When I married my husband I had issues with trust. I trusted no one. I married him fully believing he would eventually stop loving me and leave me. I thought all men were unfaithful sooner or later.

But my biggest issue was I've never felt worthy. Worthy of being happy, worthy of being loved, worthy of good things. Maybe that is why I thought no man would ever stay or be faithful. Why would he? I wasn't worth anything.

I still feel unworthy.

I've been married for almost 14 years. I'm married to a man that has parents that have been married for almost 41 years. He has always believed in marriage. He has watched his father work to provide and take care of his family so to him that is what he's supposed to do. I however have parents that divorced when I was almost 16 after many years of marriage due to my father's infidelity. I watched my father never come home, never pay the bills, never provide for us all the while taking care of his "younger woman". I had no faith in marriage or that any man would ever take care of me.

But my husband has always been faithful and has always taken care of me and the kids. He loves me. So why can't I just let myself be in all that? Why do I still think it could be possible when he hasn't given me any reason to think it isn't?

It's so tiring to always have your guard up. Some days I am so emotionally exhausted that I feel like I'm just about to lose it. For a few years I had really thought I'd moved past all these fears. Then my mother died and it's been a struggle since then.

When my mother died, I realized that my husband was all I had. He was the only person in my life that I could count on. What's the problem with that you may ask.

Rather than being comforted by that fact, it terrified me. In my warped mind, this meant if he decided that he didn't love me or if I made him angry and he wanted me to leave, I had nowhere else to go. If I lost him, I lost everything. I don't have anyone else to fall back on which means I have to always keep a Plan B, you know, what will I do if....which really translates into what will I do when.

I don't know how to stop this. It consumes me everyday. And I know that this is something that I have to work through. JR can't fix this, it's beyond him. It's beyond me.

We didn't have a good conversation regarding him getting a new truck. I could feel myself starting to freak as I sensed him getting angry. And then I got angry because I'm so darn tired of being like this. And just so you know, my husband rarely gets angry, we have never, ever gotten into a screaming, cussing match, it's not his style. He's very patient and loving but he does get frustrated, he's human. I just don't want him to get frustrated with me. But why do I feel his feelings for me could just change like that? Mine couldn't with him.

So last night I told him how I live in fear of him not wanting me anymore, that he'll change his mind. And he's looking at me like I'm nuts and maybe I am. He's like I love you, I'm not going to just change my mind, you're not going to make me mad enough that I'm going to want you to go so stop it.

If it were only that easy.

I would love to be comfortable and secure in his love for me. But I won't be until I put this to rest.