Not Enough of Me

2007-02-17T13:54:00.000-05:00

After a lot of consideration, I think I'm going to close down this blog.

I'd love to keep in touch with all the friends I have made here.

I just haven't liked the direction my blog has been taking. I will probably be starting to a new blog, one that will truly reflect who I am, one where I share my journey in life freely. But for right now, I'm just going to take a break.

Please email me at notenoughofmeATgmail.com so we can keep in touch.

I will be lurking at my favorite blogs, don't think I'm leaving you completely.

2007-02-15T14:38:00.000-05:00

Yesterday the kids and I had a snow day. Again. It was more a snow/ice event. I spent the entire day doing absolutely nothing. I'm almost ashamed to admit how lazy I was. Almost.

We didn't do anything special for Valentine's Day. I'm one of those women who could care less, it's just another day. I don't expect flowers or candy, just take me to dinner or bring it home so I don't have to cook.

We went to Pizza Hut which was only fitting since that's where we ate all the time while we were dating.

Today school was back in and I had to work. Miss Moody is home sick with another sinus infection. She's back on Flonase and a z-pack.

Tonight Girly Girl has dance class. Part of me would love to skip it (I'm still in my want to be alone funk) but I'm not going to. Simply because lacrosse is about to start up and I know she will miss some dance classes because of it. And her big recital is the end of April and they are starting to work on their routines so she needs to be there as often as possible.

Tomorrow I have to get together with my co-cookie mom so we can get our first deposits straight. Miss Moody has her Valentine's dance at school, it's more like a winter formal type of thing. I think she will have a great time, I'm sending her with some disposable cameras so she can take lots of pictures and do a scrapbook. That's what she did last year and this year is even more important since this is her last year at this school.

I'm also in desperate need of getting my nails done. It's been almost a month. The girl that normally does my nails is out on maternity leave and my schedule got all off and with all the craziness of the past month, I resorted to going to one of those Asian nail salons at the mall. I was a bit leary but they seemed ok and I was pleased with the results. I just hate not being able to understand what they are saying. So I just smile and nod my head in agreement. Kinda scary isn't it? I could be agreeing to a brazilian wax or something and not even know it.

I think we are going out to dinner Saturday night with friends of ours. I figured with being in such a funk that I needed to do something social on purpose. We'll have a good time, it's just getting there.

I've been watching a lot of tv, that's what I usually do when I'm in a funk. So I've been watching a lot of coverage on Anna Nicole Smith. I feel so badly for her. I think she was just an emotionally fragile person that resorted to drugs, men, people to make her feel good, to validate her. I think she was used by a lot of people in her life. She just seemed so desperate for acceptance, she was willing to do anything for it. So many sit back and judge her, call her a freak, a loser. I just can't help thinking that there's a little Anna Nicole in me too, I was just able to change the course of my life.

Well, I'd better run, Sonny Boy and Girly Girl will be home any minute. I'm sure their folders will be full of homework since we missed yesterday.

Oh joy.

2007-02-13T09:39:00.000-05:00

It's snowing, schools were late starting, why I don't know because the snow didn't start until it was time for the kids to get to school. Now the roads are getting slick so I'm sure they will send them home early. Most of the main roads are ok, the back roads aren't but that's how it always is. They haven't really been able to predict what was going to happen as far as the weather. I was under the impression that my part of Maryland would have rain. Just goes to show, there is no way to really predict what will happen as far as the weather.

Miss Moody is not feeling so good, I have a feeling we will be to the doctor this week. If school gets cancelled tomorrow, I will take her then. Otherwise, I am supposed to be going on a field trip with Sonny Boy.

I have to admit I really don't want to go on the field trip. I am in one of my funks where I don't want to be sociable. When I get like this I just want to keep to myself, carrying on conversations is hard, trying to appear "ok" is hard. So I just want to keep to myself until I work through it.

It's my own fault, I have not been taking my medication like I should. Lots of days I just forget. Or I'll remember but I'll be at work where I don't have of my medication. So now I'm starting to carry some in my purse just in case.

I will go on the field trip though. My son is so excited that I am going and I know pretty soon he won't think it's cool to have his mom go with him on field trips so I'd better take advantage of it.

My husband and I are considering taking a trip to the Poconos. If you get a chance, check out the link and get a load of the rooms they have. You can get a room with your own personal heated pool. Our plumber goes with his wife every year and he said you can stay the whole time and never even leave your room. Some rooms have beds with mirrored head boards, for some reason that makes me laugh. Some rooms have mirrored walls around the hot tube which also makes me laugh. I mean, I'm just not that into looking at myself that much. Especially, well, when certain things are going on.

Ok, I'll shut up now.

But I do think JR and I need to go somewhere. With all the stress of the last few months with Miss Moody and with work, our marriage isn't where it should be. Not that we fight because we don't fight. We're just testy and irritable. And that only makes me want to keep to myself more. I think once you've been with someone a long time, you need to find a way to reconnect and it's been so long since we've done anything fun, just him and I.

Well, all the schools around us are closing early so I'm sure they'll be calling ours anytime. I'd better get some work done so I can leave when I need to.

2007-02-11T11:57:00.000-05:00

I know, I'm here on a Sunday but I'm taking a break from housework so I thought I'd get online and read some blogs.

I didn't go to church this morning. I slept too late to make it to the early service and then I just decided to stay home. I wanted to cook a big breakfast and get the house cleaned and the laundry done.

So here I am.

Yesterday was Girly Girl's Brownie troops cookie booth sale. We sold over 100 boxes of cookies in two hours but man was it cold. It wouldn't have been so bad if it hadn't been so windy. I swear I didn't feel my face until late last night.

Then I took both my girls shopping. Miss Moody needed a dress for the Valentine's Day dance on the 16th at school. Finding a dress was a bit of a challenge. Everything was so hoochie. I ended up buying her a strapless dress which looks great on her and very appropriate because there is no plunging neckline. The dress reaches her knees too and isn't skin tight.

We ended the day by going out for a nice dinner. It was a good day, I needed to do something fun, especially with Miss Moody. We talked a lot at dinner and it was good to hear her being positive. She said she feel that things are better now because she's just avoiding the "drama mamas" instead of trying to reason with them. She says her focus in class is better too.

I think it helped that she had her oldest, dearest friend come over on Friday and they had a good time just being together. They don't spend as much time together as they used to and both her parents and I agree that we need to change that.

Today I'm going to finish up on housework and hopefully get all my laundry done. I would like to start my cross stitch project too. And I want to cook a good dinner, not something that I just throw together haphazardly.

They are calling for a possible snow storm this week, the weather service isn't sure of the track of the storm yet so it's too soon to tell how much we could get. I say bring it on. We haven't had a real good storm in years. I love how the world just stops then and gets so quiet and peacful. So, one good storm would be good then it can start to warm up, lol.

2007-02-08T08:28:00.000-05:00

Ok, I know I promised pictures but wouldn't you know that my camera's battery died and by the time it had charged, the snow was practically gone. It was the most powdery snow I've ever seen and even though it never got out of the 20's, the sunlight just melted it away.

It was so nice to just be home yesterday. I got some cleaning done, did some laundry and just enjoyed not having to be anywhere. It seems like anymore that it's hard for me to enjoy being home. I guess because I have so much to do when I am home that I never can relax. I know that I'm not the only one that feels that way though.

I think what was even better was that I wasn't expecting a day home. I knew there was a chance of snow but it wasn't supposed to be much of anything. And honestly, it wasn't that much snow but I think between what little we did get and the extreme cold, they just cancelled school.

I was doing laundry and decided to wash one of my spring jackets, it had been in the back of my van for months. I cleaned out the pockets and found $5, that made the day even better. I know it's only $5 but hey, that's $5 I didn't have before!

Tonight Girly Girl has dance, she missed the last 2 weeks. On my way home, I will be picking up more Girl Scout cookies for our cookie booth sale on Saturday. I'm already sick of Girl Scout cookies. I think I overdosed on do-si-dos yesterday. Ugh.

Miss Moody is doing a very good job at keeping herself out of potential drama, I think she's finally learning to look at the big picture which makes it easier for her to decide to do the right thing. Aimee, a girl that was involved in stirring up the drama from 2 weeks ago, has been trying her hardest to get in contact with Miss Moody. She's tried being nice, she's tried making comments that would make Miss Moody angry. She wants a reaction out of Miss Moody and Miss Moody keeps right on with her life and doesn't give her one. Even though I know Miss Moody would like to come back at the snarky remarks, she knows that is what Aimee wants and she's not going to give Aimee or the rest of those girls any more of her time and attention.

It's just so irritating the things these girls take issue with. For instance, Aimee keeps telling Miss Moody that she "stole Taylor's sweatshirt so she needs to quit wearing it." Now Aimee isn't saying that Miss Moody actually stole it, it's just that Miss Moody has one just like Taylor's. It's a sweatshirt that has the high school's lacrosse team name on it and it was JR's from when he was in high school. And there are how many others that have the same sweatshirt? Jeez....

I keep reminding myself these girls are only 13 years old.

That's ok though, because Miss Moody wore the sweatshirt to school today, just to make a point.

Well, I'm off to eat my breakfast, read some blogs and then I have to get our bills completely done and in the mail. At least my FIL is happy, the bills will be getting paid while he's on vacation.

2007-02-07T09:01:00.000-05:00

It's A Snow Day!!!!

No work, no school, woo hoo!

Pictures to come later!

2007-02-06T13:13:00.000-05:00

You know you're a mom when.....

you have a kid with a bad stomach ache who wants to eat so you base what you allow them to eat on what you won't mind cleaning off the bathroom floor later.

I had to go get Girly Girl from school, her stomach ache is back.

Again.

Ugh.

2007-02-06T09:04:00.000-05:00

Right now my head feels like it's being beat like a drum, I have this pounding like pain in my temple. Not a good way to start the day.

It is cold here, bitter cold. There is a possibility of snow tonight, only about an inch though.

I know I have mentioned that I live in a rural area. We don't have a lot of crime. My kids schools are both in the same town, just down the street from each other. In this town we have a small bank, a gas station, 2 churches and 2 small restaraunts. I'd say the population is about 300-400 in town, counting the outskirts it's probably 500-600 or so.

Yesterday, the bank was robbed. Miss Moody's school is across the street from the bank. They had cops all through her school building, both schools were under lock down all day. Police were all over town, there were helicopters and they never caught the guy. Whoever did this, knew they would have a good chance of getting away with it. We're not used to dealing with crime of that nature and we don't have a local police department, we're too small, we have to rely on the county and state police.

I went and picked up all the Girl Scout cookies yesterday so right now my van is packed full. Tonight is our troop meeting so I'll be getting rid of some of the cases at least. We're supposed to be having a cookie booth sale this Saturday here at my work, weather permitting.

Tonight is also lacrosse sign ups and Sonny Boy has a soccer game. I have no idea how I will manage the troop meeting which I can't miss and getting to sign ups since JR will have to take Sonny Boy to his game. I'll figure it all out somehow.

Well, I have a ton of work to do so I'd better get to it. My FIL is getting more anxious by the day so I want these bills done.

2007-02-05T09:25:00.000-05:00

I think one of the things that I'm trying to wrap my mind around is how that all of God's promises are for me too. I've never really thought that was true. Maybe because I don't feel that I'm good enough, that I mess up and do things wrong too much or because my home isn't the Christian home that most of my friends have.

I don't know why I feel that everything has to be perfect in order for God to accept me and love me.

I'm also starting to realize how satan is very real and out to harm me. I guess I've always had a hard time with believing that, I don't know, maybe because it's kind of creepy? (you know you think it's creepy too, lol) But I've noticed that the times when I need to attend church the most, I won't want to go, I'll get all down and have a hundred excuses. I was like that this weekend, with both the ladies fellowship and church. Then I realized that's just what satan wants, he wants me to stay home and be miserable. He certainly doesn't want me to go and get lifted up in the Lord by some great Christian ladies. And he really doesn't want me to go to church. So, now I know when I'm really not wanting to go to church, that's when I need to go no matter what.

I've also realized that satan uses every insecurity I have against me and that's why I need to get grounded in the word of God so that when he does that, I'll know what God says about me.

I just have this feeling of being on the brink of something. Like I'm about to have a break through, it's hard to explain. Maybe it's simply that I'm letting God back in again and my mind is starting to clear.

Whatever it is, it's got to be good.

Of course, I'm also seeing some areas in my life that I need to really work on, things I need to change. One really big are is my marriage. Even though things aren't terrible, they aren't where they should be. Honestly, working on that will be hard because I know there will be things God will want me to do that I won't like. For instance, keeping my mouth shut when all I really want to do is tell JR a thing or two. I need to be more supportive of him, I doubt him too much, even though I don't verbalize it, he knows it.

I just wanted to share some of the things swirling around my brain right now. What was your latest revelation?

2007-02-04T18:29:00.000-05:00

I cannot get on the internet with the lap top, it keeps saying the wireless has been disabled, a network cable is unplugged. Nothing is unplugged!!! So, being the computer idiot that I am, I can't fix it which makes me so angry and I was just getting spoiled.

At least I can still get on the desk top, it's just not as comfy.

I went to the ladies fellowship yesterday and I am so glad that I did. It was wonderful. I also went to church today and between the two I've got a lot on my mind. When I've got it more sorted out, I will share it all here. I feel like I'm on the brink of getting something, you know? Like I'm about to have this big light bulb moment.

I have a super busy week ahead which makes me feel all stressed and weird. I've got a little bit of a sore throat, I'm sure it's just my body reacting to all the stress of late. And stressing about the upcoming week is not helping. I need to get a grip, figure out what needs to be done and ask for God to help me complete it all.

I did not make Miss Moody go to field hockey, I'm going to leave it up to her. There is no other indoor team so this is all she has. Lacrosse sign ups are this week so in March our lives will be full of practices again.

Well, I'm off to watch the Superbowl. JR and Sonny Boy are in the living room now laughing their heads off at the commercials.

2007-02-02T08:22:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I was thinking Girly Girl's stomach ache was just that, a stomach ache. The ache never worsened and she was able to eat. I made her favorite dinner, spaghetti, which she ate plenty of. We did skip dance class because I had kept her home from school and she was tired from being up alot the night before. She went to bed no problem. Around 11pm she woke me up (I had just fallen asleep) complaining of her stomach hurting really bad. So I had her stay in my room, she calmed down and went to sleep until around 1:30am or so. She was in terrible pain by this point, I was getting very concerned because I could tell she was hurting. I didn't know if it could be her appendix, could she have some kind of blockage, was she constipated. Just as I was about to get dressed and take her to the ER, she ran toward my bathroom and threw up everywhere.

Talk about a mess. She was trying to reach the toilet but didn't. And I swear, when I stood there, trying to figure out where to begin cleaning it up, my spaghetti dinner was at the base of my throat.

I am throwing out the leftover spaghetti today. There is no way I can eat it.

It is so not fun cleaning up vomit at 2am.

She felt better immediately though and was back to sleep by 3am. I, however, was up forever.

I've kept her home again today. She has eaten jello and feels fine. She says her stomach still hurts but not as bad. So today she will be on a light diet, nothing heavy. And no spaghetti.

The best part about today is JR left his laptop home so I'm curled up on the couch while writing this. I plan on doing some laundry, cleaning up a little and visiting some blogs. I need to go to the grocery store but that may not get done today.

Misty, my cat, is doing so much better. She has perked up and gained some weight. Every time she sees me she gets up and comes over to me, wanting attention. She had stopped doing that, I don't think she had the strength to. She is still having a problem holding her urine but hopefully once her urinary tract infection clears up and her body adjusts to her new diet, that will improve. Excessive urination is a sign of feline diabetes so between that and her infection, she hasn't been able to hold it. She's already had one bath at the vets and I'm giving her a couple more days before I give her one here. That should be fun.

I would like to get to the craft store, I have a cross stitch project I'd like to begin but I need some more floss. I thought that would be something I could do when I'm wanting to munch, something to keep my hands busy. It's supposed to get very cold here starting Sunday, the coldest weather we've had in 3 years which means I'll be stuck inside a lot. I need something to do so I'm not raiding the cabinets.

I am so behind on my bible reading for my bible study. I just have not been able to stay focused on anything I read. I would love to work on getting caught up this weekend, I just need to pray for God to help me.

I cannot get Miss Moody to go back to indoor field hockey because of those girls. As much as I hate to see her walk away, she is very good, I understand where she's coming from. At school she only has to deal with one girl, if she goes to field hockey it's all 3 together. I don't know. I don't like my kids to quit anything, I'm all about seeing things through but how much am I supposed to push here? This isn't just a case of kids not liking you, it's been more than that. But sometimes I worry that she lets other people stop her too much and I'd hate to see her miss out on things because of other people. And on the other hand, I don't want to put extra pressure on her. I don't know.

What would you do? Would you make her go or just respect her feelings and let her quit?

2007-02-01T09:59:00.000-05:00

Girly Girl is here at work with me today. She's been up off and on all night with a stomach ache. It's nothing major but I knew if I sent her to school, they would just be calling me to come get her. She loves coming to work with me, she used to everyday when she was little. Right now she's curled up on her cot, watching Little Mermaid.

My cat Misty is doing ok. She is now on a diabetic diet and has to eat canned food because it is easier for her to eat. She is loving it. She is hungry all the time so I'm feeding her 3 times a day now. Basically I'm just trying to keep her comfortable and loved until it's time. Poor old girl.

My father-in-law is starting to get all stressed here, worrying me about the bills. They are about to leave for Mexico in 9 days and he always gets stressed before he leaves. So I'm going to get as much done today as I can so he'll at least be off my back. I can tell you though, if I was about to leave for Mexico, I would not be stressed.

Saturday I have been invited to a ladies fellowship brunch with some ladies from church. I used to go to them all the time but the lady who held them had to stop for awhile and then I drifted away so it's been a long time since I've been. I'm finding myself nervous about going, why am I like that? I have such a hard time stepping out and doing new or different things but once I do, I'm usually glad that I did. I'm going to go though.

Do you step out easily or is it hard for you like it is for me?

