I know the new year causes most of us to reflect on the year just past and on the one ahead. That is something I've been doing. I spent most of my holiday break. I'd like to say it was because Sonny Boy was sick and that was some of it. But in all honesty, I just didn't want to go anywhere and be around anyone.

After Christmas, I spent days on the sofa and watched Cops marathons with my son. I wore my frumpy clothes, let the clutter accumulate around me, read a book. I didn't do my hair, I didn't even make the kids get dressed.

I felt bogged down, heavy.

We were invited to a New Year's Eve party, I was thankful that Sonny Boy was sick so we had a reason to not go. I did not want to be sociable.

I don't think I had a real conversation with JR for several days either. I just did not have the energy or desire that it takes to start a conversation or to keep one going.

I was in a pit. I've been in many pits, some worse then others. This one was a bad one.

I stayed up late, couldn't sleep half the time when I did make it to bed.

I wallowed in self pity.

Saturday I managed to get up, get dressed, clean up the house a little and I even took the girls shopping. The mall was crowded but it was ok. It felt good to get out of the house.

Sunday I was back on the sofa though. As I sat there I thought about the year coming to an end, I thought about the new year just about to begin. I thought about the emotional roller coaster I seem to live on. Up one day, down the next. I decided I was tired of it, that it was time to stop feeling/being pitiful and time to find the answer.

I prayed for God to guide me, to show me what I needed to do. I don't pray much anymore, especially for myself. For so long I've had this block wall between myself and God. It's like that connection you have through prayer was broken. I stopped reading my bible, the Word had no meaning anymore. I stopped going to church because I didn't want to praise and worship God.

See, I was angry at God.

This all started after my mother died and she'll be gone 4 years in June. When I turned from God, I turned from how I lived as well. By that I mean, my life choices changed. And ever since I've had this nagging sense of condemnation because I know some of my choices aren't right for me.

But I pushed ahead, doing what I wanted to do regardless. For awhile it was fun and games. As time wore on, it wasn't so fun anymore. That's what I realized Sunday. The way I was living wasn't worth it.

I would say the biggest choice I made was choosing to drink alcohol again. I was a binge drinker as a teen, I drank as often as I could, as much as I could. When I had children my drinking slowed down to maybe 1-2 times a year but I would go over board during those times.

When I became a Christian I stopped drinking completely. Not that I think all Christians should not drink. This was something that I felt God was dealing with me and only me about.

This is very hard for me to admit here. But I just had to share what has gone on.

Sunday night I decided that the drinking was going to stop. I know that my drinking isn't the root to all my problems but I know, deep down, that it's a big part. It's not right for me because I don't just have a glass of wine.

On Monday we went shopping and Girly Girl and I wandered around the book store. I made my way to the Christian section, an area that I've avoided for a long time. I've avoided at first because I was angry and then because I felt guilty, I felt like I couldn't "go back", if that makes sense. My life wasn't right, how could I profess to be a Christian, how could I seek God when I knew I wasn't living the way I should?

I found a book by Beth Moore called Get Out of the Pit, at least I think that's the name. It is the best book. It was like God just put the book in my hands and I'm just devouring it. I also started listening to my Joyce Meyer teaching on cds called Overcoming Depression. She talks about those who struggled with depression in the bible and she talks about the roots of some depression. Between the book and the teaching, it's more clear to me why I've been stuggling.

My next step is getting back to church. My husband does not go to church and that has always been a sore spot between us. I was always so tired of having to drag the kids myself, especially Sonny Boy who wanted to stay home with daddy. But for right now I'm just going to get myself back to church, I'm not going to worry about Sunday School classes, just church. I have a feeling Girly Girl will want to go with me because she likes to go, especially if she gets to stay with me.

I'll be sharing here as I go along. I feel more optimistic right now but I know that satan will be on my heels before too long, making me feel like this is just a waste of my time, that I'm too far gone, it's too late for me. It's amazing the lies that he fills your head with, he takes your insecurities and uses them against you.

I pray that no one feels less of me as I've come clean today.