Well, I guess this feeling of discontentment or unease was justified.

Things are about to change a lot in my life.

No, I'm NOT pregnant.

Looks like my fil is getting serious about retiring. Which means hubby will be taking over the business. I knew this was coming at some point but just not right now.

I wish I were happier about it.

Instead I'm scared and worried. The potential to make a lot of money is there but the potential to make nothing is there as well. And it's not like I have a career that we could rely on as things change.

I don't like uncertainty. I like knowing that I have a paycheck coming every Thursday, that we have health insurance.

I also know that this will only take my husband away from us, he'll be even more busy and now is when I need his help the most. Getting the kids to and from things is becoming a challenge for me alone. I guess I'll have to rely on other people to do help me out but I hate to do that.

We have a well established business here, we have work year round which a lot of builders don't have. But what if that changes when my fil retires? Granted my husband is just as picky about the quality of our work as his father, that won't be the problem. My husband has never had to run anything before, he's used to someone else always taking care of things. I take care of the house, the bills, our schedules. He rarely makes any decisions and not because I don't ask him to because I do, well at least I used to but after hearing I don't know a million times I just do it all on my own.

You can't tell your customers I don't know. Maybe he'll be different with this. Maybe when the crutch is gone, he'll step up and do it no problem.

I also think about how I'll have to work more. It's not that I don't want to work, I just don't want to be away from home too much. I pretty much told him that we would have to get me set up at home with all the programs I use here at work so I can do things at home.

I feel my life changing around me and I'm helpless to stop it. We all are helpless in some ways, life moves on regardless. But some things you can control. This I can't, it's happening whether I'm ready, whether I like it or not.

I don't like feeling helpless. Maybe you think I'm being silly. Maybe you don't see this as something to feel helpless about. Maybe for anyone else, it wouldn't be.

But for me, when my husband comes to me and tells me what's happening and when I have a million questions and all he says is-I Don't Know-what am I supposed to feel? He keeps telling me everything will be fine, my fil isn't just going to up and leave next week. He's going to cut back a little and let him take over. And it's not that I have ever had to worry about my husband not providing for us because he always has.

This is different though. I hate not having complete faith in him. He could very well just take off with this and blossom. But the thing is, I don't know if he will.

I know that I disappointed him with my reaction. I could tell he was excited and I just shot him down. And usually after something like this happens, I always try and work it out with him after I've calmed down. I'm ashamed to admit that I didn't this time and this is one time that I really should have because I really did react strongly, I was in tears which I never do, not in front of him anyway. He even said that he hadn't seen me like that in a long, long time.

I would never hold him back though. He's wanted this for a long time. I just hope and pray it all goes the way he wants it to.

I just pray that I can get a grip and get on with it.

I've been feeling very discontent lately. First, I chalked it up to hormones. But now that part is over (until next month anyway) and I'm still feeling this way.

I don't know about you but when I'm feeling discontent I then feel resentment. It's like those two emotions go hand in hand for me. When I feel myself full of these kinds of emotions I try and focus on all that is good in my life.

I know that I am blessed.

I do know that.

But I feel what I feel. Not that I think I should let my feelings control me because I know that feelings can change directions just like the wind. I know that. Sometimes though I just want to feel those feelings and just move on rather than feeling guilty about it or feeling like I shouldn't.

I guess I feel that way because I know there are many people out there that would love to be in my place. So I feel bad if I complain. I also don't want to come off like I'm not happy or that I don't appreciate all I have because that's not true.

Maybe if I didn't have so many "issues", things that I have to work through almost everyday because of past situations. The past is the past, right? Not really. I carry my trust issues around with me everyday in every situation. Those issues come from my childhood and I try so hard to not let them control me but do a degree they do.

Really trust issues are based from fear. Fear of being hurt, fear of being rejected, fear of not being loved. So out of that fear comes not trusting anyone. I can say that I don't trust anyone completely. That's sad to admit but it's the truth.

You may be thinking, what about your husband? Don't you trust him?