2007-01-31T12:03:00.000-05:00

Works-For-Me Wednesday: Monthly Receipt Envelopes

This tip may be something most of you do anyway but I'm going to share it in hopes of helping other organizationally challenged people.

I bought my daughter a gift card to Build-A-Bear Workshop for Christmas. She was so excited to go use it so off we went. After being there for about 2 hours we were finally finished and it was time to pay. Girly Girl proudly whipped out her gift card to pay and the girl swiped the card. Then she swiped it again. And again.

There was no balance on the card. None. And even though I had written in my checkbook the debit for buying the card, I had no receipt.

I tore my purse apart, still no receipt. So I had to pay for the bear because I had no proof of ever purchasing the card.

So, after that hard lesson, I started carrying an envelope in my purse each month. I label it with the month and year and I put every single receipt in it. Every credit card receipt, every debit card receipt, every cash receipt. That way if I need to return something, I know right where to go and if I never need proof of buying something, I go right to my trusty envelopes.

For more great ideas, visit Shannon's blog.

2007-01-31T08:45:00.000-05:00

Well, my kitty is diabetic and has a urinary tract infection. Apparently excessive urination is a symptom of feline diabetes. I didn't even know cats and dogs could get diabetes. She stayed overnight at the vets and I'm supposed to call this morning and see how she is.

I went online last night and researched feline diabetes. Do you know that I may have to test her sugar just like a person does? And that I may have to give her insulin shots? She will have to eat certain foods and may even have to eat more on a schedule.

The kids were so happy to find out that she was going to be ok, we've had her for almost 7 years. Our new kitty has been lost without her, it's so cute how close they have become. Now I have to get new kitty to the vet, make sure she's not already pregnant, get her fixed and get her shots.

And our dog needs to get his shots as well. Pets are expensive!

Miss Moody had another normal day at school. Maybe just maybe things are turning around. Things are quiet online too. I keep waiting for it start up again though, I'm not convinced these girls have learned to keep their mouths shut yet.

Sonny Boy has a soccer game tonight so we'll be out pretty late. He's enjoying it though, I just wish it were closer.

Girly Girl is getting in trouble almost daily in class. She's gotten in more trouble this year than all her school years combined. I think I may have to go in to talk with the teacher and find out what is going on because something just doesn't seem right.

I've decided to get back on the Weight Watchers bandwagon again. Rather than go to meetings, I'm going to do it online. I've gained back the 7 pounds I lost before the holidays and I just don't like how I've been feeling. I need to take better care of myself because how can I manage all the craziness in my life if I'm unhealthy from eating junk all the time? I will probably just post about my weight loss journey here and get rid of my weight loss blog. One blog is hard enough!

So, since I'm on the subject about getting healthy, share with me some healthy things you do for yourself.
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Update on my cat: Talked with the vet, my poor kitty has a large tumor under her tongue that is inoperable. I can bring her home because she is still eating and drinking and she's not in any pain. I just have to monitor her carefully and if I notice she's not eating or if she appears to be in pain, then it will be time to have her put down. My kids are going to be so sad.

2007-01-30T08:30:00.000-05:00

Miss Moody had a good day at school yesterday. When she arrived at gym class, the principal was there and the female gym teacher actually hung out in the locker room to make sure nothing happend. After the girls were dressed, the gym teacher and the principal talked with UTBBF. Of course, she denies ever saying anything. Miss Moody said she was crying and just carrying on.

You would think these girls would realize that I'm not backing off anymore and that with every threat, I'm going to call them out on it and get them in trouble if I have to.

And actually, right now with the other 2 girls things are silent. So I think we may be making progress.

I'm taking my cat to the vet this morning and I think I may have to have her put down. She's an old kitty and she's become incontinent. I had to throw one of her beds away yesterday because she had peed on it and the worst part is she's just laying in it. Thankfully I had an extra bed and she's now sleeping in it. She's not doing a whole lot either but she is eating and drinking and she's still just as friendly as ever. I don't know. I've never had to make a decision to have a pet put down. I just don't want her to suffer.

Just thought I'd share a few pictures of us from the wedding this weekend.

This is my sister, Girly Girl and me.

This is Miss Moody and Sonny Boy. They are actually getting along here.

This is Girly Girl and JR. She looks just like him I think.

I cannot believe that I am actually able to upload pictures now. Fast internet is the bomb.

2007-01-29T09:33:00.000-05:00

This morning was a typical Monday morning. No one wanted to get up, including me. Girly Girl wanted to wear a skirt to school but the first one she picked out was too small, so was the 2nd one, finally she was able to find something that fits. I swear I can't keep her in clothes right now. She did manage to get her tights on without shredding them. She was in a hurry to get ready and finish her morning routine because she just had to get online and go to barbie.com because she had left Barbie a message yesterday!!!!

My rule is you have to have your entire morning routine done before you can do anything else. It was so funny to watch her making her way through everything. Usually she is the last one done.

So she's brushing her teeth and Miss Moody gets online. Oh boy, talk about a blow up.

See, Miss Moody thinks she owns our computer. I mean, how dare any of us want to get online, the nerve.

I am so not a morning person and I hate when my kids argue and bicker anyway but in the morning, I really hate the fighting and bickering.

Girly Girl finally gets online but then she doesn't want me to know her password for barbie.com. I told her she would tell me or she wouldn't get on there. I was surprised by that and I was already in a bad mood so I told her she could either tell me her password or not get online. But she ended up not remembering her username or password so she had to start over.

The kids all got their report cards on Friday. Sonny Boy brought 2 of his C's up to B's, I am so proud of him because he struggles but he keeps on trying. Girly Girl's report card stayed the very same but her teacher did write down in a nice kind of way that she is a busybody. So I asked Girly Girl about it and of course Mrs. T is wrong. I don't know. I mean, part of me feels like Mrs. T needs to give me examples so I can talk with Girly Girl about it. I guess I should've wrote her note asking for her to do that. I just told Girly Girl to focus on her school work, stay out of any business that does not include her and if there is an argument or fight in the classroom, she is to get as far away from it as possible.

I emailed Miss Moody's principal and gym teacher to give them a head's up about UTBBF's threats. I'm praying things go well today.

I'm fed up though now. It's time for us to have our lives back. Miss Moody is going back to field hockey this Friday. She's going to school with her head held high, she's going to start hanging out with friends. It's time.

2007-01-28T10:27:00.000-05:00

Here I sit feeling guilty because I didn't make it to church this morning. Of all the weeks I really needed to be there, I'm not. I don't have a good reason either. We were out late, I overslept and hubby wanted some attention (blush). I just wasn't watching the clock so....

We had a good time at the wedding. The kids danced and ran around. We danced and spent time with family. The kids even requested for our wedding song to be played so we could dance. We stayed until the end and helped clean up. So it was a late night.

I'm happy to report that I have not taken a sleeping pill in a week and I've actually managed to sleep some. Even with all the stress of this past week.

But in order to stay honest and for the most part, open, I have to admit that I drank 2 glasses of wine last night. I wish that I hadn't. Not that I was intoxicated, it's just that I made a commitment to stop and I gave in.

This is when I start struggling with my faith because I am never completely able to be "good". I'm not saying that drinking 2 glasses of wine is bad but for me, I feel that it is.

And see, when I stumble like this, I usually just turn and give up. Mainly because I don't want to be a bad witness. I don't want someone who does not know the Lord to see me and think, why bother? I don't want to in any way make God less than He is. Maybe that's giving myself more power than ever possible. Sometimes I wish that more Christians would be open about their struggles with the more taboo things. Sometimes I feel like the only Christian that struggles this way but it is a personal thing and some people just aren't comfortable sharing things like that. I just feel like the odd man because my life seems so different compared to others.

I don't know. It's hard for me to put in words how I feel. If I were to try and sum it all up in a nutshell, I guess I would have to say that I always feel like I'm failing, that I'm never going to measure up so why try?

This afternoon we are going to my in-laws for dinner, it's actually a belated b-day dinner for hubby. At least now I don't have to worry about cooking anything.

I'm struggling with feelings of fear about Miss Moody going to school tomorrow. I just don't know if UTBBF will try and fight her in the locker room. I really don't know if she will. I know the girl is angry and she blames Miss Moody and me for everything. It's not so much that I fear that she will hurt Miss Moody, just because they are about the same size and Miss Moody is strong and athletic. It's more that in the locker room there are no adults and there are a lot of girls that would love to see a fight. So rather than run and tell the teacher, they'll just watch it. I don't like that.

I've been looking into some private schools in the area. There is a Christian one but it doesn't have sports programs for girls and I'm not even sure if they are accredited which would hurt her with colleges. I'm not sending her someplace that could hold her back later on. I'm not sure if they even have honors classes or anything either. So I don't think that school is an option. The other private school has a lot to offer and could actually help her with college but I don't know if we can even afford it.

I'm just praying that we can get things to calm down enough that we can keep things as they are.

Maybe I'll post pictures from the wedding if I ever get them off my digital camera. JR will probably end up doing it just because I always forget.

2007-01-26T21:45:00.000-05:00

Well, we bit the bullet and got fast internet here at home. It is wonderful. Now I can be online whenever I want to and it won't tie up our phone line anymore. The very best part is it's fast!!!

Used To Be Best Friend is still running her mouth. Apparently she was telling people she was going to fight Miss Moody in the locker room. It didn't happen but she did get nasty with Miss Moody, accused of her telling another girl not to be friends with her. This other girl, I'll call her AC, had a lot to with things escalating over the weekend. She's a trouble maker and enjoys drama. She and UTBBF should get along famously.

So I called UTBBF's mom, let her know there was still some stuff going on and that she really needed to work with her on letting this go. The mother is at her wit's end and she told me that UTBBF got her myspace deleted before she could view it. I'm not surprised because it was horrible. Of course, I've got it printed out so if her mother wants to see it, I can show her.

Dr. Phil had a show on bullying today and I tried to watch it. But they kept showing this video of this girl getting beat up by 3 other girls and it hit so close to home that I just cried and cried. I finally had to just turn it off.

I just hate feeling so helpless. I feel like this is never going to end. I mean, because really, I can't make any of them really stop. It doesn't seem to matter how often I get them in trouble.

Homeschooling is looking more and more appealing. I just can't imagine doing it because I need to work. I've been thinking about private school, she's even been open to it which shows me how much all this is getting to her.

Keep us in prayer.

Tomorrow my sister's stepson is getting married so I think we'll have a fun evening. The kids always enjoy wedding receptions because JR and I always dance with them.

Sonny Boy had indoor soccer tonight. After the game the whole team went to dinner, it was nice getting out. We needed it.

Can I just say one more time, that I am loving this fast internet?!

I know, simple things amuse simple minds, right?

2007-01-25T11:37:00.000-05:00

Well, yesterday was the longest day I've had in awhile. I spent the morning with the principal, the afternoon on the phone with parents of the girls that are harassing my daughter.

I've been doubting myself since yesterday. Did I do the right thing? My main concern was making it worse on her. I explained that there are no guarantees that we can get them to completely stop, that things could get worse. But I felt it was time to act and she agreed.

The principal did as much as I could really expect him to. I felt that he listened to us, he was honest and he worked with Miss Moody on trying to make her day as comfortable as possible.

But she did not want to stay. She cried and cried. But I knew she had to stay, that she had to face everyone, that we couldn't postpone it all.

And boy was she angry with me when she got home.

Apparently the principal told all the kids he talked to that the police had been contacted. I could see him telling Used To Be Best Friend that but not these other kids. Maybe he used it as a scare tactic? Maybe he misunderstood who we did talk with the police about. I don't know.

The school is a small one, we live in a small area where you know everyone and they know you. Which translates to everyone knowing everyone else's business. So, things can spread like wildfire and because we are a quiet, rural area with little crime, having police brought into a situation is a big deal. Perfect gossip. Especially for a bunch of preteens and teenagers.

Miss Moody just wanted to move on but everyone was bugging her, wanting to know what was going on, what had happened. Who called the cops? Why? Who's getting arrested? I know it was endless.

And I know today isn't going to be much better. By next week the kids will have moved on to something else.

I do think it may get worse before it gets better. These girls are angry that I busted them. They are angry that I have proof, taken from their very own myspace pages. They are angry that I have made their parents aware of their behavior. So, if they didn't like Miss Moody before, they surely do now.

Therein lies my problem. Did I do the right thing? Should I have remained silent?

I don't know what we are going to do about indoor field hockey. If she goes, she'll have to face every single one of them. Not that I think anything will happen but I'm not completely confident of that. It's more about how awkward and weird it would all be, how I know the parents will want to discuss it and you know, I'm done now. There is nothing left to say. I'm going to leave field hockey up to Miss Moody. Mainly because I don't want to force her anymore then I've had to so far. But then we've had to change so much in order to try and stay away from the trouble. It's like we've had to change almost everything while these girls keep on as normal. Which is their whole point, wouldn't you say? Isn't that what bullies want? I've contacted the coach but haven't heard from her so far and I may not. She might not want to get involved.

I've been trying to be understanding and respectful of her feelings, trying to remember what it was like being her age. But last night when she was angry and really coming at me, I lost it. I'd had enough. Because this hasn't only affected her, it's affected our entire family. I have spent so much time over the last 3 months, keeping her straight, monitoring everything that I'm tired and worn out. I don't have much left for her brother and sister and that's not fair to them. Like last night, I don't think I had real conversations with either of them and before I knew it, it was time for bed. And I know this has been very hard on her and I know when you are a teenager, you can't see past yourself, it's all about you. And really, it has been all about her lately.

And I was so frustrated because I felt like she was being so ungrateful. When I was growing up and being bullied, I had to deal with it on my own. I didn't have anyone that was willing to go to the principal for me or even to the police. And I was bullied but I learned to take care of myself.

But she doesn't know how that is because I've always been there for her and she knows that I'll take up for her.

And she doesn't realize how awkward and uncomfortable this is for me and her father. I mean, we're telling people how bad their kids are behaving and let's face it, no one likes to hear that about their kids. Some parents even get offended, won't believe you and it can get ugly. Thankfully that hasn't happened so far here but it's still awkward. I don't like confrontation, who really does?

So, I called her down on a few things. Our emotions were just all over the place and we both needed to just chill out. And after my little melt down, everything calmed down and the rest of the night wasn't too bad.

I'm dreading her coming home though, just because if she had a bad day, I'll feel responsible and then I'll feel guilty.

I hate doubting myself.

2007-01-24T04:52:00.000-05:00

It's almost 5am here, I've been laying awake for some time and decided I needed to get up.

I'm here asking that you would pray for my daughter, Miss Moody.

Things have gone from bad to worse regarding the bullying she's been dealing with for about 3 months.

It's so bad we actually contacted the police yesterday to see if we have enough to have at least 3 girls charged with harassment.

We do.

This morning JR and I are headed into school for a meeting with the principal. I have a ton of things I printed off the internet yesterday, my evidence I guess you would say. I also have her cell phone.

This is a complicated mess, involving kids from another school as well as our school.

I'm so weary right now. I just don't know what to do but I know I have to do something. I've been sitting back and just waiting to see if things would blow over. But they're not. And now I'm concerned enough for my daughter that I have to step up.

But really, there's no guarantee that if I step up, we can get this to stop. By getting these kids in big trouble, it could actually escalate things.

I hate feeling helpless.

It's so frustrating. We took Miss Moody's cell phone away almost 2 months ago. We gave it back to her Friday night and had to take it away Saturday night. She didn't even do anything wrong but we had to do it in order to cut off the communication. Yesterday she was online, chatting with her friends, minding her own business and it started. So I had to yank her offline.

She's getting punished all the way around.

I know she's not perfect. I'm sure she has said things back, said things about these girls. She is after all, human. But I know for a fact that she is not harassing anyone. I know that she doesn't have inappropriate things on her myspace, I know she's not threatening anyone on AIM. How do I know? Because I check. Every single day. And she knows it. If she's chatting online, I stand behind her to see who she's talking to and what she's talking about.

Where are the other parents in all this? Do they not even bother to check up? Obviously not because if they knew what these girls are talking about doing, what they have done, I would assume they would be taking action. For example, these girls talk about partying, drinking alcohol, having sex. They are 13 years old. 13!

I have tried to talking to the parents but nothing has changed.

So now I have to go another route.

I don't know if I'm going to have to pull her out of school. Bascially if I'm not happy with how the principal chooses to handle things, I will have no choice. And another thing is Miss Moody will be going to high school next year and she'll be going to school with all these girls then.

The stupidity of these girls is huge. They are online threatening to beat up my daughter. I have it printed out with their pictures right next to their comments. I guess they thought that nothing would ever come of it?

Well, I've printed out everything. Everything. So I'm armed and as ready as I can be.

I don't know when I'll be back online again. I've taken the whole week off work to get all this taken care of.

Please pray for all of us but most specifically for Miss Moody, her name is Ally. Her emotional state is not good and I'm very concerned about that.

I'll be in touch as soon as I can. Thank you so much.

2007-01-18T08:54:00.000-05:00

Brrrr....it is cold this morning. We might even see some snowflakes tonight, nothing major though, the kids are bummed. Honestly, I wouldn't mind some snow, one good snow storm would be all the kids would need. But then if we don't use our snow days, the kids get off earlier for summer so it's a toss up.

I was able to get off work yesterday at noon. It is so S-L-O-W in here right now. Anyway, I went home and rested until the kids got home. I was able to make it to yoga. This week we did some different poses and stretches and I really feel it in my hips and legs. I'm glad I went, I feel so much better afterwards.

Tomorrow night the kids are going to my in-laws for a sleep over. My SIL's kids are going too so that will be one busy house. I'm hoping JR and I can go out for a nice dinner and enjoy being by ourselves.

Tomorrow my fellow cookie mom and I are turning in our initial cookie order so the fun is about to really begin. We're going to have 2 cookie booths this year and we may even tailgate in our neighborhood. Hopefully we'll do as well this year as we did last year. One of our power sellers (lol) bridged up this year though so we'll see.

Saturday I plan to clean my house. I mean, really clean it. The house is a source of stress for me right now so I need to take care of it.

Sunday I plan to go to church. I'm really looking forward to my Sunday school class. And I guess I'll be watching football to see who wins the playoffs this weekend. I think it's going to be the Saints and the Colts that will make it to the Superbowl.

