I've been feeling very discontent lately. First, I chalked it up to hormones. But now that part is over (until next month anyway) and I'm still feeling this way.

I don't know about you but when I'm feeling discontent I then feel resentment. It's like those two emotions go hand in hand for me. When I feel myself full of these kinds of emotions I try and focus on all that is good in my life.

I know that I am blessed.

I do know that.

But I feel what I feel. Not that I think I should let my feelings control me because I know that feelings can change directions just like the wind. I know that. Sometimes though I just want to feel those feelings and just move on rather than feeling guilty about it or feeling like I shouldn't.

I guess I feel that way because I know there are many people out there that would love to be in my place. So I feel bad if I complain. I also don't want to come off like I'm not happy or that I don't appreciate all I have because that's not true.

Maybe if I didn't have so many "issues", things that I have to work through almost everyday because of past situations. The past is the past, right? Not really. I carry my trust issues around with me everyday in every situation. Those issues come from my childhood and I try so hard to not let them control me but do a degree they do.

Really trust issues are based from fear. Fear of being hurt, fear of being rejected, fear of not being loved. So out of that fear comes not trusting anyone. I can say that I don't trust anyone completely. That's sad to admit but it's the truth.

You may be thinking, what about your husband? Don't you trust him?

Yeah but no. Not completely. He has done absolutely nothing to deserve that either. It's all me. I know that he hates it, he doesn't understand it. He's so trusting, so open.

And I'm not. At all. To be open is terrifying to me.

I don't want you to think that I search his wallet for phone numbers or sniff his underwear. I don't live everyday thinking he's out cheating.

It's more a matter of trusting him with my heart. How can I when there are no guarantees that he won't break that trust? I know that he loves me.

Just maybe not enough. He's human after all.

Maybe that is the source of my discontent, the fact that I live my life holding a part of myself back from everyone, even those that love me the most.