Yeah but no. Not completely. He has done absolutely nothing to deserve that either. It's all me. I know that he hates it, he doesn't understand it. He's so trusting, so open.

And I'm not. At all. To be open is terrifying to me.

I don't want you to think that I search his wallet for phone numbers or sniff his underwear. I don't live everyday thinking he's out cheating.

It's more a matter of trusting him with my heart. How can I when there are no guarantees that he won't break that trust? I know that he loves me.

Just maybe not enough. He's human after all.

Maybe that is the source of my discontent, the fact that I live my life holding a part of myself back from everyone, even those that love me the most.

Have you ever come to know someone and realize they are totally not the kind of person you thought they were?

I pride myself on being pretty good at sizing people up but every now and then someone slips under the radar. Usually it just makes me angry at myself, how did I not see it?

I've had this happen to me recently and rather than feeling angry, I feel more of a pit in my stomach or a general all around bad feeling.

It's one thing to realize someone is just a jerk.

Quite another to realize someone is mean. You know, the sneaky kind of mean. The kind of mean that you don't see coming.

I've got pretty thick skin and I'm not someone you would call meek. As an adult I have mellowed. I was a pretty rowdy child and teenager. But I try to keep my behavior in check, especially around the kids. I don't want them to ever see that side of me because I don't like it and I'm not proud of it.

So, when I tell you this guy is mean, it's not an in your face kind of mean. It's more subtle but the more I'm around him, the more I see it.

I feel God has gifted me with the ability to "know" things. I've mentioned it before. I'm not psychic. But when it comes to people close to me, especially my children, I'll know things. I had the same experience with my mother. Usually my "knowing" moments go unnoticed by others and I don't say anything because I don't want people to think I'm weird. The one experience with my mother was witnessed by my sister and her husband and both of them were blown away by it.

So anyway....

I am now beginning to "know" things about this person. He totally snuck by my radar, my bullsh!t radar that is. I can tell he is so totally full of it which I can just ignore. I can tell he's not to be trusted which bothers me but I just know to not say anything I don't want repeated. I can tell he's sneaky mean which makes my hackles rise up. Now I know that he would never be mean to me, he may get a bit condescending but I can deal with that. But I've seen how he is with his significant other and I don't like it.

It just makes me uncomfortable. But for right now I have to make the best of things because we're kinda in the position to be around each other for awhile due to some commitments that have been made, commitments we can't back out of.

I just wish my radar had been a little sharper, darn it.

I doubt I'll be around much this week. Youngest daughter is in Girl Scout day camp all week which is out in timbuktu. That girl never fails to amaze me, she is so outgoing. Her brother and sister would never go to a camp all ready to go if they didn't know anyone. She was nervous but she didn't let it stop her. I hope she can keep that about her. The group was a small one so I know she'll have a great time, there are several counselors so the girls will get lots of attention. It turns out she actually knew a girl there, a girl that was in her dance class.

Older daughter was supposed to have field hockey camp but it has been cancelled because it's raining like crazy here. It's been rescheduled for the week we're going to be away which I just knew was going to happen. I hate that the camp has been cancelled but it's going to make my life a lot easier this week.

It's been raining and raining. In nearby Federalsburg they had major flooding yesterday, they got a foot of rain in about 6 hours time or so. Thankfully it's not that bad here though. Our pool is getting awful full though.

I've had one of those experiences with Verizon this morning that makes me want to either inhale 5 pounds of sugar or beat someone senseless. I renewed our 2 yr contract, ordered new phones, blah, blah, blah last week. I spent over a half hour on the phone with this guy, getting it all straight and he still messed it up. He had two of our phones as 2 yr contracts, 3 phones as 1 yr which then affects the prices of the phones. I don't know why he would do that, we talked at length about the promotion for the V325 phones with a 2 yr contract, the promotion that meant we'd get 4 phones for free and the 5th phone for $29.99 after rebate. Imagine my surprise when I looked at our costumer receipts and saw that some of the phones were 1 yr contracts and we were going to be charged $130 for each one. I was doing ok until I got transferred 4 times before anyone could give me an answer. By that point I was ready to cancel our service and go to Cingular or something. So now things are supposed to be fixed but we'll see.