What are your weekend plans?

2007-01-17T08:46:00.000-05:00

I am so tired this morning. I decided to not take a sleeping pill last night and I didn't sleep, it was more like I was dozing, completely aware of what was going on around me. I finally just got up at 3:30am and watched tv, I dozed off and on until I had to get up and get the kids moving.

Ugh.

I'm supposed to go to yoga tonight, it is relaxing so I should probably go but I know I'll be dead on my feet by this afternoon.

Homework should be fun, Wednesday nights is usually sentence night for both Sonny Boy and Girly Girl. Girly Girl does pretty good with it, Sonny Boy not so good. As a matter of fact, he hates it. Well, he hates all homework. He also has a book report to work on which is a struggle every single month. I have to make him read his book even though I always go to the library and find a selection of easy readers that I think he would enjoy so he can choose one. I just get tired of the hassle every night with homework and then the book reports. I'm also having some problems with his reading help at school. I had to have him removed from one tutor but in doing that, he now misses his gym classes and will have to go with another class. He does not want to do that, even though he knows every single kid in the other class. He hates missing gym and I just don't know what to do. I know if I take him out of reading help he's going to go backwards but I also know gym is a good outlet for him. I also know that if I take him out of reading help, he will then be expected to do work that is much harder. Right now he's in Title 1 which helps him regarding teachers and the work they give him. I also have to look ahead to middle school, he goes there next year and if he goes there still in Title 1, the same applies.

Sounds like I'm grumbling, lol.

I have completed my first week in the bible study I'm doing online. I joined a yahoo group and there's like 43 of us doing it together. I'm happy to say that I have been keeping up with my reading but it is a lot. I need to break it up into smaller parts, like read a bit in the morning, some over lunch and the rest in the evening. I love hearing what other people notice in the daily readings, gives me something to think about.

I'm off to visit some blog friends and I need to get some breakfast. I'm a little sick to my stomach, I think because I didn't eat dinner (I was too full from eating a large, late lunch) and I'm so tired. I need a pick me up.

2007-01-16T08:05:00.000-05:00

I mentioned that I just started a Sunday School class on the Book of James. One scripture that my teacher pointed out to us has just stuck with me ever since and I keep going back to it.

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." James 1:17

My teacher said that God never changes, no matter what it looks like.

It's such a comfort to know that even when you don't feel God, He's still there, still the same.

And let's face it, in this ever changing world, it's a huge comfort to have a God that doesn't change.

"Perseverance must finish it's work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:4

This was another scripture my teacher focused on and one statement he made also stuck with me. He said "you can either grumble or grow." Wow. Basically we can grumble about our trials or grow in our trials.

I have to admit I have spent way more time grumbling.

How about you? Do you grumble through trials?

*******************************************************************

Wow, 2 posts in one day, can you tell I am bored at work?

I have a game to play while I wait for the phone to ring, I can't stop playing it, my highest level is 8. Check it out, see if you like it.

2007-01-15T09:01:00.000-05:00

Wow, this weekend flew by. Did it for you?

Friday night we went to Miss Moody's field hockey game, well she was supposed to have a game but there were basketball games going on and there's only one gym. Some scheduling mishap or something. I don't know but it was disappointing.

Saturday I went shopping with my sister. Her step-son is getting married on the 27th so she needed to find something nice to wear. That is the first time in years that we went shopping and it was relaxed and fun. I almost didn't go, Sonny Boy had a friend that stayed the night on Friday, he had a birthday party later in the day, I knew JR was going to go hunting but I decided that I was going to go, I had told her that I would. I left JR with all 3 kids plus an extra and a list of who needed to be where and when and off I went. I didn't call home once either,even though I wanted to but I figured JR's a big boy, he can handle it.

And he did handle it but I didn't hear the end of it all night. As a matter of fact, he made me angry and even though I know I'm not supposed to let the sun go down on my anger, I'm still a little miffed with him. I rarely do anything by myself on the weekends and you all certainly know that I try and take care of most things regarding the children, keeping their schedules, getting them here and there, the normal stuff moms do. And even though I would like for him to step up and help more, he just doesn't. He's used to working and coming home and I've taken care of everything. And let me tell you, when I got home on Saturday, he was done with it all and pretty much let me know it.

And rather than being understanding, I was like get a grip, you had the kids alone for 5 hours and had to take one to a birthday party, big deal. It's not like you had to change diapers.

Grrr....

I went to church on Sunday, I figured I really needed to go, lol. I went to the early service because we had our nephew's birthday party at 1pm. I really liked going to the early service and then I decided to stay for a new Sunday School class on the book of James, on how to deal with your anger. Isn't God funny? I knew I needed to stay and I'm glad I did.

But I'm still a little miffed.

The kids are home from school today but I have to work until noon, gotta get the bills out. Next week they have Monday and Tuesday off, I think I may take those days off too if I can, or just work Monday until noon. I don't know. I just hate being here when the kids are home.

I'm debating whether to switch to this new blogger, I've heard good things and bad things. Any opinions?

2007-01-11T08:19:00.000-05:00

I think winter has finally decided to show it's face here, it is cold this morning and it was cold and windy yesterday. The weather has been so crazy, on Saturday here it was in the low 70's, you could go outside in a t-shirt and be fine. In January!

I took Miss Moody to the orthodontist yesterday and we discussed the issue with her jaw. She still cannot open it all the way and if she tries to force it, it hurts and pops. So she's on a soft diet, absolutely no chewing gum (which she shouldn't have since she has braces but I know she chews it) and we go back in 6 weeks. She was due to have this device put on that would help bring her lower jaw forward but now that she's having all these problems, the orthodontist has decided to just do rubber bands. Hopefully with time this will resolve itself.

Tuesday night Sonny Boy had indoor soccer, it was fun to watch, very past paced. We look like the Bad News Bears though. We're wearing our uniforms from outdoor, we're a coed team where the other teams have these official uniforms and no coed teams. It was funny listening to the other parents, they thought they had the game wrapped up before it began. But that wasn't the case, the game was tied and the opposing team had to fight for every goal just like we did.

Last night I attended my first yoga class. I was apprehensive and I almost didn't go but I'm glad I did. There wasn't any chanting or anything like that. It was mainly just different poses which stretched my muscles and it's about being in the moment and coordinating your breathing with your movements. I'm sore this morning, I used muscles I didn't know I had.

Tonight Girly Girl goes back to dance class, she's been off for 3 weeks and tomorrow night Miss Moody has field hockey. Busy, busy, busy.

I had Miss Moody stay home yesterday, her mouth was really hurting and I didn't see the sense in making her go. But apparently Used To Be Best Friend got in trouble at school, was in the principal's office most of the day. She wrote a threatening letter to her ex-boyfriend and he gave it to the principal. At least this situation had nothing at all to do with Miss Moody, she wasn't even in school. It sounds like UTBBF has a problem with threatening people though, last week she was threatening a 7th grade girl. She needs to get a grip.

I'm off to get payroll going and I have to finish my billing or my FIL will have my head on a platter!

2007-01-09T08:22:00.000-05:00

"Wherever you are spiritually whatever you have been through emotionally, you
are already wrapped in the Lord's embrace. Held close by nail-scarred hands."~ Liz Curtis Higgs~

This quote gives me such comfort, it's hard for me to put into words. I have felt so far away from God for so long and made choices that aren't what God would want for me. Knowing that God was there all along and is with me now, gives me peace and hope. Knowing that God was still there when I refused to acknowledge Him, knowing that He loved me still and knowing that He has forgiven me gives me hope.

I've thought that it was too late, that there was no way that I could ever have my relationship with God back but the truth is, He never left me, He was there waiting for me to turn back to Him, beckoning me all the while.

I'm still a bit apprehensive, I kind of feel like I'm just putting my toes in to test the waters. I'm still waiting to see if God is angry with me, if He will turn away. But over the last few days as I've prayed and studied, I've realized that is just what satan has wanted me to think. I just keep telling myself what satan meant for my harm, God will use for my good.

Don't forget to visit Iris and leave your link if you choose to participate in this week's In "Other" Words.

2007-01-08T08:31:00.000-05:00

Mondays are hard, especially when it's rainy and gloomy outside. I did not want to get up this morning and neither did the kids.

I'm feeling better. Thursday night I took Nyquil before I went to bed. JR takes it all the time, sleeps like a baby, just like the commercial says. Well, it has the opposite effect on me. I was up all night. I think I maybe slept 2 hours total. When I got up on Friday I was miserable. I was achy, my head felt like it was going to explode, I was coughing and I was tired. Bone tired. And all I kept thinking about was that I was driving to Philadelphia and going to be out late. So, I hit the grocery store first thing, cancelled the kids afternoon hair appointments, got JR to pick them up from school and I went to bed.

The drive to Philly wasn't bad, thank God. Being the small town girl that I am, I don't like driving on the interstate, especially at rush hour but it worked out fine. Girly Girl absolutely loved the show but she loves princesses, mainly because she considers herself one. She loved it so much that I'm thinking about planning a Disney trip. We've never been and the kids haven't really cared all that much about going but after seeing Girly Girl's face light up when Cinderella made her entrance, I know she would love Disney World.

Saturday I got all my Christmas stuff taken down and put away in the morning. I slept all afternoon. It was wonderful.

Sunday I went to church and I am so glad that I did. It felt good to be back, to hold my bible, read the verses, sing the praise and worship songs. I have missed it so much. The church is offering the Alpha Course which I'm considering taking. It's a 10 week commitment on Monday nights and I have to register by Wednesday so I'm going to pray about it and talk to JR. It's hard for me to do things on weeknights.

Miss Moody made out well at indoor field hockey. There was no drama, it was a little awkward for her but it all worked out. One girl, T, made a snarky comment online over the weekend about her but Miss Moody is going to ignore it, responding will only stir up the pot again. Right now things are relatively peaceful. Miss Moody was stressed again last night, she really has a hard time when she has to go back to school after being home and that just breaks my heart. She feels safe at home and loved. Her main problem is feeling like she has no close friends to be with and it's not that she doesn't have close friends, but with the 8th grade being split into 2 groups, she doesn't see her closest friend but once a day. I just wish I could make all this easier for her, it kills me to see her hurting and struggling.

We also have a new addition to our family. Friday night we had a cat, well an older kitten show up at our house. She's no older then a year and cute as can be. She doesn't have a tail, loves attention but is extremely dumb when it comes to cars and trucks, rather then being afraid when they start up, she just sits there underneath them. Not good. So I'm going to wait and see if someone is looking for her and if not, I guess she's going to stay. And she likes to play in water, isn't that weird? We had a bucket full of water outside and she was sticking her paws in and playing in it and she does that every time she drinks.

How was your weekend?

2007-01-04T10:53:00.000-05:00

Well, it looks like I have now caught the crud that has swept through my entire family, guess it couldn't part without getting us all. My head is so full I swear it's about to bust into a million pieces. No medicine is helping and I look like Rudolph with a nose so red. I'll spare you all the gory details but it's truly amazing how much mucus a body can produce.

Anyhoo....

Tomorrow night I'm going with Girly Girl and her Brownie Troop to see Disney Princesses on Ice. It's Scout night and after the show the girls will do a special activity and they even get a badge. It's going to be a long night because we have to travel to Philadelphia to see it. The girls are so excited. I just hope I feel better by then.

Miss Moody also starts indoor field hockey tomorrow night. I'm a little nervous about the whole thing, I don't know if the girls she's had some problems with are playing. She does have several friends that are playing though. I don't know. Things have cooled down with all that drama but only because I have been monitoring everything. Part of me is thankful that all this happened because it opened Miss Moody's eyes, she now sees what her father and I were warning her about. At least now we don't have to worry about her fighting us about not going over to Used To Be Best Friend's house, especially next year. UTBBF has little supervision at home and I know once she's in high school she'll be dating boys that are older and have cars and I know these boys will end up at her house. I've been watching UTBBF's myspace and if the messages there are truthful, several girls drank alcohol at a New Year's party, these are 13 year old girls.

But even though I am thankful that all this happened, I do feel badly for Miss Moody. This has been very hard for her but I admire that she's trying to move on and she's not letting them stop her from doing something she enjoys. I wish that I could be there for her tomorrow night but her dad will be there and my in-laws are even thinking about going just as extra support.

And if my mother-in-law is there, I know Miss Moody will be fine because my MIL is hard as nails and ain't nobody messin' with her granddaughter.

Saturday I plan on getting my house back in order. I hate to see our pretty tree go but I'm tired of the all the stuff.

Sunday we have our nephew's 2nd birthday party at 1pm which kind of messes with my plans to go to church. My SIL lives about 45 minutes from us. The church I was attending for about a year when Mom died has an early service at 8:30am so if I got myself moving early enough I could make it. That church is about 30 minutes from my home and I loved going there. The only down side to that church is that it's huge, like over 1,000 members and it's real easy to kind of feel lost in the shuffle. But it's a great church, I just wish it were closer.

Have a wonderful, safe weekend. You never know, I may pop in here on Saturday which would be a first, lol.

2007-01-03T08:30:00.000-05:00

I know the new year causes most of us to reflect on the year just past and on the one ahead. That is something I've been doing. I spent most of my holiday break. I'd like to say it was because Sonny Boy was sick and that was some of it. But in all honesty, I just didn't want to go anywhere and be around anyone.

After Christmas, I spent days on the sofa and watched Cops marathons with my son. I wore my frumpy clothes, let the clutter accumulate around me, read a book. I didn't do my hair, I didn't even make the kids get dressed.

I felt bogged down, heavy.

We were invited to a New Year's Eve party, I was thankful that Sonny Boy was sick so we had a reason to not go. I did not want to be sociable.

I don't think I had a real conversation with JR for several days either. I just did not have the energy or desire that it takes to start a conversation or to keep one going.

I was in a pit. I've been in many pits, some worse then others. This one was a bad one.

I stayed up late, couldn't sleep half the time when I did make it to bed.

I wallowed in self pity.

Saturday I managed to get up, get dressed, clean up the house a little and I even took the girls shopping. The mall was crowded but it was ok. It felt good to get out of the house.

Sunday I was back on the sofa though. As I sat there I thought about the year coming to an end, I thought about the new year just about to begin. I thought about the emotional roller coaster I seem to live on. Up one day, down the next. I decided I was tired of it, that it was time to stop feeling/being pitiful and time to find the answer.

I prayed for God to guide me, to show me what I needed to do. I don't pray much anymore, especially for myself. For so long I've had this block wall between myself and God. It's like that connection you have through prayer was broken. I stopped reading my bible, the Word had no meaning anymore. I stopped going to church because I didn't want to praise and worship God.

See, I was angry at God.

This all started after my mother died and she'll be gone 4 years in June. When I turned from God, I turned from how I lived as well. By that I mean, my life choices changed. And ever since I've had this nagging sense of condemnation because I know some of my choices aren't right for me.

But I pushed ahead, doing what I wanted to do regardless. For awhile it was fun and games. As time wore on, it wasn't so fun anymore. That's what I realized Sunday. The way I was living wasn't worth it.

I would say the biggest choice I made was choosing to drink alcohol again. I was a binge drinker as a teen, I drank as often as I could, as much as I could. When I had children my drinking slowed down to maybe 1-2 times a year but I would go over board during those times.

When I became a Christian I stopped drinking completely. Not that I think all Christians should not drink. This was something that I felt God was dealing with me and only me about.

This is very hard for me to admit here. But I just had to share what has gone on.

Sunday night I decided that the drinking was going to stop. I know that my drinking isn't the root to all my problems but I know, deep down, that it's a big part. It's not right for me because I don't just have a glass of wine.

On Monday we went shopping and Girly Girl and I wandered around the book store. I made my way to the Christian section, an area that I've avoided for a long time. I've avoided at first because I was angry and then because I felt guilty, I felt like I couldn't "go back", if that makes sense. My life wasn't right, how could I profess to be a Christian, how could I seek God when I knew I wasn't living the way I should?

I found a book by Beth Moore called Get Out of the Pit, at least I think that's the name. It is the best book. It was like God just put the book in my hands and I'm just devouring it. I also started listening to my Joyce Meyer teaching on cds called Overcoming Depression. She talks about those who struggled with depression in the bible and she talks about the roots of some depression. Between the book and the teaching, it's more clear to me why I've been stuggling.

My next step is getting back to church. My husband does not go to church and that has always been a sore spot between us. I was always so tired of having to drag the kids myself, especially Sonny Boy who wanted to stay home with daddy. But for right now I'm just going to get myself back to church, I'm not going to worry about Sunday School classes, just church. I have a feeling Girly Girl will want to go with me because she likes to go, especially if she gets to stay with me.

I'll be sharing here as I go along. I feel more optimistic right now but I know that satan will be on my heels before too long, making me feel like this is just a waste of my time, that I'm too far gone, it's too late for me. It's amazing the lies that he fills your head with, he takes your insecurities and uses them against you.

I pray that no one feels less of me as I've come clean today.

2007-01-02T08:14:00.000-05:00

I cannot believe the holidays are over that quickly.

Here's a recap:

My father did come over on Christmas Eve and he even called me about it. We had a nice day too. We baked cookies, ate way too much food and just hung out all day. My sister brought her puppies and boy did that reinforce not wanting another dog when Buster is gone. The kids enjoyed them. My nephew was there almost all day, he has changed so much. He's an adult now and I can tell he's very happy with his life and what he's doing. His girlfriend came for awhile and she's great, she's good for him.

Christmas Day was good. We go to my in-laws for dinner every year, exchange gifts and all. My sister-in-law is there of course and it wasn't too bad actually. We had a few episodes over dinner, her daughter's were in tears over being made to eat food they didn't want. I hate that. My MIL gave Sonny Boy a whoopy cushion as a gift which just delighted him to no end and of course he had to play with it. My SIL and her husband weren't so delighted, especially when Girly Girl said the word fart. Apparently their children have never heard that word before. Ummm...yeah right. Their oldest goes to school all day and rides the bus, I know she's heard that word before and probably worse unfortunately.

