I doubt I'll be posting much between now and the new year. I wish every single one of you a very Merry Christmas and a joyous New Year.

Things around here are settling down a bit with Miss Moody. It's amazing how calm it is without the cell phone, not as much contact therefore not as much drama.

Girly Girl did so good at her recital on Saturday. I just love watching her dance. We made spritz cookies too. They were ok. I'm much rather do the sugar cookie cut outs.

I'm having a few health issues again. Nothing big I don't think but I do need to keep an eye on everything. I think my body is not handling all the stress I've been under lately. So because of that I need to take some down time and since the kids are about to be on winter break, I'm going to take a break as well.

I also need to take the time to work on JR's and my relationship. Don't get me wrong, we're not separating or even considering it. I think we've just hit one of those bumps in the road.

So, I'll be lurking about when I can. If you want to contact me, my email addy is notenoughofmeATgmail.com.

I'm sorry for not being around, things have been crazy and I have not been to work or had a chance to get online.

Here's a recap of my week:

Friday - Sonny Boy still home sick but feeling better. We had our work Christmas party that night so Miss Moody had a friend come over and they babysat Sonny Boy and Girly Girl. Miss Moody started receiving threats on her cell phone while we were at the party so we left a little early. She was very angry and frankly so was I. This is getting old.

Saturday - We cut down our Christmas tree only to find that it had a huge vine of poison ivy from the bottom to the top. JR and Sonny Boy both are allergic to it, even if it's dead.

Sunday - JR and I tried to get some Christmas shopping done. When we got home, Sonny Boy was breaking out with poison ivy and he was miserable.

Monday - Oh lovely Monday. I took the kids to school but had to run home before I went to work. I pulled into my garage and my cell phone rang before I had put the van in park. It was Miss Moody, in tears, telling me I had to come get her. That she'd been in a fight. Yes, a fight. And guess with who, come on, who do you think it was? If you guessed Used To Be Best Friend, you are the winnah!! I told her I was coming right away and the whole way back to the school, I was losing it. I didn't know if she was hurt, I didn't know what I would do if she was hurt. I was so angry and upset, I was shaking. She was fine though, the girls were separated before anything really could happen. Both girls were sent home. The principal was very surprised by Miss Moody's behavior because she never gets in trouble. And she jumped UTBBF after UTBBF pushed her. So that was first thing. I had a hair appointment that I was not going to cancel because my beautician is 8 months pregnant and I was afraid she wouldn't be able to fit me in again and I'm afraid she's going to go early. And I needed a foil, badly. While I'm there, with my head in the shampoo bowl the elementary school is calling, telling me Sonny Boy was in the nurses office. I said I'd be there as soon as I could, I knew it must be bad for him to even go to the nurse. Well, his poison ivy had spread all over his face and around his one eye. Not good.

Tuesday - Miss Moody went back to school with threats of being locked in her room if she didn't stay out of trouble. I took Sonny Boy to the doctor, he was put on steroids to dry up the poison and I had to give him benadryl every 5-6 hours. Which meant there was no way he could go to school because benadryl makes him sleepy.

Wednesday - Sonny Boy stayed home one more day so I could dose him up with the benadryl. The steroids are making him grumpy and very hungry. I swear he's eaten more in the last 2 days than he has since he was a baby. We went and got a new Christmas tree in the late afternoon and it is huge. Or colossal as Girly Girl said, that is one of her spelling words. Anyway, getting the bugger in the house was fun. It took all of us to get it standing up and then it almost fell over. I'll try and take a picture of it once it's decorated but it's so big I don't think a picture will do it justice. Every year it's getting bigger and bigger. I'd like to just go back to a normal size tree, you know a 7-8 footer. This thing measures 13 feet. Miss Moody got a call from a friend telling her that UTBBF had called this friend, stating that if Miss Moody comes to the youth dance on Friday, she was going to jump her big time. Well, Miss Moody is so not going to the dance, I mean she wasn't going after Monday's fiasco. So I decided I needed to call UTBBF's mother and let her know that things were still brewing. Of course UTBBF denies saying that but she wasn't supposed to be on the phone calling anyone anyway. So at least she got busted for that. I know this is just a lot of talk but you know, I'm tired of it. That is exactly why Monday's fight happened. Miss Moody was frustrated and fed up with being threatened every other day so when UTBBF pushed her, she jumped her and that is totally not typical of Miss Moody's character.

