trade center towers. I can remember thinking that it was some mistake, a pilot error and then the second plane hit. Then the one hit the pentagon, then the one went down in PA and all I wanted to do was go get my kids from school. I can remember just sitting in front of the TV watching Fox News and not moving, trying to understand what I was seeing. I didn't know about terrorists, I didn't know there were people out there that wanted to kill us, all of us. I would never have imagined that people would take over a plane and then use them as weapons and kill thousands of people that were just going to work. Our world changed that day.

And I know that I rarely get political here because I'm not one to argue politics. I voted for President Bush both times and even though I don't completely agree with everything he has done, I am very glad that he was our president on that day and that he has been our president since that day. We have not been attacked on our soil since 9/11 and I don't think that has been by accident.

My heart goes out to everyone that lost someone that day.

On a different note, I'm asking that you keep my mil in prayer. She is having a TEE and if that shows no clots around the heart, she will then have a cardioversion. This will all be done on Wednesday, I know she is scared, I would be too. She has atrial fibrillation and over the past few months she's just not been well and two weeks ago it escalated to the point she went back to the doctor. Even though she takes medication for it, it's very common for those with AF to have to have cardioversions, sometimes several of them. I'd appreciate it if you would keep her in your thoughts and prayers.

Wow, yesterday's post was a real downer. But you know, some days I have down days and sometimes I'll post about them here, sometimes I won't.

I have been searching the internet for different frugal living tips, I've even joined some groups so I can learn from those who already live that way. I am determined to get on a budget, pinch pennies and pay off some debt before JR gets that new truck.

It's not going to be easy because it's been a long time since I've had to really watch what I spend. Not that I have a ton of money but it's not like it was when we were first married and we had no money. The kids aren't going to like it at first either but they'll adjust.

The first area I need to work on is my grocery budget. I need to start making more from scratch, cut down on the convenience foods and I guess I need to start couponing again. I'll need to pay attention to the grocery store fliers that come to me every week and in the paper and buy things I use that are on sale. The rest of my stuff will be bought at Walmart because even though I hate the place, I can get things cheaper there.

So basically, I'm on a mission. Decluttering and cleaning my home, keeping a budget and saving as much as I can and taking better care of myself.

When I married my husband I had issues with trust. I trusted no one. I married him fully believing he would eventually stop loving me and leave me. I thought all men were unfaithful sooner or later.

But my biggest issue was I've never felt worthy. Worthy of being happy, worthy of being loved, worthy of good things. Maybe that is why I thought no man would ever stay or be faithful. Why would he? I wasn't worth anything.

I still feel unworthy.

I've been married for almost 14 years. I'm married to a man that has parents that have been married for almost 41 years. He has always believed in marriage. He has watched his father work to provide and take care of his family so to him that is what he's supposed to do. I however have parents that divorced when I was almost 16 after many years of marriage due to my father's infidelity. I watched my father never come home, never pay the bills, never provide for us all the while taking care of his "younger woman". I had no faith in marriage or that any man would ever take care of me.

But my husband has always been faithful and has always taken care of me and the kids. He loves me. So why can't I just let myself be in all that? Why do I still think it could be possible when he hasn't given me any reason to think it isn't?

It's so tiring to always have your guard up. Some days I am so emotionally exhausted that I feel like I'm just about to lose it. For a few years I had really thought I'd moved past all these fears. Then my mother died and it's been a struggle since then.

When my mother died, I realized that my husband was all I had. He was the only person in my life that I could count on. What's the problem with that you may ask.

Rather than being comforted by that fact, it terrified me. In my warped mind, this meant if he decided that he didn't love me or if I made him angry and he wanted me to leave, I had nowhere else to go. If I lost him, I lost everything. I don't have anyone else to fall back on which means I have to always keep a Plan B, you know, what will I do if....which really translates into what will I do when.

I don't know how to stop this. It consumes me everyday. And I know that this is something that I have to work through. JR can't fix this, it's beyond him. It's beyond me.

We didn't have a good conversation regarding him getting a new truck. I could feel myself starting to freak as I sensed him getting angry. And then I got angry because I'm so darn tired of being like this. And just so you know, my husband rarely gets angry, we have never, ever gotten into a screaming, cussing match, it's not his style. He's very patient and loving but he does get frustrated, he's human. I just don't want him to get frustrated with me. But why do I feel his feelings for me could just change like that? Mine couldn't with him.

So last night I told him how I live in fear of him not wanting me anymore, that he'll change his mind. And he's looking at me like I'm nuts and maybe I am. He's like I love you, I'm not going to just change my mind, you're not going to make me mad enough that I'm going to want you to go so stop it.

If it were only that easy.

I would love to be comfortable and secure in his love for me. But I won't be until I put this to rest.

It's a rainy Monday morning here in Maryland and Mondays are hard enough without the added gloom. But I'm here at work and the kids are off to school.

On the diet front, the Sonoma Diet is full of delicious foods but man, talk about hurting your grocery budget. JR is now on the look out for a new truck which means we're going to have to tighten our money belts so I'm not sure of following the Sonoma Diet to a T is something I can manage.

I'm not real happy about the prospect of getting a new truck, they are so darn expensive and if he gets one, we'll have to carry new payments since we're still paying on my van and we've never, ever had to car payments at the same time. We've had his truck now for 10 years and it's still in good shape but all 5 of us can't travel in it comfortably anymore, the kids are getting too big. I don't know, I'm going to approach him about waiting to see if GM has employee pricing again at the end of the year and just buckling down to save as much as we can to get ready.

I just feel like with all the potential changes with work it's not a good time to go adding on that kind of debt. But I do need to become more frugal, I've slacked off in recent years because we were making more money which was a mistake. Rather than continuing to live on the the same budget we were used to, we just changed our living to meet what we were making.

I don't know, I hate talking money with my husband. I can totally see why money is the main cause of divorce.

On a different note, I cleaned out and organized my laundry room. I can actually walk around in there! Now my next mission is the upstairs closet.

Are you frugal? Do you and your spouse agree on money matters?