My friend and I have been suckered into being Cookie Moms for our Brownie Troop again this year. At least this year the whole thing doesn't seem so overwhelming. Last night we went to Cookie Training, got all our "stuff" and we'll be getting started right after the holidays.
Kinda wish we had at least 2-3 weeks after Christmas before we had to start selling. But oh well.
We rode to the meeting with our Brownie Leader. She is a lady in her late 60's early 70's who has been a leader forever. She lost her daughter to cancer 2 years ago or so, her daughter was only 34. Her daughter was also her only child. She does have her granddaughters though. But she's never talked about her daughter before and last night on the way home, she was talking about how hard the holidays are.
I can't imagine how she feels. I know how I feel not having Mom here, but I truly cannot imagine losing a child.
It's amazing how the holidays can bring your grief front and center. After it's been a few years after losing someone, your grief isn't so in your face. You never stop missing the person, it's just you get used to it I guess. Not a day goes by that I don't think about my mother but it's different for me now. I think about her not about losing her so much now.
Well, except for lately.
My emotions have been all over the place for like 2 weeks. And I know it's because it's the holiday season. And I'm trying so hard to not focus on all my emotions because they control me enough.
And I know I'm tired and worn down by several situations that have been going on. And I also know that when I'm going through things I miss her more because I would always go to her and talk it through.
I was laying on the sofa around midnight, not being able to sleep (I'm trying not to take my Ambien for a few days) and I was thinking about how worn out I'd been feeling. I was thinking of how I could change things around so I wouldn't feel so burnt. And really, there is nothing I can change because this is life.
I realized that I miss being mothered. I miss having someone look out for me. It's been so long since I've had anyone recognize that I'm burning my candle at both ends and reach out to help me. Just with an understanding ear or an offer to keep the kids for a day so I can chill out or get some shopping done.
I realized how much I keep in because there is no one that I trust enough to really let it all out. Well, I trust JR but things have been a little weird between us for a while and it's nothing that he's done and it's not even him. It's me.
I realized how disappointed and hurt I've been by my mother-in-law's behavior lately. She's right back to her old hateful, hard hearted self. I thought after going through all that she has since September, being given a 2nd chance (because she was given a 2nd chance, that blood clot went to her leg, not her brain like most clots from the heart do) and there is no explanation for that other than God. And for awhile I saw such a big change in her, she was more tender, more forgiving. But now that she's feeling 100%, it's back to the old ways. So I spend a lot of time keeping to myself here at my desk because I'm not going to put myself in the position to have her coming after me next. I hate that. I hate having to always "protect" myself from her wrath.
I realized how hard it's been having Miss Moody change so much lately and not knowing how to deal with it or what to do with her. How in a way it's been like a loss really because our relationship is different now.
I realized how I miss church and I miss that connection with God that I had for years. But I just don't know how I could ever really go back because it's like that is lost to me now. Not that my beliefs have changed, that would never happen. It's just that I don't see how I could have that back, too much time has passed, too much has changed. I do miss it though. I miss being able to really pray and study my bible. I miss going to church and being around others that believe the same as you.
I realized how I've been settling for a friendship that I know isn't one that I can fully trust or be comfortable with just so we do have people to hang around from time to time. How stupid is that? I mean, we have fun together but they aren't people we can really trust so we have to watch what we say because if we don't want it repeated, it better not get said. I also know that if I were to start going back to church and really committing my life again, our "friendship" wouldn't continue.
Basically, this is what was swirling around in my brain late at night, no wonder I couldn't sleep!
Sorry if this makes me sound weird or a bit mental. But I needed to get this out so I could process it and move on. I can do that here since I'm pretty much undercover and maybe there is someone out there that may happen upon this post and will be like wow, I totally get what you're saying.
The rest of you will just think I'm nuts.
Kinda wish we had at least 2-3 weeks after Christmas before we had to start selling. But oh well.