Grrr.....

I think the sun is actually peeking through the clouds, I hope it clears off so youngest daughter has fun at camp.

I'd better get some work done, you know, actually earn my paycheck!

Older daughter has cellulitis from a bug bite. We don't know if it's from bacteria on the bug that got under skin or from swimming in the river water where bacteria got in the bug bite. She's on high powered antibiotics and if we see no improvement by the weekend she may have to be put in the hospital for IV antibiotics.

About a week ago a young girl in Baltimore bumped her leg and died 72 hours later, she contracted a severe virus from that bump. From a bump! I was keeping an eye on the bug bite but when she called me yesterday morning complaining of it really hurting her and that it was spreading, off we went to the pediatrician. She's fine otherwise.

This morning sonny boy has a physical in order to go to lacrosse camp. Then we've got soccer camp. It's going to be in the 90's today and humid which I hate. I'm grumpy, premenstrual and just want to run away.

I hate feeling like this!!! JR is totally on my nerves, the house is wreck, I'm tired of having to be in control of everything, I'm tired of having to do everything. The house will stay a wreck until I clean it. The kids won't have clean clothes unless I wash them. We won't have dinner if I don't fix it or decide what we are having.

Do you ever feel this way? On complete overload?

I guess I brought this on myself by always doing things myself instead of asking for help. I hate asking for help. Maybe because I'm afraid of being rejected, maybe because I feel like I'll be putting someone out. Maybe because I've always had to take care of myself. Maybe because I'm a control freak.

Whatever the reason, this always happens to me and I have no one to blame but myself.

I think I may have over schedule our summer a wee bit. This week is soccer camp for 2 of my 3 which means I'm working in the morning, leaving at lunch time and then carting them off to camp for 3 hours. The camp is just far enough away that it makes no sense to go all the way back home so I stayed yesterday. The good news is the camp isn't that far away from the local outlet stores so guess where I'm headed today?

Next week 2 of my 3 have camp again. Older daughter has field hockey camp in the morning, she's not real keen on the idea now because she just knows that she will be the only one at camp that does not know how to play the game. She's also worrying about not knowing anyone but I know this will be a good experience for her if she could just get past her fears. Younger daughter has Girl Scout camp where she won't know a soul but is cool with that, she says she'll just make friends when she gets there.

Then we'll have two weeks off and then we're headed to the Outer Banks, yay! I am so looking forward to that, I can't even tell you. I plan on doing a whole lot of beaching it and little else.

Then we'll have a week where all 3 will be at camp, then about 3 weeks off and younger daughter will have dance camp. I'm wondering how this will go, my kids are used to not doing a whole lot during the summer but they end up fighting and life is miserable so I decided to keep them busier.

But maybe I went a little overboard?

Father's Day was great, we spent the day on the river. What is it about a day in the sun and water that makes you so tired? I was still tired yesterday. I actually had my dad over on Saturday for dinner and it was one of the nicer visits I've had with him, very relaxed. And this week's soccer camp is at a local park that my dad works at and he actually came and found me. I never would've thought he'd have done that. I guess wonders never cease.

I'm off for my dose of caffeine this morning, so pardon any spelling errors you may find here, I'm running on a low tank, lol.

It's been 3 years today that Mom died. Sometimes it feels like it's been forever, other times it feels like it was just yesterday. It's been a long road to get here, to get to the place where I'm ok with it. I didn't think I'd ever get here, I remember thinking I would never feel better, that I was going to always feel sad and lonely.

I don't understand why certain things happen in life. I don't understand why I had to lose the one parent I had a close relationship with. But if I've learned one thing, it's that sometimes there are no answers, it's just what it is.

I do know that I've had to learn to stand on my own two feet. Mom was always my crutch, I knew that I could always run back to her if things got too hard. Now I meet things head on and I deal with it. I've learned to accept things that are hard and to move on, swallow that bitter pill.