Sonny Boy ended up sick again while on break. So we went back to the doctor's again. His throat was terrible but his strep test was negative so I had to take him to get a mono test. I have yet to get those results. He's better though and went back to school. I had mono when I was 17 and I was sick off and on for about 2 months and then I got real sick and stayed sick for another month. It was awful. So I'm not sure if he has it or not because he is better but I kept him down and made him rest. We'll see because he hasn't been 100% since he was sick 3 weeks ago.

Miss Moody is having problems with her jaw, I think it's a TMJ kind of thing but she hasn't been able to open her mouth all the way for a week. The dentist and orthodontist were both closed all week last week so I guess I'll be taking her somewhere this week. She so didn't want to go back to school today. My heart goes out to her because I know she has to put up with a lot and she's had nothing but peace all week.

JR ended up sick with this massive head cold all week which meant he took Nyquil at night which meant I had to sleep somewhere else. He snores anyway but man when he takes that stuff, it's worse then a wind tunnel.

New Year's Eve we did absolutely nothing. Not that we usually do much. I didn't even stay up until midnight.

Yesterday we went shopping, the kids had Christmas money burning a hole in their pockets. We ate dinner at this place called the Blue Star Grill. Do not go there. Talk about a money pit. I had a $15 salad which was only worth about $5. A total rip off.

And today I'm back to work. My throat is a little sore and my nose is stuffed up, this happened over night so I'm not sure if I'm getting sick. Sonny Boy has his first indoor soccer game tonight but I can't go because Girly Girl has Brownies and it's cookie training night so I have to be there. Miss Moody starts indoor field hockey on Friday. I give her credit because she isn't letting those girls stop her from doing something she loves.

My great blogging friend Veronika is going through a real tough time, stop by and give her a hug.

2006-12-19T10:29:00.000-05:00

I doubt I'll be posting much between now and the new year. I wish every single one of you a very Merry Christmas and a joyous New Year.

Things around here are settling down a bit with Miss Moody. It's amazing how calm it is without the cell phone, not as much contact therefore not as much drama.

Girly Girl did so good at her recital on Saturday. I just love watching her dance. We made spritz cookies too. They were ok. I'm much rather do the sugar cookie cut outs.

I'm having a few health issues again. Nothing big I don't think but I do need to keep an eye on everything. I think my body is not handling all the stress I've been under lately. So because of that I need to take some down time and since the kids are about to be on winter break, I'm going to take a break as well.

I also need to take the time to work on JR's and my relationship. Don't get me wrong, we're not separating or even considering it. I think we've just hit one of those bumps in the road.

So, I'll be lurking about when I can. If you want to contact me, my email addy is notenoughofmeATgmail.com.

2006-12-14T09:51:00.000-05:00

I'm sorry for not being around, things have been crazy and I have not been to work or had a chance to get online.

Here's a recap of my week:

Friday - Sonny Boy still home sick but feeling better. We had our work Christmas party that night so Miss Moody had a friend come over and they babysat Sonny Boy and Girly Girl. Miss Moody started receiving threats on her cell phone while we were at the party so we left a little early. She was very angry and frankly so was I. This is getting old.

Saturday - We cut down our Christmas tree only to find that it had a huge vine of poison ivy from the bottom to the top. JR and Sonny Boy both are allergic to it, even if it's dead.

Sunday - JR and I tried to get some Christmas shopping done. When we got home, Sonny Boy was breaking out with poison ivy and he was miserable.

Monday - Oh lovely Monday. I took the kids to school but had to run home before I went to work. I pulled into my garage and my cell phone rang before I had put the van in park. It was Miss Moody, in tears, telling me I had to come get her. That she'd been in a fight. Yes, a fight. And guess with who, come on, who do you think it was? If you guessed Used To Be Best Friend, you are the winnah!! I told her I was coming right away and the whole way back to the school, I was losing it. I didn't know if she was hurt, I didn't know what I would do if she was hurt. I was so angry and upset, I was shaking. She was fine though, the girls were separated before anything really could happen. Both girls were sent home. The principal was very surprised by Miss Moody's behavior because she never gets in trouble. And she jumped UTBBF after UTBBF pushed her. So that was first thing. I had a hair appointment that I was not going to cancel because my beautician is 8 months pregnant and I was afraid she wouldn't be able to fit me in again and I'm afraid she's going to go early. And I needed a foil, badly. While I'm there, with my head in the shampoo bowl the elementary school is calling, telling me Sonny Boy was in the nurses office. I said I'd be there as soon as I could, I knew it must be bad for him to even go to the nurse. Well, his poison ivy had spread all over his face and around his one eye. Not good.

Tuesday - Miss Moody went back to school with threats of being locked in her room if she didn't stay out of trouble. I took Sonny Boy to the doctor, he was put on steroids to dry up the poison and I had to give him benadryl every 5-6 hours. Which meant there was no way he could go to school because benadryl makes him sleepy.

Wednesday - Sonny Boy stayed home one more day so I could dose him up with the benadryl. The steroids are making him grumpy and very hungry. I swear he's eaten more in the last 2 days than he has since he was a baby. We went and got a new Christmas tree in the late afternoon and it is huge. Or colossal as Girly Girl said, that is one of her spelling words. Anyway, getting the bugger in the house was fun. It took all of us to get it standing up and then it almost fell over. I'll try and take a picture of it once it's decorated but it's so big I don't think a picture will do it justice. Every year it's getting bigger and bigger. I'd like to just go back to a normal size tree, you know a 7-8 footer. This thing measures 13 feet. Miss Moody got a call from a friend telling her that UTBBF had called this friend, stating that if Miss Moody comes to the youth dance on Friday, she was going to jump her big time. Well, Miss Moody is so not going to the dance, I mean she wasn't going after Monday's fiasco. So I decided I needed to call UTBBF's mother and let her know that things were still brewing. Of course UTBBF denies saying that but she wasn't supposed to be on the phone calling anyone anyway. So at least she got busted for that. I know this is just a lot of talk but you know, I'm tired of it. That is exactly why Monday's fight happened. Miss Moody was frustrated and fed up with being threatened every other day so when UTBBF pushed her, she jumped her and that is totally not typical of Miss Moody's character.

Today - All kids are back to school. Thank God. I could not homeschool. School was late though because of fog and it is foggy, thick as pea soup fog. So I finally make into work and I get my email about our cell phone bill, which is something I get every month so I can reveiw. Umm....it was not good. Miss Moody has run it up again, by far the worst ever so she's losing her phone and I don't know if she'll ever get it back. It'll just be a phone to have if she is not going to be home or something. Because I. Am. Done.

I'm not ready for Christmas so I plan doing some serious shopping tomorrow if possible. Saturday Girly Girl has her Christmas dance recital and at some point we have to decorate our enormous tree. Putting lights on that thing should be fun.

I bought one of those cookie spritzers and I can't wait to use it. Yummm. Maybe I can get to that Sunday?

2006-12-07T09:23:00.000-05:00

My son is sick, bad sore throat, headache, body aches. Strep test was negative yesterday but he's worse today. I have a feeling I will be calling my pediatrician tomorrow if he's not better. I just wish she had put him on antibiotics.

Oh well, gone are the days of getting the bumble gum medicine with just a runny nose.

I'm at work but I'm finished up all the necessary things, just waiting for my paycheck and then we're headed home. I think Sonny Boy would be content to stay, he's having fun on the internet with our dsl. He's been all over the NASA sight, reading about the space shuttle launch. At home our dial up is so slow, we can't even get alot of the neat websites.

For today, my emotions are in a better place. A lot of this has to do with hormones, my period has yet to start, I'm about a week or so late (no, I'm not pregnant)but I think I'm about to start though. I don't know why I get such PMS or whatever you want to call it.

So, I will enjoy the days when things are good. I'm trying really hard to not obsess over things. I'm trying to slow myself down, I find that I rush even when I don't need to. Do you ever do that? I'll find myself clenching my teeth and rushing all over the house, folding laundry or cleaning the kitchen when I don't have to even feel rushed or stressed. Basically, I'm trying to be more aware, live more in the moment I guess. I don't know. It's hard to explain.

This weekend we're going to get our Christmas tree. I think it's gonna be a huge one again. I plan on not being so anal about it, letting Girly Girl help me more and not moving the ornaments she places on the tree when she leaves the room. See, I get stressed and weird over stuff like that. And it's so not a big deal. That seems to be one of my biggest problems, making a big deal over nothing so that when the bigger deals do come along, I can't cope because I'm worn out.

I was planning on getting some shopping done tomorrow but I'm not sure whether Sonny Boy will feel well enough to go to school. I'm not going to stress over that either. The shopping will get done, even if it's on Christmas Eve.

My weight loss plans are on hold right now. I've been eating from all my emotions so my plan is to just maintain where I'm at and try to eat normally, when I'm hungry, stop when I'm comfortably satisfied.

I'm just trying to be a little kinder to myself. I feel so deeply that is key for me. But isn't it key for all of us? When you're kinder to yourself, you're kinder to those around you.

2006-12-05T08:00:00.000-05:00

My friend and I have been suckered into being Cookie Moms for our Brownie Troop again this year. At least this year the whole thing doesn't seem so overwhelming. Last night we went to Cookie Training, got all our "stuff" and we'll be getting started right after the holidays.

Kinda wish we had at least 2-3 weeks after Christmas before we had to start selling. But oh well.

We rode to the meeting with our Brownie Leader. She is a lady in her late 60's early 70's who has been a leader forever. She lost her daughter to cancer 2 years ago or so, her daughter was only 34. Her daughter was also her only child. She does have her granddaughters though. But she's never talked about her daughter before and last night on the way home, she was talking about how hard the holidays are.

I can't imagine how she feels. I know how I feel not having Mom here, but I truly cannot imagine losing a child.

It's amazing how the holidays can bring your grief front and center. After it's been a few years after losing someone, your grief isn't so in your face. You never stop missing the person, it's just you get used to it I guess. Not a day goes by that I don't think about my mother but it's different for me now. I think about her not about losing her so much now.

Well, except for lately.

My emotions have been all over the place for like 2 weeks. And I know it's because it's the holiday season. And I'm trying so hard to not focus on all my emotions because they control me enough.

And I know I'm tired and worn down by several situations that have been going on. And I also know that when I'm going through things I miss her more because I would always go to her and talk it through.

I was laying on the sofa around midnight, not being able to sleep (I'm trying not to take my Ambien for a few days) and I was thinking about how worn out I'd been feeling. I was thinking of how I could change things around so I wouldn't feel so burnt. And really, there is nothing I can change because this is life.

I realized that I miss being mothered. I miss having someone look out for me. It's been so long since I've had anyone recognize that I'm burning my candle at both ends and reach out to help me. Just with an understanding ear or an offer to keep the kids for a day so I can chill out or get some shopping done.

I realized how much I keep in because there is no one that I trust enough to really let it all out. Well, I trust JR but things have been a little weird between us for a while and it's nothing that he's done and it's not even him. It's me.

I realized how disappointed and hurt I've been by my mother-in-law's behavior lately. She's right back to her old hateful, hard hearted self. I thought after going through all that she has since September, being given a 2nd chance (because she was given a 2nd chance, that blood clot went to her leg, not her brain like most clots from the heart do) and there is no explanation for that other than God. And for awhile I saw such a big change in her, she was more tender, more forgiving. But now that she's feeling 100%, it's back to the old ways. So I spend a lot of time keeping to myself here at my desk because I'm not going to put myself in the position to have her coming after me next. I hate that. I hate having to always "protect" myself from her wrath.

I realized how hard it's been having Miss Moody change so much lately and not knowing how to deal with it or what to do with her. How in a way it's been like a loss really because our relationship is different now.

I realized how I miss church and I miss that connection with God that I had for years. But I just don't know how I could ever really go back because it's like that is lost to me now. Not that my beliefs have changed, that would never happen. It's just that I don't see how I could have that back, too much time has passed, too much has changed. I do miss it though. I miss being able to really pray and study my bible. I miss going to church and being around others that believe the same as you.

I realized how I've been settling for a friendship that I know isn't one that I can fully trust or be comfortable with just so we do have people to hang around from time to time. How stupid is that? I mean, we have fun together but they aren't people we can really trust so we have to watch what we say because if we don't want it repeated, it better not get said. I also know that if I were to start going back to church and really committing my life again, our "friendship" wouldn't continue.

Basically, this is what was swirling around in my brain late at night, no wonder I couldn't sleep!

Sorry if this makes me sound weird or a bit mental. But I needed to get this out so I could process it and move on. I can do that here since I'm pretty much undercover and maybe there is someone out there that may happen upon this post and will be like wow, I totally get what you're saying.

The rest of you will just think I'm nuts.

2006-12-04T09:12:00.000-05:00

Well, the cold weather has decided to finally arrive here in Maryland. All of last week it was warm enough that you didn't need a jacket, on Thursday and Friday it was in the mid 70's. Then on Saturday it never left the 40's and it's going to stay like this at least for this week.

At least I get to wear my new winter jacket now.

Miss Moody made out fine at the movies on Friday. There were parents there so I felt comfortable with the arrangements. Of course the girls that had been talking smack all week couldn't even look her in the eye which is typical but frustrating. Used To Be Best Friend has tried to get Miss Moody to text with her over the weekend, trying to suck her in, keep the drama going but Miss Moody isn't going there. I think she would if it wasn't for her father and I threatening to take her phone and internet privileges.

I also have a sneaking suspicion that Miss Moody had her first kiss on Friday night. She's been "going out" with this boy for about 2-3 months, he seems very nice, not obsessive, doesn't text inappropriate things and his myspace is fine. But just knowing that she probably kissed him, even once leaves me with this pit in my stomach and makes me want to cry.

We decided to skip the family Christmas party on Sunday, even JR thought it was a good idea with all the drama with his sister. We both felt that it was a good idea to just give it time to blow over.

On Saturday Girly Girl and I went to this paint your own pottery place with my sister. We were there for hours. We made a bowl for my mother-in-law, a picture frame for my brother-in-law and a business card holder for my father-in-law. So that's 3 Christmas presents done, I'll pick them up this Saturday. It was fun, I'll be doing it again.

I baked chocolate chip cookies yesterday. I've had a stomach ache all morning, think it may be from all the dough I consumed?

When will I ever learn?

I'm off to do more online shopping, thank God for amazon.com.

2006-11-30T08:54:00.000-05:00

Things are beginning to really escalate with Miss Moody and "used to be best friend". Since UTBBF cannot call or contact Miss Moody anymore she is now using other people to do her dirty work. Miss Moody has been pretty much threatened by another girl, I'll call her T, that if Miss Moody shows up at the movies tomorrow night, she's gonna get her a-- kicked just cause T doesn't want her there.

Not that Miss Moody was going with T or planned to be around T or UTBBF, she was going with this whole other group which includes a parent.

I'm telling you though that nothing angers me more than having someone, anyone threaten my child. I swear it brings this horrible side out of me. And I know the likelihood of any of these girls so much as touching Miss Moody is very, very slim. I know that.

I hate bullying. I was bullied and I remember how it feels, to always be watching your back. It was very stressful. It changed how I lived, who I was in a way.

It drives me crazy that Miss Moody keeps trying to reason with these girls, she wants them to believe her. She's trying so hard to get something from these girls that they don't want to give her. They are looking for any reason, true or false, to not like her.

I keep telling her that the best "revenge" is moving on, being happy and that it was going to get worse before it gets better. These girls don't want her to move on, to have other friends. That's what really started this whole thing anyway.

So I'm not sure if Miss Moody is going to the movies tomorrow night, I don't know if she feels it's even worth it.

I've told her that this has got to end and it's up to her to do it. She's got to stop talking to them and stop talking about them. Basically, act as though they don't exist. It won't be easy but it's necessary.

I laid down what I wanted her to do and the consequences if she doesn't. I want her to stop and think if they are worth losing privileges, etc.

But I have to be honest, this is driving me crazy. I want to tell her to say all these terrible things to these girls, I want her to punch them in the face. I don't tell her those things though, maybe that's what's driving me crazy?

2006-11-28T09:21:00.000-05:00

Another late start today because of the fog. I got to sleep in this time which is always a good thing.

I'm starting to think about Christmas cookies, I always fix the same ones and granted they are our favorites but I'd like to introduce a couple of new ones, just to shake things up a little. I'd love it if you'd share your favorite cookie recipe, send all your friends this way and we can have a cookie exchange.

Here is one of our favorites:

Peanut Butter Cookies

1 cup sugar
1 cup peanut butter
1 egg

Mix together. Using your hands or a very small ice cream scoop, make around one inch balls out of the dough. You can then roll the balls in sugar or leave them plain before placing them on a cookie sheet. Bake at 350 for 8-10 minutes. Immediately after baking, either place one small unwrapped Reese Cup in each cookie, pushing down just a little or you can just use a fork and press the cookie down, making a criss cross design on the top.

My family loves these, especially my son who doesn't eat a lot of sweets but he does love peanut butter. I always have to triple the recipe.

So come on, pass your recipes along. Yes, that includes you lurkers out there.

2006-11-27T09:26:00.000-05:00

School was late this morning due to a fog delay, I wish I had known sooner I could've slept in a little.

This weekend flew by. I had dinner with my sister on Saturday and my dad and his wife did show up. All in all the evening wasn't so bad, pretty typical really. Dad has a puppy and that's pretty much all that was discussed which meant I was silent most of the time. Which was fine because I never know what to talk with him about anyway. No one brought up Christmas Eve so I have no idea what's going to happen then.

I decorated my house all day on Saturday, once we get our tree, my house will be all ready for Christmas. I've also received my order from amazon, so I'm at least started on my shopping.

Sunday we had friends over to watch the Steelers vs. Ravens game. Not a good game for the Steelers fans in my house but a great one for the Ravens fans. We had fun though.

Miss Moody has some more drama with "used to be best friend". The girl called our house, left a stupid message on the house voice mail, then left 5 consecutive messages on Miss Moody's cell phone. This all happened Sunday morning, Miss Moody wasn't even out of bed yet and it was just so stupid. "Used to be best friend" was accusing Miss Moody of being a drama queen and telling her not to call her anymore, blah, blah, blah. I ended up calling the girl, gave her piece of advice or two and she never called again.