Today - All kids are back to school. Thank God. I could not homeschool. School was late though because of fog and it is foggy, thick as pea soup fog. So I finally make into work and I get my email about our cell phone bill, which is something I get every month so I can reveiw. Umm....it was not good. Miss Moody has run it up again, by far the worst ever so she's losing her phone and I don't know if she'll ever get it back. It'll just be a phone to have if she is not going to be home or something. Because I. Am. Done.

I'm not ready for Christmas so I plan doing some serious shopping tomorrow if possible. Saturday Girly Girl has her Christmas dance recital and at some point we have to decorate our enormous tree. Putting lights on that thing should be fun.

I bought one of those cookie spritzers and I can't wait to use it. Yummm. Maybe I can get to that Sunday?

My son is sick, bad sore throat, headache, body aches. Strep test was negative yesterday but he's worse today. I have a feeling I will be calling my pediatrician tomorrow if he's not better. I just wish she had put him on antibiotics.

Oh well, gone are the days of getting the bumble gum medicine with just a runny nose.

I'm at work but I'm finished up all the necessary things, just waiting for my paycheck and then we're headed home. I think Sonny Boy would be content to stay, he's having fun on the internet with our dsl. He's been all over the NASA sight, reading about the space shuttle launch. At home our dial up is so slow, we can't even get alot of the neat websites.

For today, my emotions are in a better place. A lot of this has to do with hormones, my period has yet to start, I'm about a week or so late (no, I'm not pregnant)but I think I'm about to start though. I don't know why I get such PMS or whatever you want to call it.

So, I will enjoy the days when things are good. I'm trying really hard to not obsess over things. I'm trying to slow myself down, I find that I rush even when I don't need to. Do you ever do that? I'll find myself clenching my teeth and rushing all over the house, folding laundry or cleaning the kitchen when I don't have to even feel rushed or stressed. Basically, I'm trying to be more aware, live more in the moment I guess. I don't know. It's hard to explain.

This weekend we're going to get our Christmas tree. I think it's gonna be a huge one again. I plan on not being so anal about it, letting Girly Girl help me more and not moving the ornaments she places on the tree when she leaves the room. See, I get stressed and weird over stuff like that. And it's so not a big deal. That seems to be one of my biggest problems, making a big deal over nothing so that when the bigger deals do come along, I can't cope because I'm worn out.

I was planning on getting some shopping done tomorrow but I'm not sure whether Sonny Boy will feel well enough to go to school. I'm not going to stress over that either. The shopping will get done, even if it's on Christmas Eve.

My weight loss plans are on hold right now. I've been eating from all my emotions so my plan is to just maintain where I'm at and try to eat normally, when I'm hungry, stop when I'm comfortably satisfied.

I'm just trying to be a little kinder to myself. I feel so deeply that is key for me. But isn't it key for all of us? When you're kinder to yourself, you're kinder to those around you.

My friend and I have been suckered into being Cookie Moms for our Brownie Troop again this year. At least this year the whole thing doesn't seem so overwhelming. Last night we went to Cookie Training, got all our "stuff" and we'll be getting started right after the holidays.

Kinda wish we had at least 2-3 weeks after Christmas before we had to start selling. But oh well.

We rode to the meeting with our Brownie Leader. She is a lady in her late 60's early 70's who has been a leader forever. She lost her daughter to cancer 2 years ago or so, her daughter was only 34. Her daughter was also her only child. She does have her granddaughters though. But she's never talked about her daughter before and last night on the way home, she was talking about how hard the holidays are.

I can't imagine how she feels. I know how I feel not having Mom here, but I truly cannot imagine losing a child.

It's amazing how the holidays can bring your grief front and center. After it's been a few years after losing someone, your grief isn't so in your face. You never stop missing the person, it's just you get used to it I guess. Not a day goes by that I don't think about my mother but it's different for me now. I think about her not about losing her so much now.

Well, except for lately.

My emotions have been all over the place for like 2 weeks. And I know it's because it's the holiday season. And I'm trying so hard to not focus on all my emotions because they control me enough.

