It's been 3 years today that Mom died. Sometimes it feels like it's been forever, other times it feels like it was just yesterday. It's been a long road to get here, to get to the place where I'm ok with it. I didn't think I'd ever get here, I remember thinking I would never feel better, that I was going to always feel sad and lonely.

I don't understand why certain things happen in life. I don't understand why I had to lose the one parent I had a close relationship with. But if I've learned one thing, it's that sometimes there are no answers, it's just what it is.

I do know that I've had to learn to stand on my own two feet. Mom was always my crutch, I knew that I could always run back to her if things got too hard. Now I meet things head on and I deal with it. I've learned to accept things that are hard and to move on, swallow that bitter pill.

But there are times where I'll be going along and it'll just hit me that she's truly gone and this huge wave of sadness will come over me. I still struggle with family functions where everyone around me is surrounded by their family, their moms and dads and there I sit, just me. I'll go to the mall and see moms and their grown daughters shopping and I remember when that was mom and me. I'll go to the all the soccer game, lacrosse games and there are always grandparents there. My mom never missed a game, it didn't matter if she wasn't feeling well, she wasn't going to miss anything. But now it's just JR(hubby) and me. So those are the times when her absence is greater for me.

My relationship with JR has grown through all this. He was my rock when everything else in my life changed. He never made me feel bad when I was so depressed I never left the recliner. I know he was hurting too though because he was very close to her, she loved him as if he were her own son and for as long as I live I will never forget him kissing her and telling her that he would take care of me, that everything would be alright. I don't think he knows the sense of peace he gave her because isn't that what every mother wants, to know that their child will be ok? She died the very next day after he told her that and I truly believe he was crucial in her being able to let go.

It kills me to think that one day my kids will feel as I do today, I know they will miss me and I know how hard it will be for them. But death is a part of life. All I can do is love them while I'm here so when I'm gone they will have that to hold on to. My children believe in God, they believe in heaven just as I do and I hope that knowledge will give them great peace as it has me. I miss Mom everyday but I know there will be a day when we are together again and then it will be forever.

But this day will always be a sad one, I had a hard time falling asleep last night because I was thinking about it. When I woke up this morning I found myself just wanting to stay in bed, not wanting to face the day. Here I sit at work though. Later I will go home and watch the kids swim in the pool. I will cook dinner, maybe eat it on the porch. Then I will go with my daughter to her last Brownies meeting until September. I will enjoy watching her receive her patches and I will enjoy spending time with the other moms. Hiding under the covers wouldn't be what Mom wanted. I've done enough of that anyway.