I regret calling the girl now though. Miss Moody is fine with it but really, we should've just ignored her. I just got angry and reacted without thinking first.

I just hope Miss Moody can stay away from her today at school. She needs to learn how to just walk away from this girl because this keeps happening over and over again. But Miss Moody has a hard time turning the other cheek, she sees that as giving in (wonder where she gets that from?) but when you fight and argue with a person like that, you're giving them what they want. If you ignore them then you're taking the power back. This girl is going to be a thorn in her side for a long time I think so she'd better learn now how to deal with her.

Also had some drama regarding my sister-in-law. It's kind of a long story and I honestly don't feel like going through it but it never fails to amaze me how whenever she gets called out on something, she can turn it so that everyone feels sorry for her.

Whatever. Too much darn drama for me.

I'm seriously thinking of going away this weekend. Maybe to PA, stay near the outlets and get some shopping done or to DE and shop at those outlets. I don't know, it would be weird to do that because I've never just taken the kids and gone off for the weekend.

I found out we have a family Christmas party this Sunday and instantly I was thinking about running away. After the crap with my sil, I don't want to have to listen to it anymore right now because she's not going to just let it go. I can only imagine what that party could turn into.

I know I sound like the Scrooge. But I'm really not. Honestly.

2006-11-24T10:26:00.000-05:00

I don't have much to write about. Turkey Day is over, I didn't overeat too much even though I felt extremely full, I think my stomach has shrunk. We were over to my in-laws for about 5 hours which was about 2 hours or so too long. My sister-in-law's children kept crying over every little thing, way too much dramatics for me. My sister-in-law wasn't very sociable which was strange, usually she's got to be the center of all the conversation.

We left there and went to our friend's house where we played Catch Phrase (that's a very cool game), watched Survivor and drank margaritas. Too many margaritas.

So all in all Thanksgiving went well, now I'm ready to start decorating for Christmas. When I go home later I plan on dragging all our stuff down from the attic, turning on some Christmas music and have the kids help me decorate. Girly Girl can't wait.

And I'm not feeling so down. I think being around family yesterday was good for me, I needed that. We also had a great time with our friends, lots of laughter which I needed too. So I'm going to savor these good feelings and enjoy them.

2006-11-22T08:50:00.000-05:00

I'm here at work, in solitude, it's so quiet. It's gloomy outside, very windy, the sky is gray, all the trees have just about lost all their leaves. The temperature has finally gone down to where it should be, though not as cold as it can be this time of year.

My spirit is heavy though. I've been having periods of vertigo since last Thursday, to the point where I am so nauseated that I cannot move. It's an inner ear thing, stemming from almost constant ear infections as a child. I've never been officially diagnosed but I do think I have menere's disease (that might be spelled wrong, I know it's pronounced men-years). So needless to say I haven't felt well for almost a week. I try and ignore it, sometimes I can't. I have been taking benadryl at night, trying to get the fluid in my ears dried up. This usually happens when I've had a head cold and I just had one so it makes sense.

But whenever I go through days of this, where I'm so sick to my stomach that I don't want to move, when the vertigo is so bad that I can't read a book, I think about those who are chronically ill. I know there is an end to this, it might not be today but this won't last forever. I can't imagine being ill and knowing there's no end to it. How do those people keep their spirits up?

I can feel myself sliding back down in that pit again, where I feel like I'm on the outside looking in. I feel different than everyone else. Basically because everyone else seems happy and I'm not. I'm really not. This was just how it was after Mom died. I coudn't stand to be around other people because my sorrow, my grief was too much for them and I could not fake it. I could not fake being happy just so everyone else was comfortable.

It's not that bad now, I just feel like I'm missing a piece of a puzzle or something. What is it that I don't have? Is there something I'm just not getting here? I don't know. Whatever it is, I feel like it's almost within my grasp and then it's gone again and I'm left searching.

I know this is something within me. I don't blame anyone else and I know that there isn't a single person out there that could make this any better for me. This is something I have to figure out on my own.

But God, I am so tired of it.

Maybe that's the key, getting so darn tired of it that you are willing to do whatever it takes to make it. But what does it take?

I'm striving for inner peace, for happiness regardless of my circumstances. I want to feel my emotions and not be overwhelmed by them, consumed by them.

I need to be more thankful, count my blessings more.

I need to relax more, work on being calm in all situations.

I need to learn to be positive, I have a tendency to be negative.

And the thing is, I will keep trying, even though I'm weary. I can't give up.

2006-11-20T08:43:00.000-05:00

Can you believe that Thanksgiving is this Thursday?

Christmas is rapidly on it's way and I am not ready. At all. I've got some things in my Amazon.com shopping cart and I need to place that order today.

I also need to start dragging down my Christmas decorations so I can start decorating this weekend.

This weekend was uneventful which was awesome. I got the house cleaned, laundry caught up, played about 10 games of Mall Madness with Girly Girl, even Sonny Boy had to jump in and play. Miss Moody actually played a couple of games of Hangman with me too, I was surprised when she asked to play.

I need to figure out what I'm taking to Thanksgiving dinner. JR wants me to make Pumpkin Fluff dip but I also want to take a good side dish. I'm going to check out the recipes of weightwatchers.com, see if I can find some good ones that aren't so fattening.

My sister wants us to come over for dinner on Saturday which is fine. But after I agreed to it, I realized Saturday is opening day of shotgun season so I won't be seeing JR and Sonny Boy much. Now I need to tell her we can still do dinner, they will just be late. She won't like it but oh well. It's not like they won't be coming at all.

I guess I'll be seeing my father too, first time in about 4 months. Should be interesting.

Had a good weigh in on Friday. Come visit my weight loss blog and find out the details!

2006-11-16T08:33:00.000-05:00

It is November 16th and 66 degrees out before it's even 8am. Where is the cold weather? Usually it's cold here by now, I remember when we got married (which I forgot to mention was on November 14th) it was so cold, very cold. We stayed in our new house for the first time on our wedding night, so excited to use our whirlpool tub, we couldn't wait. The house was cold because we'd never thought about turning up the heat but no biggie, we'd be warm in the tub. But the water wouldn't heat up, it was frigid. Our water heater had never been turned on so we had no warm water. Talk about a big let down.

We made up for it though the next night *wink*.

Miss Moody was not happy that she still is not allowed on the internet. But she got over it and I think she actually enjoyed having time with us and hanging out with her brother and sister.

We've actually been sitting down and having dinner together at the kitchen table. Not just grabbing whatever and scarfing it down. It's been so nice being home in the evenings, no rushing to practices and this Saturday we have absolutely nothing on our calendar. Nothing. How cool is that?

There is a possibility that Sonny Boy may be playing indoor soccer but it would only be one night a week and no practices. There is also a possibility that Miss Moody may play indoor field hockey which will be at the high school and I don't want to discourage her from playing because she really wants to and I want her to have something else to focus on other than boys and girl drama.

But it won't hurt my feelings if none of the winter sports pans out. All we'll have then is Girly Girl's dance class once a week which I don't mind going to, that's my time to catch up with a couple of friends, I find it relaxing. And Girly Girl has Brownies twice a month but that's not a big deal either.

It's just amazing how much less stressed I feel with not having all the rushing around, with not having the tight schedule every night.

I still can't believe that Thanksgiving is next week, it's one week away! I've started some Christmas shopping online, I plan on making my first order today. I need to get going on that. I am so ready to decorate too. I'm going to start dragging all my stuff down so next week I can start getting things put out.

And my mother-in-law is doing great. She is back in rythym again, which means she won't have to have another cardioversion. Her cardiologist is very pleased and now she doesn't have any procedures looming over her head, she can just enjoy the holidays.

My sister had my dad and his wife over for dinner a couple of weeks ago. We couldn't come because Sonny Boy had his soccer party. Apparently it was a nice visit. And I'm glad that it was. I guess my sister is going to try and keep things going or something. That's her choice and I'm not going to discourage her. But I'm just tired of it all and I'm tired of always feeling rejected. Not that I won't get together with them, I'm just not going to go out of my way to make it happen anymore. The phone works both ways and Dad needs to realize that.

2006-11-15T09:29:00.000-05:00

Miss Moody did have a sinus infection, she was put on Ceftin and is just now better. Girly Girl threw up all over the kitchen Sunday night, it was one of those messes where you really don't know where to begin to clean it up. JR was no help at all, he kept gagging so much that I sent him away, I didn't want to clean up his vomit too.

Monday and yesterday schools were closed for parent/teacher conferences. I had mine on Monday. Girly Girl made honor roll but her teacher is very concerned with how little she participates in class. Apparently she does not raise her hand and gets very upset if she gets called on. She's also getting upset if she finds work difficult, I've noticed that at home as well. I've also noticed that she doesn't even like reading aloud to me and she hates to do it in class. She's a pretty good reader too. Basically she seems to have lost her confidence. She has always been a very confident child, not one to follow the crowd and not one to really get backwards about anything. And after having my conference, I've started realizing the little changes in her, how she hates to be the center of attention. She doesn't mind being the center of attention as long as she's with a group, like with her dance class. But if it's her alone, she balks and gets upset. I've noticed how she doesn't want to be wrong, she's got to be perfect. Maybe she's afraid of getting picked on?

She really reminds me of myself. I used to be very self confident, didn't worry much about others but as I grew older, as I went through getting picked on by other girls, I became more and more insecure. And I'm totally like her now. I don't like for all eyes to be on me, especially in a group of people I don't know. I get very uncomfortable, can feel myself flushing and I get hot.

I feel that I may have to take some responsibility for her need to get things right all the time. I know that as mothers, most of us are quick to feel that when our kids are having self esteem problems, that it is something that we've done or not done as their mom. But I can't help but feel that I have played a part in this. Mainly because I've been so stressed lately, I'm tired by the time the kids get home and we have to do homework. I can be impatient and I just want to get it over with so I can move to the next thing we have to do. In my impatience, I know that I have snapped explanations rather than just taking my time and really helping her get a concept she may be struggling with.

So that has got to change. I don't want her feeling that she has to be perfect, especially for me. I also don't want her feeling that I don't have time for her or that I don't want to help her.

This was just the wake up call I needed to readjust my attitude. I've known deep down that I need to get a grip now it's time to do it.

Sonny Boy is doing pretty good in school. He's passing every class, he has several C's which could be B's if he would just slow down when he's doing his work. But for as long as that boy has been in school, he has rushed to get his work done, he just wants to get it over with. He does not want to take the time to do complete sentences or go back in a story to find the answers for multiple choice questions. But his teacher really likes him and says he is very well behaved and gives her no problems at all. She also remarked on his athletic ability and his love of sports which for him, is most important, not school work.

I have not received Miss Moody's report card yet, I'm wondering what she's going to have. If she gets so-so grades, I'm going to know she's not focusing and or putting forth her best effort because she never gets so-so grades.

And do you know, that her supposed "best friend" is now getting stalked online? This "best friend" has had her myspace page deleted by some mysterious person. This person has now on AIM, contacting all of "best friend's" friends, which includes Miss Moody, trying to get information. Miss Moody was able to find out that this mystery person is "best friend's" ex-boyfriend's mother. Yes, this is a mother, pretending to be one of these kids and she is essentially stalking and threatening "best friend" over a situation with her son. Miss Moody came to me about it and I've taken the internet away while this blows over. She is not very happy about it, but this situation has the potential to involve the police and honestly, I don't want that crazy woman dragging Miss Moody into it. "Best friend's" mother contacted me last night about it, I told her what little we knew and I also told her that Miss Moody was not going to be online until this was resolved, that Miss Moody was not going to try and get "proof" for "best friend" about who this mystery person is. So, I removed the mouse from the computer and hid it so there is no way she can even sneak online when I'm in bed or anything.

And not that I agree with this mother stalking and harassing "best friend" but I do feel it's a bit ironic that this is happening to her after what she did to Miss Moody.

I'm off to work on my weight loss blog. Here's the address if you'd like to stop by and visit-Too Much of TC.

2006-11-09T08:31:00.000-05:00

Still around, Miss Moody is sick so we're off to the doctor this morning. I'm thinking it's a sinus infection.

I'm starting a weight loss blog though I haven't had a chance to even post there yet because I had to leave work early yesterday to pick Miss Moody up from school. Once I get it going I'll pass the name along, right now it's just blank.

Off to finish up payroll and billing so I don't have to come back here later. I have a dentist appointment at 1pm, oh joy.

2006-11-07T09:49:00.000-05:00

Practice was interesting. At least the air has been cleared, not everyone is being completely honest but I think this is as good as is it's gonna be. Miss Moody is ok with it and ready to move on which is most important anyway.

It's amazing though how girls like to divide and conquer. They will get in a group and pick on one lone person. It's also amazing how at this age, individuality is not a virtue, being your own person is a bad thing. For instance, yesterday Miss Moody wore a new outfit to school, a nice jean skirt (that reached just above her knees, thank you) and a hooded sweater with flats. Not dressy, her usual preppy casual but it was a skirt. A group of girls at school all started picking on her for dressing "so girly", laughing and getting in their little group. This particular group of girls are tom boys which is no big deal, but because Miss Moody chooses to dress they way she wants to, she's wrong and therefore should be made fun of.

Miss Moody just kept on walking, didn't even respond. She did admit to wanting to say that she dresses like a girl because she is one and maybe they need to remember they are girls too. But she knew that remark would only add fuel to the fire and she wasn't going to fight over it. She's going to dress the way she wants to.

Girls are vicious and fight way dirtier than boys.

Miss Moody has tournaments this weekend, on the Western Shore and this Eastern Shore girl doesn't travel much on that side of the bridge. Especially on my own and it looks very likely that I'll be making the trek that way. Saturday is youth shot gun day and JR is pretty insistent that he and Sonny Boy are going, even though Sonny Boy could skip it and be fine. He'd rather bow hunt anyway.

And you would think that by now, having been married for almost 14 years (it will officially be 14 on the 14th,btw) that I would be used to this hunting stuff. And really, I thought I was but for some reason this year, JR is getting on my last nerve with it. Maybe because I'm busier this year then ever before, maybe because I've been ill. I don't know. Whatever it is, I'm harboring some resentment right now toward him and it's not good.

I don't like talking about it here because I don't want to portray him as being this selfish jerk because he's not a jerk but he can be selfish, more so this time of year. And he does work hard so he deserves to do things he enjoys. It's just hard because I've always done the majority of everything, carried the most burden when it came to the kids and the house. But I used to be home where I could focus on those things exclusively. Now I'm at work outside of the home for the majority of my day but the same is still expected of me as if I were home exclusively. And now I have the added job of running all 3 kids to sports practices, dance class, Brownies and he goes and sits in a tree.

But ultimately I can only blame myself. I rarely ask for help and the main reason is when I do ask for help, sometimes JR is put out by it, probably because he's not used to me asking and he's used to just doing his own things. So then I get angry and I'm like I'll show you, I don't need you, I can do this myself. And I can so I do and it's this vicious circle.

I think all this pent up emotion is half the reason I've been feeling bad. It's just not healthy to feel like this and hold it in.

I've also got some hard feelings regarding my job which also ties in with a lot of the feelings I've already expressed. I work for my in-laws who have been in business for over 30 years. We are well established in our area and do quite well. My sil worked here for maybe 2-3 years before she had her 1st child and opted to stay home. That is when I started coming in, slowly and I brought Girly Girl with me and Sonny Boy was here half day because he was starting school. I didn't work more then 3 days a week and only in the morning. With time and once all 3 kids were in school full time I increased my hours.

I now work 4 days a week, Fridays off even though I know that my fil would like for me to be here on Fridays too. I come in as soon as I drop the kids to school and now that my mil hasn't been working much I don't leave until it's time to get them off the bus. So, no I don't work 40 hours but close to it.

I don't have a problem with working. My problem has been how the business gives things to my sil, like a brand new black top driveway (to the tune of $11,000.00) and new garage (can't even tell you what that cost) and this comes out of the business. Not from my in-laws pockets. I know this because now I do all the bills, now I have way too much information because before I just assumed that the new stuff came from my in-laws generosity. And this has just bothered me. Not because they want to give her things, but that it comes out of this business that my husband and myself now half run. And if my husband gets something big, like say a pole building, it's part of his bonus which means he essentially worked for it. Which is fine, we both don't mind working for our things. But my sil does nothing regarding the business. Nothing. She gets to stay home with her kids, never run herself ragged and still reap the benefits as if she did work here. And she didn't work here that long before, I've been here almost 6 years.

I don't know. Now that I've typed this, I sound amazingly selfish but I'm not selfish. I give a lot to everyone around me, put everyone else first 99.9% of the time. I run this office by myself a lot now and I do all the bills which means I'm responsible for this business getting paid by our customers. But I don't reap the benefits that my sil does by any means and I have to work almost everyday.

I'm not going to go any further with this because I think you get the picture. And now that I've reread this, I've realized how resentful I've been feeling, to me it just jumps from the page. The most frustrating thing for me is that there is absolutely nothing I can with that situation until we are running this business on our own, when we buy my fil out and then we'll have the entire say on what happens here.

This is just one of those situations that's just not fair and I've got to just deal with it.

2006-11-06T08:46:00.000-05:00

It's been quite a weekend. I'll start with the good news first, actually it's great news. My son's soccer team won the 9/10 division soccer tournament on Saturday! Those kids were so excited, I thought our coach was going to cry, it was great. Our soccer league covers are our entire county which adds up to it being broken down into 3 different towns, each is broken down into age groups. Normally the biggest of these towns takes everything because they have like 5-6 teams per age group to our 1 or 2. This big town has a tendency to look down on our little town, calling us north county hicks and such. The comments can be pretty harsh but all it does is add to our kids resolve. We had to play 3 games, almost back to back, each team from the "big town" and we won every, single game. I am so proud of that team and it does feel good to know that our little town brought home a championship this year.

On to the bad news.

Miss Moody became the victim of internet bullying starting on Friday which escalated into receiving threats on her cell phone by text message and voice mail. This came out of nowhere and was done by 3 girls Miss Moody considered very good friends, one almost like a best friend. We still don't know why they did what they did but that's really not even the point.