And I know I'm tired and worn down by several situations that have been going on. And I also know that when I'm going through things I miss her more because I would always go to her and talk it through.

I was laying on the sofa around midnight, not being able to sleep (I'm trying not to take my Ambien for a few days) and I was thinking about how worn out I'd been feeling. I was thinking of how I could change things around so I wouldn't feel so burnt. And really, there is nothing I can change because this is life.

I realized that I miss being mothered. I miss having someone look out for me. It's been so long since I've had anyone recognize that I'm burning my candle at both ends and reach out to help me. Just with an understanding ear or an offer to keep the kids for a day so I can chill out or get some shopping done.

I realized how much I keep in because there is no one that I trust enough to really let it all out. Well, I trust JR but things have been a little weird between us for a while and it's nothing that he's done and it's not even him. It's me.

I realized how disappointed and hurt I've been by my mother-in-law's behavior lately. She's right back to her old hateful, hard hearted self. I thought after going through all that she has since September, being given a 2nd chance (because she was given a 2nd chance, that blood clot went to her leg, not her brain like most clots from the heart do) and there is no explanation for that other than God. And for awhile I saw such a big change in her, she was more tender, more forgiving. But now that she's feeling 100%, it's back to the old ways. So I spend a lot of time keeping to myself here at my desk because I'm not going to put myself in the position to have her coming after me next. I hate that. I hate having to always "protect" myself from her wrath.

I realized how hard it's been having Miss Moody change so much lately and not knowing how to deal with it or what to do with her. How in a way it's been like a loss really because our relationship is different now.

I realized how I miss church and I miss that connection with God that I had for years. But I just don't know how I could ever really go back because it's like that is lost to me now. Not that my beliefs have changed, that would never happen. It's just that I don't see how I could have that back, too much time has passed, too much has changed. I do miss it though. I miss being able to really pray and study my bible. I miss going to church and being around others that believe the same as you.

I realized how I've been settling for a friendship that I know isn't one that I can fully trust or be comfortable with just so we do have people to hang around from time to time. How stupid is that? I mean, we have fun together but they aren't people we can really trust so we have to watch what we say because if we don't want it repeated, it better not get said. I also know that if I were to start going back to church and really committing my life again, our "friendship" wouldn't continue.

Basically, this is what was swirling around in my brain late at night, no wonder I couldn't sleep!

Sorry if this makes me sound weird or a bit mental. But I needed to get this out so I could process it and move on. I can do that here since I'm pretty much undercover and maybe there is someone out there that may happen upon this post and will be like wow, I totally get what you're saying.

The rest of you will just think I'm nuts.

Well, the cold weather has decided to finally arrive here in Maryland. All of last week it was warm enough that you didn't need a jacket, on Thursday and Friday it was in the mid 70's. Then on Saturday it never left the 40's and it's going to stay like this at least for this week.

At least I get to wear my new winter jacket now.

Miss Moody made out fine at the movies on Friday. There were parents there so I felt comfortable with the arrangements. Of course the girls that had been talking smack all week couldn't even look her in the eye which is typical but frustrating. Used To Be Best Friend has tried to get Miss Moody to text with her over the weekend, trying to suck her in, keep the drama going but Miss Moody isn't going there. I think she would if it wasn't for her father and I threatening to take her phone and internet privileges.

I also have a sneaking suspicion that Miss Moody had her first kiss on Friday night. She's been "going out" with this boy for about 2-3 months, he seems very nice, not obsessive, doesn't text inappropriate things and his myspace is fine. But just knowing that she probably kissed him, even once leaves me with this pit in my stomach and makes me want to cry.

We decided to skip the family Christmas party on Sunday, even JR thought it was a good idea with all the drama with his sister. We both felt that it was a good idea to just give it time to blow over.

On Saturday Girly Girl and I went to this paint your own pottery place with my sister. We were there for hours. We made a bowl for my mother-in-law, a picture frame for my brother-in-law and a business card holder for my father-in-law. So that's 3 Christmas presents done, I'll pick them up this Saturday. It was fun, I'll be doing it again.

I baked chocolate chip cookies yesterday. I've had a stomach ache all morning, think it may be from all the dough I consumed?

When will I ever learn?

I'm off to do more online shopping, thank God for amazon.com.