I'm here at work, in solitude, it's so quiet. It's gloomy outside, very windy, the sky is gray, all the trees have just about lost all their leaves. The temperature has finally gone down to where it should be, though not as cold as it can be this time of year.

My spirit is heavy though. I've been having periods of vertigo since last Thursday, to the point where I am so nauseated that I cannot move. It's an inner ear thing, stemming from almost constant ear infections as a child. I've never been officially diagnosed but I do think I have menere's disease (that might be spelled wrong, I know it's pronounced men-years). So needless to say I haven't felt well for almost a week. I try and ignore it, sometimes I can't. I have been taking benadryl at night, trying to get the fluid in my ears dried up. This usually happens when I've had a head cold and I just had one so it makes sense.

But whenever I go through days of this, where I'm so sick to my stomach that I don't want to move, when the vertigo is so bad that I can't read a book, I think about those who are chronically ill. I know there is an end to this, it might not be today but this won't last forever. I can't imagine being ill and knowing there's no end to it. How do those people keep their spirits up?

I can feel myself sliding back down in that pit again, where I feel like I'm on the outside looking in. I feel different than everyone else. Basically because everyone else seems happy and I'm not. I'm really not. This was just how it was after Mom died. I coudn't stand to be around other people because my sorrow, my grief was too much for them and I could not fake it. I could not fake being happy just so everyone else was comfortable.

It's not that bad now, I just feel like I'm missing a piece of a puzzle or something. What is it that I don't have? Is there something I'm just not getting here? I don't know. Whatever it is, I feel like it's almost within my grasp and then it's gone again and I'm left searching.

I know this is something within me. I don't blame anyone else and I know that there isn't a single person out there that could make this any better for me. This is something I have to figure out on my own.

But God, I am so tired of it.

Maybe that's the key, getting so darn tired of it that you are willing to do whatever it takes to make it. But what does it take?

I'm striving for inner peace, for happiness regardless of my circumstances. I want to feel my emotions and not be overwhelmed by them, consumed by them.

I need to be more thankful, count my blessings more.

I need to relax more, work on being calm in all situations.

I need to learn to be positive, I have a tendency to be negative.

And the thing is, I will keep trying, even though I'm weary. I can't give up.