At first they just messed up her myspace page, I didn't like what they did but I was letting Miss Moody handle that. I helped her change all her passwords so they couldn't continue to put the bad things on there. And it was very bad things.

All 3 of these girls are on her field hockey team, one is the assistant coach's daughter. It was all I could do not to say something to those girls but Miss Moody asked me not to so I didn't.

But come Saturday night I wished that I had.

Saturday night we took Sonny Boy out for a celebration dinner but Miss Moody opted to stay home and continue to fix her myspace page. We weren't going to be gone long so it was no big deal. Just as we were finishing dinner, she called my cell, very upset because these 3 girls were calling her, threatening her. When I got home I read the text messages and then listened to the voicemail, I was livid. I was so angry I was shaking.

I turned right around and called the one mom that I know pretty well, the mother of the supposed "best friend". I told her what was going on, I told her that I would forward the texts to her if she would like to read them. She was very upset and thanked me for letting her know. She then made all 3 girls get off the internet and took away her daughter's phone.

I called the assistant coach and left her a message and I have not heard back from her. She seems like a very nice person so she either has not checked her messages or her daughter erased it otherwise I know she would've called me back. I wanted to speak with her before practice tonight because one of the issues is Miss Moody being threatened that they were going to "beat her face in" at practice.

Now I know they won't touch her, 99% of the time it's all talk but these girls need to learn that you don't threaten people like that and think you're going to get away with it.

Unfortunately, the 3rd girl I don't know and I've never, ever seen a parent at any practice or game so there's not much I can do there.

But I know all 3 know that I know and they know I've already busted one of them to her mother and trying to contact another.

This is the first time I've ever had to step in like this. Normally, I let Miss Moody deal with all the girl drama on her own because it's usually just words which is bad enough. But when your kids is getting threatened with physical violence, it's time to step in.

So practice should be interesting.

And so called "best friend" was trying to kiss and make up last night with Miss Moody because she knows that Miss Moody is the only one that likes her in school. I just pray that Miss Moody won't get sucked in by her even though I told her she is no longer allowed to go to her house and she's not coming to ours. I'm all for forgiveness but just because you forgive someone doesn't mean you have to hang out with them anymore.

I'm feeling much better now. I had to quit taking my antiobiotic, it was making me sick to my stomach so I won't be taking that again. I'm not so tired anymore and I feel like all I do is sleep but I think my body needs it.

Now I need to work on managing stress. I'm at a loss with that one though. Any ideas?

2006-11-02T08:35:00.000-05:00

I'm back to work, wish I was back home, curled up in my bed with the covers over my head. But I've been doing that for days, I guess it's time for me to get out in the world again.

I spent the weekend feeling horrible, so bad that I didn't even go to Miss Moody's games Saturday night and I never do that. But I just couldn't physically do it and I spent the whole evening weepy and feeling sorry for myself. Sunday I slept between loads of laundry.

I went to the doctor Monday morning, I was running a fever so I'm on antibiotics for a sinus infection. I had bloodwork done for my thyroid test, found out I gained two pounds and my blood pressure was borderline high. I've never, ever had problems with my blood pressure, even when I was extremely heavy. I'm not sure what is going on but I think this is my body's way of getting attention. My doctor talked about the importance of sleep, how our bodies need that more than we think. So I guess it's no wonder that my body is having problems, it never gets proper rest. I'm still waiting on the results for my thyroid test, that could also be why my blood pressure is a bit high.

I think I've just been too stressedfor too long. And let's face it, stress is a part of life so I need to learn to deal with it. I need to learn to let certain things go, prioritize and find ways to handle the stress.

I've been harboring some hard feelings toward some of my family and I know that can make a person feel bad. It's hard to let those feelings go though, especially when it is something that directly involves you and is very real, not just some figment of my own imagination. But as I've learned, life isn't always fair and I need to learn to let go of what is beyond my control.

It's just hard because I want it all to be in my control!!!! That is why I don't handle stress.

I'm also having to learn and deal with being a mother of a moody teenager. Since she is my first, I don't have any idea of what to do, how to handle her. She has hurt my feelings, she pushes me away but gets upset if I leave her be, she doesn't want me around her friends, I guess I am an embarassment now, she accuses me of harping. So I'm slowly learning to pick my battles with her, it's just some times I feel like I'm running in circles.

I'm trying to ease up and just enjoy the little things. Tuesday I went to the Herr's Potato Chip Factory which is only about an hour from here and a nice day trip. The only downside is we went by school bus so I was good and car sick when we returned. I was queasy but I didn't let that keep from going with the kids trick or treating. The best part of the whole evening was watching Sonny Boy and Girly Girl eating Sweet Tarts Shockers, they were so sour, I don't think their lips unpuckered for an hour.

Yesterday I stayed home for one more day, I got some things done around the house, enjoyed the peace and quiet. It was invigorating, I need to do that more often, maybe once a month take a day off and stay home. I realized how much I miss being home.

Sports are coming to an end this weekend. Soccer was rescheduled for this Saturday and Sonny Boy's team has a good chance of winning the tournament, they are already in 2nd place for the 9/10 division and that's out of over 20 teams. The only downside is it's only supposed to be 49 degrees and I hate being cold for too long. I guess I'd better dress in layers.

So, that's what's been going on in my world. Now it's time for me to choke down my antibiotic, I'm nauseated as it is and that is not helping.

2006-10-26T07:13:00.000-05:00

The situation with Miss Moody is under control and not as bad as I was thinking. She doesn't have her cell phone and the rules are in place and she knows the consequences if she doesn't follow the rules. It's up to her to do what she needs to do and it's up to us to follow through if she doesn't.

I've made a doctor's appointment for Monday. If my symptoms aren't thyroid related then I'm losing it. I think that is half the reason I wait so long to go to the doctor because I am afraid that nothing is wrong, that it's all in my head. Granted that has never been the case for me, something is usually wrong if I'm in the doctor's office. I know it's silly but it's my reality.

My house is a total wreck. The floors need to be vacuumed (why does that word look funny?), the bathrooms need to be scrubbed. I am slowly working my way through laundry. I've decided that as much as it bothers me that right now I can't do it all so I'll do what I can and the rest will have to just wait. Miss Moody is on kitchen duty right now so that's a help.

I left work yesterday exhausted and sick to my stomach. My body has been aching, like when you have the flu. I was miserable. I laid down as soon as I got home and slept until the kids got home. I've been having to lay down at least for 15 minutes every afternoon because if I don't, I'm so tired that my body aches even more. And let's face it, how can I run the kids here and there if I'm feeling that bad.

Next Tuesday, Girly Girl has a field trip to the Herr's Potato Chip Factory in PA. I signed up as a chaperone and if I don't go, she will be so disappointed. I doubt JR can get off work because his dad will be taking his mom back to the cardiologist that day. So I'm going to relax as much as I can this weekend and pray that I feel better.

I'm going to ask for a prescription for Ambien or Lunesta, some sleeping pill anyway. I don't sleep well which makes me tired all day and if I could just take a pill twice a week or so to get at least 2 nights of solid sleep, I know that would help. And if my thyroid levels are off like I suspect, once they are better, my sleep should improve somewhat.

Saturday is soccer tournaments and then this year's soccer season is over, hurray! But they are calling for rain which would cancel everything and I don't know whether tournaments would be rescheduled, I would think they would be. As much as I'd love to lay around on Saturday, I'd really like for soccer to be over this week. Then we'll have 2 more weeks of field hockey and then all fall sports will be over. Finally.

I realized yesterday that Christmas is 2 months away, 2 months! And I am so not in the Christmas frame of mind. I guess I need to start making a list. I definetely plan on doing as much as I can online, that made life so much easier last year.

Did I mention my sister ran into our father last week? In the grocery store parking lot. She said he was full of excuses as to why he hadn't been returning her phone calls. I don't even know why she even bothered confronting him about it. The way I see it, if he wanted to call her back, he would've. Personally, I think it's time we stop hitting our heads against the same brick wall which is what I'm doing. I guess she'll have to come to that decision on her own.

2006-10-25T06:57:00.000-05:00

I went to the cardiologist with my mother-in-law yesterday. Unfortunately, she is back in a-fib again. So she's starting a new medication and will have her 3rd and probably last cardioversion in 3 weeks. It seems that surgery is in her future at some point, it's just a matter of she can get back in rythym and how long she stays there.

Having some problems with Miss Moody, again. It looks like it's time for her to get her first, serious punishment which means she will only be going to school and sports. As a matter of fact, I'm seriously considering keeping her from field hocky practice tonight to prove a point. I have misgivings about that because I'm pretty anal about the kids going to practice. But to Miss Moody, practice is just another social hour so if I keep her home, remove the keyboard from the computer, hide her cell phone (which she's not supposed to have since I took it from her, again but I think she's been sneaking it at night after I go to bed, just found that out this morning), I think she will get the point.

The worst thing about punishing your kids is most of the time you're punishing yourself! She's going to be miserable and hateful which will make home such a lovely place to be. But you know, she's got to learn about consequences somewhow.

I really need for JR to step up and do some of the punishing too. It's just that I'll have to deal with all this when she gets home from school and he doesn't get home until hours later. Do I just send her to her room and tell her she's in trouble and she'll find out why when her father gets home?

I hate to say this but there are times that I feel like a single parent, this is one of those times. I'm always in charge of the discipline. If he does decide to discipline, I'm the one that ends up having to stand firm with the punishment therefore I'm the one getting all the attitude.

I swear, a weekend away by myself when sports are done and overwith sounds heavenly right now. I've never, ever done that. Maybe it's time I did.

Do you think I should keep her home from practice?

2006-10-23T07:10:00.000-05:00

Is it Monday already?

I'm sitting here, putting off paying my bills. I hate watching our balance dwindle to nothing but what can I do about it?

I've got some stuff going on with me, not sure if I'm just having a bad week but I'm waiting to see if I get in a better frame of mind. If not I'm going to go to the doctor, have my thyroid levels checked again. I don't know.

I do know that something is just not right.

I'm going to try and make myself walk this afternoon. Even though I don't like to exercise, I know when I do, I feel better physically and emotionally.

And I need to do something because feeling like this stinks.

2006-10-19T07:53:00.000-05:00

Ugh. I've got a stiff neck, I'm getting a head cold again and Sonny Boy is sick. I think he may have croup, he came home from school yesterday feeling bad enough that he just laid around and didn't want to go to soccer practice. And let me tell you, that never happens.

I'm achy feeling and dreading the thought of sitting in the pediatrician's this morning. But I can't complain, I'm not in there like I used to be.

Have a great weekend.

2006-10-18T09:37:00.000-05:00

I got nothin' today. But wanted to stop in.

My mother-in-law is struggling a bit right now, feeling very down and depressed. I'm hoping she will come into work tomorrow, even for only an hour, just to get out of the house. I was planning on taking the kids over on Friday but I found out this morning that my sister-in-law plans to bring her kids over too and that will be just too much ruckus. I guess I'll just bow out and take the kids over on Saturday or Sunday. I just really need to take Miss Moody to see her grandmother, out of all the grandchildren she's the most worried. But it feels like my sister-in-law just monopolizes all the free time.

I don't know, it's just irritating.

2006-10-17T07:06:00.000-05:00

My mother-in-law made out well through her cardioversion, now it's just a waiting game to see if she stays in rythym which hopefully she will. Thank you for your prayers.

I have a serious case of the blues and I hate it. It's all hormonal, some months I'm like this some months it's no big deal, why is that? I'm exhausted which doesn't help. I didn't even have the kids do their homework before I took Miss Moody to field hockey practice, normally we have homework done by 4:30pm. I just didn't feel like doing it when they got home so that meant we had to do it at 7pm which was even worse because by then the kids were getting tired, I should've just done it like we always do. But the upside to it was JR was home and he actually helped a little and he fixed dinner which was awesome.

The kids have a half day of school tomorrow and then they are off Thursday and Friday. I so wish we could go away somewhere for a long weekend but if we did that, they would miss their games on Saturday and I feel bad if we don't go. And I don't have any idea what we'd do anyway.

I do have a nail appointment this afternoon which I always enjoy, it's the one thing I do to pamper myself. And it's supposed to rain which means soccer practice should be cancelled tonight and if so, I'm headed to Michael's or A.C. Moore to get some things I need to start a cross stitch project.

I had the weirdest thing happen to me here at work yesterday. My desk is in the front part of the office so I'm the first person people see. Our front door area is pretty much like a big window so I can see perfectly out into our parking lot and the Royal Farms parking lot. So I'm sitting here at my desk and this white car pulls up near the pay phone which is in the Royal Farms lot and right next to ours. No big deal, people do that all the time. Then this guy rolls down his window and out pops a camera which he points directly at our front doors. We have a small brick porch like area out our front doors so I kind of sat back in my chair, putting the porch post in his and my line of vision. I couldn't see him, he couldn't see me. So then he pulls up even closer to our office and starts taking pictures. Of me or the inside of our office or something. I don't know but it really felt like he was taking pictures of me, the camera seemed pointed right at me. Just as I decide to go out to him, he leaves. He was a white man, in his late 40's early 50's. I've never seen him before.

I asked JR if he was having me followed, lol. But it is a little creepy.

JR is in the office with me today and I'm so hoping the guy will come back or something but I doubt he will.

Today I'm hoping for rain and for my hormones to settle down. What are you hoping for today?

2006-10-16T07:30:00.000-05:00

I'm a bit down in the dumps today. No particular reason, I think it's just hormones.

Some of it is the fast approaching holiday season. I'm looking forward to it, more so with each year but I still miss my mother. I'm looking forward to decorating the house and enjoying the kids excitement. I'm not dreading the holidays like I did there for awhile. But I still get sad I guess. I just have this hole in my life and there are certain times/events that just bring that hole more into focus. Does that make sense? And this year, with my father avoiding me and with my decision to just let it be, just makes me miss Mom more. It is painful to know that your one living parent could care less about spending time with you. But it is what it is and I'm just not willing to keep trying anymore.

And it's hard knowing how Mom's death affected Miss Moody and knowing that she misses her too. Miss Moody was the apple of my mother's eye, not that she didn't love my other two because she did. It's just that Mom was sick for most of Sonny Boy's and Girly Girl's lives, with Miss Moody she was healthy and just couldn't get enough of her.

I miss watching my mom with my kids more than anything else.

I can't wallow in this though because no good will come of it. I just give myself a day or two to feel this way, shed some tears and then I have to pull myself up by my boot straps and get on with it.

But today is just a day I'm letting myself just feel it.

And now deer hunting is well underway. The weather is changing, becoming cooler which means JR will be spending a lot of time in a tree. It's not that I don't want him to go, it just gets on my nerves. But really, it's not a bad thing when I'm feeling like this for him to be gone a little.

I haven't heard how my mother-in-law has made out this morning. She had to be to Washington Hospital by 6am but I'm not sure what time her cardioversion was being done.

I'm considering starting a cross stitch project. I haven't done one in years, I'm thinking it may be good for me to do something like that, work with my hands, do something crafty.

Now you know what's going on in my head today. Tell me what's going on in yours.

2006-10-12T11:22:00.000-05:00

Awesome Slow Cooker Pot Roast

2 cans cream of mushroom soup

1 (1 oz) package dry onion soup mix

1 1/4 cups water

5 1/2 pound pot roast

Mix cream of mushroom soup, dry onion soup mix and water together. Place pot roast in slow cooker and coat with soup mixture.

Cook on high for 3-4 hours or low for 8-9 hours.

I always cook mine on low and it's literally falling apart. The soups make a gravy too which is great over mashed potatoes.

I got this recipe off All Recipes.

For more great recipes, visit Sandra's Blog.

2006-10-12T09:37:00.000-05:00

Is blogger being a booger for anyone else? I couldn't even get in here to post until now and I can't upload images. Grrr....I guess I shouldn't complain, it's free, right?

I haven't had a chance to share about how my mother-in-law is doing. She went to see a new cardiologist on Tuesday at a much bigger hospital about an hour from here and he was wonderful. We were with him for over an hour and he took his time explaining exactly what atrial fibrillation is and all the complications that come with it. He didn't mince words and really put it out there which is what my father-in-law needed. He told her that she is a very lucky woman, that usually blood clots from the heart go to the brain and if it had, she wouldn't have survived it. There is no explanation for why it went to her leg, it's just one of those God things.

So, she's still not feeling well because she's been back in a-fib for almost a month and she's in a-fib all the time because her body is unable to bring her out of it. The plan is for her to have another cardioversion done by her new cardiologist and she's going to travel to even bigger hospital in Washington, D.C. That's quite a hike but she is very comfortable with this doctor and willing to travel.

The cardioversion is set for Monday morning and hopefully now that she's been on an anti-rythmic drug for almost a month, once she converts she'll stay that way. I'd appreciate her being kept in your prayers.

I'm hoping to post a slow cooker recipe for today for Slow Cooking Thursday but I'm going to wait and see if I can post the image, if not I'll post without it.

And of course, you know I won't be around until Monday. I know I don't have many readers because I don't post everyday but when I'm home, it's just not good for me to be online, too much to do I guess.

2006-10-11T07:26:00.000-05:00

Works For Me: Sports Basket

If you've ever read any of my blog you know that all three of my children are involved in sports and with that comes all the uniforms and gear times three. Right now we're in the middle of soccer and field hockey so I have filled a large basket with shin guards, socks, old uniform shirts and socks for practices. This way everything the kids need are in one central location so when we're in a hurry to get ready for practice, everyone knows where to go.

I don't put their game uniforms in the basket just because I don't want them getting wrinkled, I'm funny that way. But once this season is over, those uniforms will get added.

I also use this same idea during the summer for bathing suits and beach towels.

For more great tips, visit Shannon's Blog.

2006-10-09T07:23:00.000-05:00

I had a very uneventful weekend. Saturday all sports were cancelled due to the weather, we had a ton of rain and wind so the fields were soaked. It was strange to not be on the go but it was well needed.

Sunday I had my in-laws over for dinner and it was nice. I don't do that often enough and I do enjoy having people over. I guess I just get caught up in the rat race and never make the time.

