I'm a bit down in the dumps today. No particular reason, I think it's just hormones.
Some of it is the fast approaching holiday season. I'm looking forward to it, more so with each year but I still miss my mother. I'm looking forward to decorating the house and enjoying the kids excitement. I'm not dreading the holidays like I did there for awhile. But I still get sad I guess. I just have this hole in my life and there are certain times/events that just bring that hole more into focus. Does that make sense? And this year, with my father avoiding me and with my decision to just let it be, just makes me miss Mom more. It is painful to know that your one living parent could care less about spending time with you. But it is what it is and I'm just not willing to keep trying anymore.
And it's hard knowing how Mom's death affected Miss Moody and knowing that she misses her too. Miss Moody was the apple of my mother's eye, not that she didn't love my other two because she did. It's just that Mom was sick for most of Sonny Boy's and Girly Girl's lives, with Miss Moody she was healthy and just couldn't get enough of her.
I miss watching my mom with my kids more than anything else.
I can't wallow in this though because no good will come of it. I just give myself a day or two to feel this way, shed some tears and then I have to pull myself up by my boot straps and get on with it.
But today is just a day I'm letting myself just feel it.
And now deer hunting is well underway. The weather is changing, becoming cooler which means JR will be spending a lot of time in a tree. It's not that I don't want him to go, it just gets on my nerves. But really, it's not a bad thing when I'm feeling like this for him to be gone a little.
I haven't heard how my mother-in-law has made out this morning. She had to be to Washington Hospital by 6am but I'm not sure what time her cardioversion was being done.
I'm considering starting a cross stitch project. I haven't done one in years, I'm thinking it may be good for me to do something like that, work with my hands, do something crafty.
Now you know what's going on in my head today. Tell me what's going on in yours.
Some of it is the fast approaching holiday season. I'm looking forward to it, more so with each year but I still miss my mother. I'm looking forward to decorating the house and enjoying the kids excitement. I'm not dreading the holidays like I did there for awhile. But I still get sad I guess. I just have this hole in my life and there are certain times/events that just bring that hole more into focus. Does that make sense? And this year, with my father avoiding me and with my decision to just let it be, just makes me miss Mom more. It is painful to know that your one living parent could care less about spending time with you. But it is what it is and I'm just not willing to keep trying anymore.
And it's hard knowing how Mom's death affected Miss Moody and knowing that she misses her too. Miss Moody was the apple of my mother's eye, not that she didn't love my other two because she did. It's just that Mom was sick for most of Sonny Boy's and Girly Girl's lives, with Miss Moody she was healthy and just couldn't get enough of her.
I miss watching my mom with my kids more than anything else.
I can't wallow in this though because no good will come of it. I just give myself a day or two to feel this way, shed some tears and then I have to pull myself up by my boot straps and get on with it.
But today is just a day I'm letting myself just feel it.
And now deer hunting is well underway. The weather is changing, becoming cooler which means JR will be spending a lot of time in a tree. It's not that I don't want him to go, it just gets on my nerves. But really, it's not a bad thing when I'm feeling like this for him to be gone a little.
I haven't heard how my mother-in-law has made out this morning. She had to be to Washington Hospital by 6am but I'm not sure what time her cardioversion was being done.
I'm considering starting a cross stitch project. I haven't done one in years, I'm thinking it may be good for me to do something like that, work with my hands, do something crafty.
Now you know what's going on in my head today. Tell me what's going on in yours.
posted by TC at 7:30 AM
2 Comments:
What is going on in my head? Depression.
I am having a terrible time with depression right now. I can't seem to find anything to blog about because I really don't think anyone wants to hear how sad I am all the time. My life in general isn't as exciting as everyone else's. My kids aren't in sports so I can't blog about that. There just isn't anything worth blogging about anymore.
I am seriously thinking about stopping my blog. I will continue to read and comment on other's blog's but I just don't have anything to say on mine.
I have never been good at writing. When I have to write a paragraph for my church newsletter letting everyone know when the next circle meeting is, it takes me forever to write it. I have no self confidence whatso ever.
I am feeling like a failure and like I just can't do anything right. All I want to do is stay home with my boys. I don't want to go anywhere unless I have to.
I have struggled with depression my entire adult life and it never gets any easier. It feels just as bad each time I go through it.
Sorry to dump all that on you but that is what is going on in my head at the moment. Please keep my in your prayers. My spirit and my flesh are weak at this point.
I still miss my mom, too, and she's been out of my life for 38 years. She never met my husband or my kids (I was 14 when she died), but I like to think that she is watching over all of us and smiling. I'm sure your mom is doing the same.
Thanks for your thoughts and prayers today on my blog.
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