I'm not feeling very inspired today so I know this post will be full of complaints. I warn you now.

I have so many feelings running around in my head that I don't know where to begin or if I can begin. Mainly because I hate to sound whiney or hateful. But truthfully, that's just how I feel. Hateful.

I can't put my finger on a single reason for feeling this way. I was going along good and then wham, I was taken over by the hateful bug. Or maybe this hatefulness is always within me and just rears it's ugly head from time to time.

I know that I feel like so much in my life is beyond my control. I don't like that. Intellectually I know that all things work out, sooner or later. But I am my mother's daughter and I don't like feeling like my life is out of my control.

I also know that the task of raising three children has overwhelmed me lately. It's not really raising all three of them that has become harder, it's mostly with my oldest but I will have 3 teenagers at once before long and that is what overwhelms me. I need to just take it one day at a time.

I'm angry with my husband. It's not that he's done something wrong, he's just being him. He's a good guy, he works hard but he really doesn't have a clue half the time. I often wonder if he loses sleep over the changes in our daughter, if he lays there worrying like I do. I doubt it.

Sometimes I wish I were him. I wish that I could get up in the morning and be responsible for only myself. I wish that I could come and go pretty much as I'd like to without it not being one big hassle. I wonder what it's like to be him. He doesn't have to worry about the kids like I do.

And that makes me mad.

But this is a situation of my own making. I can blame no one but myself ultimately. Of course he was going to let me take control, that makes his life easier. The thing is I don't ever remember making the decision for things to be this way. It mainly happened because I chose to stay at home so of course the kids and the house would be primarily my job. But now that I work outside the home, I don't have the time to devote to the house, especially with keeping the kids and their schedules straight. So in order to get the house straight, I would have to neglect the kids somewhat and I don't want to do that. Or I could just try and do it all (like I have been) and lose my mind in the process.

I'm tired of running myself ragged and not having any time for myself. He gets time for himself. It's sad that I have to go to work in order to sit still and have some peace and quiet.

Right now my house is a mess. My laundry is piled up and I have absolutely no desire to take care of any of it. But I hate how the place looks which then makes me hateful.

I know I need an attitude change. I really don't see this changing any. He's only going to get busier. The kids are going to keep growing older and getting busier.

And here I'll still be sitting. Overwhelmed and stressed.

I look out for my kids, that's my job as a parent. But you know, I look out for my husband too. But you know what else, no one looks out for me. No one. No one bothers to notice if I'm tired or if I need a hand. It's like I don't exist or my feelings don't exist.

Maybe because I hide my feelings well. I do. I don't wear my emotions on my sleeve. Usually I'll just bottle it up and then let loose when the pressure is too much.

I think it's normal for us as women to feel taken advantage of. I sometimes wonder if he even sees all that I do in order to make his life easier. But who makes my life easier?

I used to feel so resentful of him and I tried very hard to work through all that. Here I sit though feeling like that again.

I've gotten to the point where I don't even want to be around him. I'm too irritated.

Right now we're here in the office together and we've barely had a conversation since he came in. The one we did have, he pissed me off and he knows he pissed me off so he'll avoid me now.

Whatever.

I told you I was hateful.