I was crafty on Sunday too and made myself an autumn wreath for my door. I spent a total of $11 on the whole thing, Michael's was having a great sale on all their fall decorating items. I really enjoyed making the wreath and I plan on making my own for Christmas as well as making some ornaments. I've always enjoyed making crafts, just another thing that I don't take the time to do anymore.

Why is it so easy to get caught up in the busyness of life and never take time to do things you enjoy? If you take time to do things you love, it makes you happy which means the rest of your time will go smoother. But like most women, I put everyone else's needs before my own and when I finally do have some time for myself I'm too darned tired to do much. I find myself sitting in front of the tv too much.

So I'm asking you, what things do you enjoy doing on your own time?

2006-10-05T10:37:00.000-05:00

Chicken with Gravy

1 bag frozen chicken breasts or tenders (I used 4-5 fresh chicken breasts)

1 can cream of mushroom soup

1 can cream of celery soup

1 can cream of chicken soup

Put chicken in crock pot, mix together soups and pour over chicken. Cook on low 6-8 hours or so.

This will make a gravy that is great over rice or mashed potatoes.

And I used 1 can cream of celery and 2 cans cream of chicken because my hubby and kids hate mushrooms. I also seasoned the chicken.

Credit for this recipe goes to my friend Lisa.

For more great recipes, visit Sandra's Blog.

2006-10-05T08:22:00.000-05:00

I don't know sometimes what my husband would do without me. He is such a trusting soul, something that I envy at times but there are certain situations where my untrusting ways come in handy.

For example, my husband sold his 75 Blazer last night. No big deal, right? Well, it would've been no big deal if he hadn't let the woman take it with our tags still on it which means if she had been in an accident it's still titled, tagged and insured under our names.

This whole deal went down while I was at field hockey practice. My cousin knew the woman and knows my husband very well so it was all cool. He called and told me that she bought it, gave him a check (I would've asked for cash), my cousin reassuring him all the while that she was good for the money. She wanted to keep the tags and have them transferred to her name. We kept the title until I could make sure the check would clear.

I didn't know until this morning that she took the truck with the tags. I lost my mind, I really did. I am thankful he didn't tell me last night because I wouldn't have slept a wink. He tossed and turned all night though, now I know why.

Here in the state of Maryland you cannot get tags for your vehicle without proof of insurance and you can't cancel your insurance until the tags are turned into the MVA. So basically if she's driving it with our tags, gets in an accident we can be held liable.

Not good.

And to add insult to injury, my husband didn't even know her name. The check she gave was from her dad's business, signed by her father.

So he basically he let a woman he did not know by name or otherwise take his truck with our tags and without really being paid for the truck either because people write bad checks all the time.

I was at the bank when the doors opened, verified there were funds in the account (which there were) and deposited the check in our savings. My husband called my cousin to get this woman's name and number and he told her that he needed to have the tags. So she's dropping them off to me here at work and I then will give her the title.

My husband was like Jack (my cousin) said she's good for the money and all. And I was like, JR, I don't trust most people that I do know let alone someone I don't know.

I told JR to just put it all off on me, I don't care of my cousin or that woman think I'm a huzzy. If protecting what is mine makes me a huzzy, then so be it.

2006-10-04T07:00:00.000-05:00

Works For Me: School Lunch Shelf

I have two children that like to pack lunch more than they buy which is fine but it can be a challenge sometimes to keep all three from raiding the food that is for those lunches.

So I instituted the school lunch shelf. Half of my laundry room is wire shelving which I use as a pantry. I designated one shelf for the snacks and drinks I need to pack lunch. The kids know they are not to use that food for any snack attacks. I've even put my husband's and my lunch items there because it has worked so well.

I choose to pack lunches in the morning just because I like a fresher sandwich so I line up lunch boxes on the counter. I grab everything I need off the lunch shelf and fill the lunch boxes, kind of like an assembly line. Then I make sandwiches, put them in, add the ice packs and we're done and ready to go.

For more great ideas, visit Shannon's blog.

2006-10-02T07:57:00.000-05:00

I have nothing good to blog. This weekend was uneventful which is a good thing. I did have a houseful of boys Friday afternoon until Saturday afternoon but they were so good and no trouble at all. I do enjoy my son's friends, they may be loud but you never really know what will come out of their mouths or what they will get into. 6:45 Saturday morning they were out on the trampoline and it was cold, like around 45 degrees and they decided to take their shirts off. Talk about a bunch of cold little boys.

I'm still fighting a cold and I'm tired. I so wanted to stay in bed today.

I did clean out my upstairs hall closet yesterday. I now have about 10 bags of blankets, sheets and clothes to take to Goodwill which I think I will do tomorrow unless I get early enough to do it today. Now I need to conquer Girly Girl's room, I was going to have her help but I think I will do it when she's in school. She does not like to let go of anything, I swear she will be one of those people you see on tv that hoards everything, lol.

I think everyone has a tendency to hoard, I know I do that's why there is so much clutter. But some things you do want to keep and it's a matter of keeping it stored in an organized way.

I need to start thinking about Christmas gifts, ugh. I did most of shopping last year online and that made my life so much easier. I plan on doing the same this year.

I have found this new coffee by Folgers for people with sensitive stomachs. I am so happy because I love coffee but I quit drinking it because it would upset my stomach. But this coffee really doesn't.

So tell me what's going on with you.

2006-09-28T07:35:00.000-05:00

I realized last night that the month of September is nearly over which means the holidays are fast approaching. I look forward to cooler weather, the colors that come with autumn, eating way too much on Thanksgiving and my children's excitement as Christmas draws near.

But the one thing I'm not looking forward to regarding the holidays is the situation with my father.

You know that he's been absent most of my life, coming around when it's good for him or when his wife lets him. I've never known anything different, it's always been this way. I had to come to a place of acceptance with all of it because it is what it is.

I'd be a liar if I didn't admit that it does frustrate me. As I've grown older and made a life for myself that is full of people that want to spend time with me and my kids, the less I feel like making Dad spend time with us.

If my sister or I do not call and make plans with him, we don't see him. I'm not exaggerating, that is the total truth. If we don't make the effort, we would probably go years and not see him even though he lives 15 minutes from me. He makes no effort to see the kids or come to any of their sporting events or dance recitals. He never calls or comes by on any of our birthdays. Miss Moody's birthday was on the 9th, no card, nothing.

My sister has had a couple of dinners at her home, she called Dad, left a message on his machine and never heard back from him. He didn't show up at either dinner.

I saw him last week as we were entering the park to go to soccer practice. He was standing outside of the deli that is next to the entrance so I know he is alive and well. He didn't even come into the park to say hello.

I feel as though he is avoiding us. Maybe because of that lawyer calling me looking for him, maybe he thinks I'm going to confront him about it or something. Not that I would. I don't want to know anything, it's none of my business. But he is the type to just run and hide from this kind of thing rather then just facing something uncomfortable head on and getting it over with.

Either way, I'm tired of all this. I'm tired of having to be the one who always reaches out. I mean, how many more times can I put myself out there, you know? I'm tired of feeling like I make him spend time with me, it's always been that way and I'm sick of it. I don't need that anymore.

I wish him well, I don't hate him, he is who he is and that's all good. So I've decided that this holiday season I'm not calling him to get together, if he wants to see us he can pick up the phone. I'm going to enjoy my children and spend time with my family that wants us around.

What would you do?

2006-09-26T06:58:00.000-05:00

I think I may be coming down with a cold or it's allergies-not that I have allergies but they are cutting the corn in all the fields that surround my house so there's a lot in the air right now. My throat is a little sore and I'm tired. I've been so tired the last few days, by 9pm I'm toast and I'm falling asleep on the sofa.

Maybe last week took more of a toll on me than I thought. If I run myself too hard, I'll start with cold like symptoms. I'm seldom home anymore and that wears me down. But I don't see my life slowing down any until November when fall sports are over and thankfully it doesn't look like anyone will be participating in winter sports. Sonny Boy wanted to play indoor lacrosse but it's not being offered this year and Miss Moody wanted to play indoor field hockey and it's not being offered either. Maybe this is God's way of giving me a few months off before spring sports? Either way, I'm grateful for the break.

I know I mentioned the other day that I was having a situation with Miss Moody. I've needed a few days to muddle through it and take care of it and I'm pretty confident that I have. Basically I found out Miss Moody was IM'ing with a boy that is around the age of 17. She's been getting on AIM at home to chat with her friends and I was ok with that. But then I was going over the text messages on her phone and noticed there was someone on there I did not know so I confronted her about it. I was horrified to find out that she had told this boy her entire name even though she did not know his and he also lives in the same county as we do so it will be easy enough for him to find out where we live. I have drilled into her head the dangers of the internet and the sickos that are out there and she didn't listen. She was very angry that I checked her messages even though I've told her from the get go that I would be from time to time. If I don't check up, I have no idea who she's talking to because kids these days don't ever call your home phone anymore. And let's face it, if I hadn't checked I would never have known about this boy.

Now, it's not like she was "going out" with him or anything but he did text some things I wasn't comfortable with and he's too old for her to be talking to anyway. Period. End of discussion. She was so angry though, she says she has no privacy. I agreed with her and told her that if she wouldn't do stuff like this I wouldn't have to be over her shoulder keeping her straight.

Sometimes I feel like I have to save her from herself.

I try not to be too strict because that can backfire on you. I refuse to be too lenient because that can backfire as well. I try to find that middle ground, compromise on some things but certain things are non-negotiable. I think she may compare her life to her friend who has a mother that just lets her be. I can't/won't be that kind of mother and I told her that. I also told her that she could be angry but she'd either get over it or be angry until she's old enough to leave home. I mean, I'm not going to cater to her just so she's not angry with me. I'm not here to be her friend right now, she's going to get angry, she's not going to like some of my decisions. I'm so tired of these moms that are too busy being their children's friends and not being their parent.

I've got everything under control but you know, this really exhausts me. Maybe that's why some parents just stay out of it, it's easier that way I guess.

2006-09-25T09:08:00.000-05:00

My mother-in-law came home on Friday and she's doing great. I just came from visiting her this morning. She's stronger and her color is good. Tomorrow she has an appointment with her primary physician who is monitoring her coumadin levels and such. Her doctor is going to also help her find another cardiologist, just so she can at least get a second opinion on things.

I appreciate your prayers through this.

This weekend went by so fast. It was one of those weekends where I don't feel like I got anything accomplished and I didn't even get to relax-now it's Monday and it's full tilt for the week.

I'm off to pay bills which includes property taxes. Ugh.

2006-09-21T10:22:00.000-05:00

My mother-in-law is still in the hospital but doing much better. Technically, she's well enough to come home but they have just started her on coumadin and I think they want her to stay so they can keep a close watch on her levels. She's also still in a-fib and we're hoping once she's home, maybe she will convert back on her own. It's doubtful though which means she will have to have another cardioversion but that won't be for another 2-3 weeks at least, she needs to get stronger.

The other problem we have is the cardiologist says that this blood clot was a result from a piece of plaque breaking away which would indicate that she had pre-existing artery disease which she has never been diagnosed with. She's had vascular scans of the ateries in her neck and they were fine but she didn't have anything done with her legs or anything. The surgeon believes this clot is a direct result of her a-fib and having the cardioversion, he has told her that her arteries look great. He had her have a full body scan so he would know. So basically we have two doctors contradicting each other.

My mother-in-law is considering getting a second opinion from another cardiologist which I am going to really urge her to do. We are very lucky to live near some of the country's top hospitals so it won't be a problem to get her to one.

My father-in-law is very anxious to get her home. He looks tired and he's very stressed. The main thing everyone needs to keep in mind is that when she comes home she has to stay down for awhile. That means no cooking meals, cleaning her house, standing up for too long or picking up children. I'm going to load her up with books so she can pass the time on the sofa.

I'm holding up though, honestly, this hasn't been hard on me at all. I am thankful that I went through this kind of thing with my mom because it's made it easier for me to handle. I've just tried to take care of things so that everyone can visit with her and so she won't be worried. My sister-in-law hasn't done so well, she couldn't come visit on Tuesday because she felt ill and it's just from the stress. And it is hard. JR has been this bundle of nerves, all jammed up and tight. It'll get better once she's home.

I'm in a situation with Miss Moody, one of those situations where I'm having to make decisions she doesn't like in order to keep her safe. It's not that bad but I really don't feel like going into it right now. I just need to deal with it before I can share.

Please keep us in your prayers.

2006-09-20T09:25:00.000-05:00

Works For Me: Travel Snack Bag

This is the first time I'm participating in this but I absolutely love reading all the neat things people come up with.

I have been on a quest to save money and not spend impulsively. One thing I have implemented is the travel snack bag. I have a tote bag that I keep packed with snacks, bottle water and capri-suns. I keep it in my van and make sure it's filled daily. We are on the run 5 days out of the week and this has saved me at least $20-$30 weekly.

For more great ideas, visit Shannon's Blog.

2006-09-19T07:00:00.000-05:00

My mother-in-law is still in CCU but we're hoping she will be moved out of there this morning. She had the catheter removed from her leg late yesterday afternoon and now we're just waiting to see if she's not bleeding too much from that area since she'd been on Heparin for several days. Unfortunately she's back into a-fib again which means she may have to have another cardioversion before she leaves the hospital. And on top of everything else, she has shingles, apparently from all the stress her body has been under. She's really going through it and I'd appreciate her being kept in your prayers.

My husband is dealing with this pretty well. He's complaining of his muscles feeling so tight and it's just because of all the tension he's been feeling. My father-in-law is handling this good though I can see it draining on him. He told me yesterday that he didn't know how I did it with my mother through all that time because just four days of all this was so hard. And it is hard, very hard but you do it because you have to.

I'm trying to be as supportive as possible, trying to run the office and take whatever burdens I can off of them so they can be there for her. That's very important to me, I want to make this as easy for them as I can.

I guess this is one of those situations where I can use all that I went through with my mom and help others. I mean, I have felt for a long time that there had to be something good to come out of losing my mother, that I couldn't go through all that and not learn from it and then help someone else. I don't know, if I can't help someone else, then everything with my mom was kind of meaningless. Does that make sense?

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

2006-09-18T07:01:00.000-05:00

My mother-in-law is in the hospital. She had a blood clot go to her leg on Friday, she's in CCU, things are better but it's been a little touch and go over the weekend.

She's going to have some permanent damage to her foot but it won't be too bad, just numbness and tingling.

Thank God the clot didn't go up, this would have been a much different situation.

Please keep her in your prayers.

2006-09-14T07:01:00.000-05:00

Well, the rain I was so hoping for did not come until late last night so it's gloomy and nasty this morning. Sonny Boy had his game, they won 3-1. Tonight Girly Girl has a game but it will be cancelled, it's supposed to rain all day. If it does get cancelled she will be going back to dance class and she'll be so happy to not have to miss it. Miss Moody found out last night that she will be having another practice Friday night to get ready for their first game Saturday. Needless to say Miss Moody is less than enthused about having practice on Friday because there is a youth dance and practice is going to make her late. But she's going to practice anyway. I am big on the kids attending practice unless they are sick, injured or have other commitments like dance class, Brownie meeting. I have them go to practice for as long as they can and then we'll leave for those commitments or we'll do one week practice, next week dance. A youth dance however, does not get you out of practice.

I had the discussion with Miss Moody regarding her grades. She never has homework or if she does it's not that much. I know she has a study period everyday so she gets work done then but I am a little suspicious. Now she's my one child that has gotten straight A's, she used to be totally into her grades. Until last year. Now she's never received anything less than a B on her report card but I noticed there were more B's showing up then ever before. After talking with her I realized that she was not willing to put the extra work/time into keeping her grades high because that would take time away from her "social life". So we talked or rather I talked about the importance of grades and that her grades were how she was earning her cell phone right now since she's not babysitting anymore. I made sure she understood that if her grades weren't up to par come progress reports, she'd lose the cell phone until they were brought up. She never said a word, she just had that blank look that teenagers get when they really don't want to hear what you have to say. So we'll see.

It's been difficult adjusting to how different she is now, how different our relationship is. We're still close but I'm noticing that she's keeping more to herself, not coming to me as much and I'm trying to respect that. I just pray that she will come to me with the big stuff and she always has but I wonder if she will continue. She's all about her friends now and I want her to be social and have fun while she's young. I guess it's just hard to come to terms with not being as important to her as I once was. I know everything we're going through is completely normal but it doesn't make it any easier. And she's a good kid and I'm thankful for that. Feeling her pull away hurts but I have to loosen my grip, if she's feeling ready to step out, step away I'm going to let her, within reason of course.

Now that I'm experiencing all this with Miss Moody it's making me treasure the moments I have with Sonny Boy. He still likes to hug and kiss me except in front of his friends. He still thinks I'm just the greatest. So I'm enjoying it because I know soon, I'll be chopped liver. I still have some time left with Girly Girl though, she'll hug and kiss me in front of anyone. She still holds my hand and she swears I'm the best mom ever. But before I know it she'll think I'm dumber than dumb. I know I was like that too and then things turned around as I got older, it's just getting through it.

2006-09-13T12:16:00.001-05:00

My mother in law made out great through her procedures. Thank you to those who kept her in your prayers. Now we're just praying this will stick and she won't have to have it done again. I'm glad that my sil kept herself together because I was worried she'd be crying the whole time but she didn't.

We bought a new truck today. It's an '06, brand new but we got $14,000 taken off because they are trying to get rid of it so they have room for the '07's which is exactly the same thing that happened when we bought our old truck ten years ago. JR is tickled and it is a great truck. We're just going to buckle down and get my van paid off-quick. I can't wait to see our son's face when his daddy comes home in a new truck tonight, lol.

I'm praying for rain-Sonny Boy has a game at 5pm and Miss Moody has practice at 5pm, in two different towns and I so want to be home tonight. We've only just begun sports and I'm already tired of never being home.

Big Brother is over now until next summer. We started watching that show around Season 3 I think and we've been hooked ever since. I'm glad to see Janelle won the Jury Favorite, as much as I disliked her, she was an excellent player. I was glad to see Mike Boogie win even though I didn't like him much either but he did deserve to win over Erika. The new Survivor begins tomorrow night and this should be an interesting one.