But there are times where I'll be going along and it'll just hit me that she's truly gone and this huge wave of sadness will come over me. I still struggle with family functions where everyone around me is surrounded by their family, their moms and dads and there I sit, just me. I'll go to the mall and see moms and their grown daughters shopping and I remember when that was mom and me. I'll go to the all the soccer game, lacrosse games and there are always grandparents there. My mom never missed a game, it didn't matter if she wasn't feeling well, she wasn't going to miss anything. But now it's just JR(hubby) and me. So those are the times when her absence is greater for me.

My relationship with JR has grown through all this. He was my rock when everything else in my life changed. He never made me feel bad when I was so depressed I never left the recliner. I know he was hurting too though because he was very close to her, she loved him as if he were her own son and for as long as I live I will never forget him kissing her and telling her that he would take care of me, that everything would be alright. I don't think he knows the sense of peace he gave her because isn't that what every mother wants, to know that their child will be ok? She died the very next day after he told her that and I truly believe he was crucial in her being able to let go.

It kills me to think that one day my kids will feel as I do today, I know they will miss me and I know how hard it will be for them. But death is a part of life. All I can do is love them while I'm here so when I'm gone they will have that to hold on to. My children believe in God, they believe in heaven just as I do and I hope that knowledge will give them great peace as it has me. I miss Mom everyday but I know there will be a day when we are together again and then it will be forever.

But this day will always be a sad one, I had a hard time falling asleep last night because I was thinking about it. When I woke up this morning I found myself just wanting to stay in bed, not wanting to face the day. Here I sit at work though. Later I will go home and watch the kids swim in the pool. I will cook dinner, maybe eat it on the porch. Then I will go with my daughter to her last Brownies meeting until September. I will enjoy watching her receive her patches and I will enjoy spending time with the other moms. Hiding under the covers wouldn't be what Mom wanted. I've done enough of that anyway.

I enjoyed my day off yesterday. I got our little pull ready to swim in which my kids did, 3 times and the water was freezing but the kids didn't care even when their lips were turning blue. I remember being that way though, I lived to swim. I learned to swim as a 4 year old in the bay, even when it was choppy, we still had lessons. We had to walk out to the end of the pier, jump in and doggy paddle to shore. My mom couldn't swim very well and I never saw her go in water above her waist, ever. I guess that's why she made sure my sister and I could swim.

I may be helping start a boosters club for our lacrosse league, we really need to do something to get some money for the teams. I've never been involved in a boosters team though so I've been researching it all morning since I couldn't get into blogger. So if any of you have knowledge of how to run a boosters club, I'm all ears.

Like I need something else to do, right?

I'm finally setting up shop here at my new digs. Some of you may be finding me for the first time, some of you already know me and know that I've decided to go under cover so to speak.

You might find my blogging a little different at times, mainly because I feel that I can go deeper into things without worry of being "found out". Not that what I have to say is all that important but sometimes, I just want to put things out there but I can't. I live in a very small community and I have an unusual name so if someone came across me, they'd know immediately who I am.

I won't be a daily blogger especially this time of year. The kids are out of school so I'll either be working or spending time with them. I plan on hitting the beach as often as possible and the kids are doing several camps which means I will be running them all over.

I'm not big on blogging clicks either. You'll find that I love to visit many different types of blogs, some have a huge following, others are like me and only have a few. I love blogging and I love visiting blogs and seeing how different people think.

I won't always be upbeat. If you know me from my other blog, you know that I struggle with depression and some days I get down. I'm not one of those people who feels the need to make my life seem perfect and always great. That takes way too much energy. I'm all about keeping it real, that's how I live my life on a daily basis.

I'm a mom so my blog will be full of my trials and tribulations as a mother. So if you don't like mommy blogs, this isn't the place for you. Being a mother is the biggest part of my life therefore I'll be blogging about my kids from time to time.

At times, my blog will be boring because a lot of the time my life is boring. I'm not always witty either. But I am a nice person and I love meeting new people so I hope this new blog opens up some new friendships and I hope to keep my old ones too.