We rode to the meeting with our Brownie Leader. She is a lady in her late 60's early 70's who has been a leader forever. She lost her daughter to cancer 2 years ago or so, her daughter was only 34. Her daughter was also her only child. She does have her granddaughters though. But she's never talked about her daughter before and last night on the way home, she was talking about how hard the holidays are.
I can't imagine how she feels. I know how I feel not having Mom here, but I truly cannot imagine losing a child.
It's amazing how the holidays can bring your grief front and center. After it's been a few years after losing someone, your grief isn't so in your face. You never stop missing the person, it's just you get used to it I guess. Not a day goes by that I don't think about my mother but it's different for me now. I think about her not about losing her so much now.
Well, except for lately.
My emotions have been all over the place for like 2 weeks. And I know it's because it's the holiday season. And I'm trying so hard to not focus on all my emotions because they control me enough.
And I know I'm tired and worn down by several situations that have been going on. And I also know that when I'm going through things I miss her more because I would always go to her and talk it through.
I was laying on the sofa around midnight, not being able to sleep (I'm trying not to take my Ambien for a few days) and I was thinking about how worn out I'd been feeling. I was thinking of how I could change things around so I wouldn't feel so burnt. And really, there is nothing I can change because this is life.
I realized that I miss being mothered. I miss having someone look out for me. It's been so long since I've had anyone recognize that I'm burning my candle at both ends and reach out to help me. Just with an understanding ear or an offer to keep the kids for a day so I can chill out or get some shopping done.
I realized how much I keep in because there is no one that I trust enough to really let it all out. Well, I trust JR but things have been a little weird between us for a while and it's nothing that he's done and it's not even him. It's me.
I realized how disappointed and hurt I've been by my mother-in-law's behavior lately. She's right back to her old hateful, hard hearted self. I thought after going through all that she has since September, being given a 2nd chance (because she was given a 2nd chance, that blood clot went to her leg, not her brain like most clots from the heart do) and there is no explanation for that other than God. And for awhile I saw such a big change in her, she was more tender, more forgiving. But now that she's feeling 100%, it's back to the old ways. So I spend a lot of time keeping to myself here at my desk because I'm not going to put myself in the position to have her coming after me next. I hate that. I hate having to always "protect" myself from her wrath.
I realized how hard it's been having Miss Moody change so much lately and not knowing how to deal with it or what to do with her. How in a way it's been like a loss really because our relationship is different now.
I realized how I miss church and I miss that connection with God that I had for years. But I just don't know how I could ever really go back because it's like that is lost to me now. Not that my beliefs have changed, that would never happen. It's just that I don't see how I could have that back, too much time has passed, too much has changed. I do miss it though. I miss being able to really pray and study my bible. I miss going to church and being around others that believe the same as you.
I realized how I've been settling for a friendship that I know isn't one that I can fully trust or be comfortable with just so we do have people to hang around from time to time. How stupid is that? I mean, we have fun together but they aren't people we can really trust so we have to watch what we say because if we don't want it repeated, it better not get said. I also know that if I were to start going back to church and really committing my life again, our "friendship" wouldn't continue.
Basically, this is what was swirling around in my brain late at night, no wonder I couldn't sleep!
Sorry if this makes me sound weird or a bit mental. But I needed to get this out so I could process it and move on. I can do that here since I'm pretty much undercover and maybe there is someone out there that may happen upon this post and will be like wow, I totally get what you're saying.
The rest of you will just think I'm nuts.
posted by TC at 8:00 AM
3 Comments:
I totally get it! Are we related?
It seems we do so much for everyone else, and don't stop - ever. Then, when it's important for us to take time to grieve, no one wants to hear us.
You are remarkable!
:)
P.S. I put my feelings out in a metaphor on my blog. Exactly what you're feeling?
Tyra, How are you today? I'm thinking of you and hoping you're well. Maggie and I are going to have a 'Salon Day' where we'll do each others hair, and paint our nails. It should be fun, and you should do it, too! I'll post pictures tomorrow.
Let me know-
xoxo
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