Frugal tip of the day: After you're done shaving, completely dry off your razor, it will last longer. (Some of you may have already known that, I however did not ever dry my razors and I shave everyday and I was going through tons of razors. But I read this tip so I tried it and it really works!)

2006-09-11T07:26:00.000-05:00

I can honestly say I am so glad that it is Monday. This weekend was not a good one, full of tension. My entire back and neck are tight and painful, my jaws hurt from clenching my teeth and I'm tired from not sleeping well. I needed today.

I'm not even up to talking about this weekend. It just sucked all the way around.

Tomorrow the kids don't have school so I've taken off work. I need to take Girly Girl and get her glasses fixed. Maybe we'll go shopping, see if we can hit some sales on fall/winter clothes. The weather is starting to change so it won't be long and we'll be in jeans again.

On the budget front, I actually used coupons at the grocery store and I've stocked up so I'm hoping this weekend I won't need to hit the store for anything but milk and bread. We only went out to eat once and we had a gift card that covered most of it, we ended up on spending $11 and we had leftovers.

Saturday we had opening day of soccer and it was HOT. Didn't do so well on the budget front there, I ended up buying Sonny Boy and Girly Girl sweatshirts but at least Girly Girl will be able to wear her brother's when he outgrows it. This Saturday will be opening day for field hockey so I'll be buying more pictures. Pictures are so expensive, even though I buy the small package.

And of course today is the 5 year anniversary of 9/11. I'm sure you can remember right where you were when everything started being reported. I was here at work and JR's aunt called and was freaking out about a plane crashing into one of the trade center towers. I can remember thinking that it was some mistake, a pilot error and then the second plane hit. Then the one hit the pentagon, then the one went down in PA and all I wanted to do was go get my kids from school. I can remember just sitting in front of the TV watching Fox News and not moving, trying to understand what I was seeing. I didn't know about terrorists, I didn't know there were people out there that wanted to kill us, all of us. I would never have imagined that people would take over a plane and then use them as weapons and kill thousands of people that were just going to work. Our world changed that day.

And I know that I rarely get political here because I'm not one to argue politics. I voted for President Bush both times and even though I don't completely agree with everything he has done, I am very glad that he was our president on that day and that he has been our president since that day. We have not been attacked on our soil since 9/11 and I don't think that has been by accident.

My heart goes out to everyone that lost someone that day.

On a different note, I'm asking that you keep my mil in prayer. She is having a TEE and if that shows no clots around the heart, she will then have a cardioversion. This will all be done on Wednesday, I know she is scared, I would be too. She has atrial fibrillation and over the past few months she's just not been well and two weeks ago it escalated to the point she went back to the doctor. Even though she takes medication for it, it's very common for those with AF to have to have cardioversions, sometimes several of them. I'd appreciate it if you would keep her in your thoughts and prayers.

2006-09-07T08:44:00.000-05:00

Wow, yesterday's post was a real downer. But you know, some days I have down days and sometimes I'll post about them here, sometimes I won't.

I have been searching the internet for different frugal living tips, I've even joined some groups so I can learn from those who already live that way. I am determined to get on a budget, pinch pennies and pay off some debt before JR gets that new truck.

It's not going to be easy because it's been a long time since I've had to really watch what I spend. Not that I have a ton of money but it's not like it was when we were first married and we had no money. The kids aren't going to like it at first either but they'll adjust.

The first area I need to work on is my grocery budget. I need to start making more from scratch, cut down on the convenience foods and I guess I need to start couponing again. I'll need to pay attention to the grocery store fliers that come to me every week and in the paper and buy things I use that are on sale. The rest of my stuff will be bought at Walmart because even though I hate the place, I can get things cheaper there.

So basically, I'm on a mission. Decluttering and cleaning my home, keeping a budget and saving as much as I can and taking better care of myself.

2006-09-06T07:03:00.000-05:00

When I married my husband I had issues with trust. I trusted no one. I married him fully believing he would eventually stop loving me and leave me. I thought all men were unfaithful sooner or later.

But my biggest issue was I've never felt worthy. Worthy of being happy, worthy of being loved, worthy of good things. Maybe that is why I thought no man would ever stay or be faithful. Why would he? I wasn't worth anything.

I still feel unworthy.

I've been married for almost 14 years. I'm married to a man that has parents that have been married for almost 41 years. He has always believed in marriage. He has watched his father work to provide and take care of his family so to him that is what he's supposed to do. I however have parents that divorced when I was almost 16 after many years of marriage due to my father's infidelity. I watched my father never come home, never pay the bills, never provide for us all the while taking care of his "younger woman". I had no faith in marriage or that any man would ever take care of me.

But my husband has always been faithful and has always taken care of me and the kids. He loves me. So why can't I just let myself be in all that? Why do I still think it could be possible when he hasn't given me any reason to think it isn't?

It's so tiring to always have your guard up. Some days I am so emotionally exhausted that I feel like I'm just about to lose it. For a few years I had really thought I'd moved past all these fears. Then my mother died and it's been a struggle since then.

When my mother died, I realized that my husband was all I had. He was the only person in my life that I could count on. What's the problem with that you may ask.

Rather than being comforted by that fact, it terrified me. In my warped mind, this meant if he decided that he didn't love me or if I made him angry and he wanted me to leave, I had nowhere else to go. If I lost him, I lost everything. I don't have anyone else to fall back on which means I have to always keep a Plan B, you know, what will I do if....which really translates into what will I do when.

I don't know how to stop this. It consumes me everyday. And I know that this is something that I have to work through. JR can't fix this, it's beyond him. It's beyond me.

We didn't have a good conversation regarding him getting a new truck. I could feel myself starting to freak as I sensed him getting angry. And then I got angry because I'm so darn tired of being like this. And just so you know, my husband rarely gets angry, we have never, ever gotten into a screaming, cussing match, it's not his style. He's very patient and loving but he does get frustrated, he's human. I just don't want him to get frustrated with me. But why do I feel his feelings for me could just change like that? Mine couldn't with him.

So last night I told him how I live in fear of him not wanting me anymore, that he'll change his mind. And he's looking at me like I'm nuts and maybe I am. He's like I love you, I'm not going to just change my mind, you're not going to make me mad enough that I'm going to want you to go so stop it.

If it were only that easy.

I would love to be comfortable and secure in his love for me. But I won't be until I put this to rest.

2006-09-05T07:08:00.000-05:00

It's a rainy Monday morning here in Maryland and Mondays are hard enough without the added gloom. But I'm here at work and the kids are off to school.

On the diet front, the Sonoma Diet is full of delicious foods but man, talk about hurting your grocery budget. JR is now on the look out for a new truck which means we're going to have to tighten our money belts so I'm not sure of following the Sonoma Diet to a T is something I can manage.

I'm not real happy about the prospect of getting a new truck, they are so darn expensive and if he gets one, we'll have to carry new payments since we're still paying on my van and we've never, ever had to car payments at the same time. We've had his truck now for 10 years and it's still in good shape but all 5 of us can't travel in it comfortably anymore, the kids are getting too big. I don't know, I'm going to approach him about waiting to see if GM has employee pricing again at the end of the year and just buckling down to save as much as we can to get ready.

I just feel like with all the potential changes with work it's not a good time to go adding on that kind of debt. But I do need to become more frugal, I've slacked off in recent years because we were making more money which was a mistake. Rather than continuing to live on the the same budget we were used to, we just changed our living to meet what we were making.

I don't know, I hate talking money with my husband. I can totally see why money is the main cause of divorce.

On a different note, I cleaned out and organized my laundry room. I can actually walk around in there! Now my next mission is the upstairs closet.

Are you frugal? Do you and your spouse agree on money matters?

2006-08-31T08:04:00.000-05:00

Today is my first official day following the Sonoma Diet. I made some things last night to have for lunch today. I cooked several chicken breasts that I can use in at least 3 different recipes. Today I'm trying the chicken with black bean spread wrap. I made the black bean spread myself and I'm having a side salad with lime vinagrette that I made myself. I feel like I should be on Food Network with all the homemade stuff I made. I'll definetly have to do a lot of cooking on the weekends, make as much as I can ahead of time. Right now I'm all gung ho, I just hope I can keep the momentum after I've been doing this awhile.

My sister has now changed her picnic to a family dinner because of the predicted rain that way she can have it inside. Grrr....I guess there's no getting out of it. I wish I didn't feel this way but it is what it is. And if my mil feels better we'll be havig my fil's b-day dinner on Saturday which means I'll be spending the day with my sil and it will be a day full of big productions over every little thing, especially if her kids fall down. Then Sunday I will go to my sister's and it will be all uncomfortable and tense, at least for me. Monday I'm not going anywhere, I'm going to stay home and cook.

I'm just going to pray for God to change my heart.

The kids are still making out well in school. Miss Moody really likes field hockey and she's doing so well. Girly Girl's two good friends are now playing on the junior field hockey team and these two friends are also in class together. Girly Girl is worried that they'll become better friends and leave her out. I'm hoping that doesn't happen too. I'll just have to make sure she gets to have her friends come over on the weekends.

I wish I was better about that, having the kids have friends over. I'm better about it during the school year. I want the kids and their friends to hang out at our house and I'm hoping as everyone gets older they will. I'm just not real good about planning for it, you know? Since we live in the boonies, it's not like we have friends down the street or anything.

Do your kids have their friends over a lot?

2006-08-30T08:24:00.000-05:00

Having to get up at 5:30am again is for the birds. Thank God the kids have been getting up pretty well. The weirdest change has been that older daughter who I will refer to as Miss Moody from now on, is getting up all on her own now so when I go to get her brother and sister up, she's doing her hair and getting all prettied up for the day. Sonny Boy still gets up as usual, he's ready to roll pretty much as soon as his feet hit the floor. Now younger daughter who I will refer to as Girly Girl from now on, is a much different story. She hates waking up early, just like me. And she has a double crown in her scalp which makes her long hair all crazy and turned all about, just like me except my hair isn't long anymore but it was when I was kid and there are many pictures of me with my hair all over the place because my mom refused to cut my pretty white blonde hair. Wow, that was a run on sentence! Anyway, when she does finally get out of bed she walks all stiff like because her feet are stiff in the morning, just like me. Somehow she manages to get herself downstairs where she lays on the sofa until I make her get dressed. I have a feeling she's going to be one of those people late for work.

But there is something about seeing your kids all sleepy in their beds, with the sheets still warm from their bodies. This morning was dark and gloomy out which makes it even harder to get moving and I just wanted to curl up in their beds with them.

We have actually had some rain here the last couple of days and we need it. It hasn't rained since early July I think and it's been dry. Very dry. We've been losing leaves off the trees because it's so dry, it looks like fall at our house. I think we may be getting the remnants of Tropical Storm Ernesto this weekend.

Maybe my sister will cancel her picnic?

I bit the bullet and have decided to follow the Sonoma Diet rather than Weight Watchers. Mainly because I love how the Sonoma Diet advocates natural foods more than prepackaged. Not that Weight Watchers does but I just liked the concept of the Sonoma Diet better. It's going to be a challenge though because I will have to be more prepared and will probably have to do a lot of cooking and prepping on Sundays to be ready for the week. I just feel that this is something I need to do because I know how I've been eating isn't helping my body. I certainly haven't had much energy and I need all the energy I can get.

Do you fix most of your meals from scratch or are you like me and cook out of the box half the time?

2006-08-29T06:56:00.000-05:00

Everyone had a good first day of school. Sonny boy really likes his teacher but I think after the fiasco of last year, anything is better. Older daughter made out well too. Apparently they've split the 8th grade into two groups which means for all of her subject classes she is only with her group and she only eats lunch with her group. She does have her UA's (gym,band,computer) with the other kids though. Apparently they have done this because the 8th grade is so large but it's no different than it has been. I think it's to help with the disciplinary problems. Either way, she is very happy with it. Younger daughter made out well too even though she's not with any of her friends. I know she will be fine, she makes friends easily.

It was so strange to come home from work to an empty house. It was so quiet. I just sat and relished the peace. Once they got home it was a flurry of activity, they each had to tell me about their day, then we had to get homework done before practices.

I do worry about older daughter and I'm trying not to show it or dwell on it. I know that she is extremely sensitive and gets offended easily so I try and keep that in mind when she's telling me how other girls are treating her. But then I also remember how vicious other girls can be and I remember how hard it was. And I also know that she needs to learn to deal with it all because it's not going to get any easier. I know that I am biased but she is a very pretty girl, she's naturally pretty, one of those girls that looks better without make up. Over the summer her looks have changed, she's gotten taller and slimmer. She cut her hair. She looks older than most girls her age. So I don't doubt there are girls giving her dirty looks and I know there are certain girls that really don't like her. But isn't that life? Not everyone is going to like you and there will be people that will find any reason possible to justify it.

I talk with her about having a forgiving spirit but it is hard. I struggle with it too. Sometimes though I just wonder how bad it really is though. I want her to have friends and enjoy being young. I worry though that she expects too much out of these girls and because of that she will always be disappointed.

Makes me wonder if I do the same.

2006-08-28T07:25:00.000-05:00

The kids are in school now, it's hard to believe summer vacation is over, I feel like it just started. The kids got up with no problems and we made it out of the house on time. I think I had a harder time getting moving.

I've had mixed feelings about them going back to school. Part of me hates to send them because I can't control what they are exposed to or who they are hanging around. I know older daughter was anxious to get back to school and see her friends and that's not always a good thing. I'm not looking forward to the homework battles either, mostly with my son. But on the other hand, I like the structure that comes with the school year and that we are more scheduled. I also know that the kids were really getting on each other's nerves so it was time they had a break from each other.

We had a good weekend though. We went crabbing in the river and caught about 3/4's of a bushel which is the best we've ever done in the river. So we got to eat crabs all weekend. I even organized my kitchen some more and went through younger daughter's clothes and organized everything.

My sister is planning a picnic for next weekend which also happens to be my fil's birthday weekend. My mil hasn't decided if she is having his party on Saturday or Sunday yet and my sister keeps bugging me about it. I told her to just plan her picnic and we would try and make it, we might have to just split our time. She's like can't you just tell J(my mil) that you need to know because I'm having a picnic and I want you there.

Um hello but not everyone plans their life around what you want.

And I'm not going to miss my fil's party because it's important to JR and my kids. And I'm not going to bug my mil either, she's been sick for a few days and I'm just not going to be on her about the party.

So I guess my sister will have to deal with it.

I feel like saying, wasn't that one weekend enough? Because technically, if we go to her picnic, the following weekend is older daughter's birthday and if I have family over for cake and ice cream, that means that will be two weekends in a row that we're all together.

I know, I'm mean, aren't I? But really, I can only take her in small doses, she's too demanding for me. I have enough people demanding my time, I don't need her to do it too.

Oh and I had a lawyer call my house Friday morning looking for my father. I'm not sure what's going on and he couldn't tell me. Not that I want to know, I'm sure it's because he hasn't paid on something, we've been through that before with him. I just don't want to be involved.

We have a full week of practices so between school and sports we will be pretty busy. At least the kids will sleep good.

How was your weekend? Got any plans for Labor Day weekend?

2006-08-24T10:45:00.000-05:00

I've been having headaches a lot lately. I'm not sure if they would classify as migraines. I've never had problems with headaches before, usually if I have one it's sinus related. Yesterday afternoon I felt like my head was in a vice and I was even nauseated.

One thing I have experienced from time to time for several years is something that I would call a face ache. The right side of my face including my scalp aches and is extremely sensitive to touch which makes brushing my hair a whole lot of fun. My right ear will hurt and my gums on the right side will get swollen and painful. Sometimes the lymph node under my jaw on the right side will get large and painful. I've noticed this will happen during times of great stress or if I get too tired for too long or by hormones.

I used to experience this quite often and it had been a long time before it happened last week. Saturday and Sunday I felt terrible with it because I get these shooting pains in my head as well but usually if I take some motrin I can muddle through. The fatigue is rough though.

This time I think it was hormonal because I started my period a week early which I rarely do. So I'm wondering if the headaches are a part of it too.

Either way I'm tired of them. Yesterday I had to take older daughter to field hockey and I just sat in the van the entire time. Thankfully JR was able to get home and take the other two to their practices. I took Excedrin migraine which did work eventually and I drank a ton of water trying to hydrate myself, hoping that would help.

And looking back to last month I had a lot of headaches around my period. Not as bad as yesterdays but I can remember having to take motrin for several days to get rid of them.

I've read blogs where people suffer with migraines and they end up in bed with them. I truly hope that this is just some passing thing because there is no way I can be in bed for 2 days.

Do you have migraines or bad headaches? Got any advice?

2006-08-23T08:45:00.000-05:00

Nothing good to blog today. Younger daughter's soccer practice got cancelled last night and moved to tonight which will make things a little challenging because older daughter has field hockey practice in another town and sonny boy has soccer practice but at least his is at the same park as younger daughter. JR will probably be working late, he has to meet with one of our customers and the meeting will most likely run long. So basically I will be running the roads tonight.

Sonny boy hurt his ankle last week at practice. He's complained of it hurting but it doesn't hurt enough to stop him from doing anything. By the end of practice last night he was limping and I could tell he was hurting even though I had wrapped it with an ace bandage. His ankle was a little swollen and I could see a faint bruise so we iced it up and but it in a brace which he hates. This morning his ankle looked fine but I told him he has to stay off of it today, keep it elevated, take his motrin and ice it. I'm not sure if he will practice tonight.

I mentioned how I spent most of my weekend with my sister and how I don't spend much time with her anymore. I like to blame it on my schedule which is busy or that we don't live close which we don't. All of those are valid excuses but are not the actual truth. I am very uncomfortable around her, I don't feel like I can relax. Sometimes I feel like I'm under this microscope, that she's analyzing me, studying how I am.

But if I am going to be honest here, I have to say that after having gone through everything with our mom and afterwards, it was like my eyes were opened. I never realized what a selfish person she was. I never realized how she liked to make me feel small, or wrong or dumb. Like I was the one that didn't have a clue.

I won't go into great detail here about all the events that led up to me realizing how it really was. To sum it all up in a nutshell she felt she was more entitled to things and I had to make the choice of turning the other cheek because I was not going to dishonor my mother in that way. Even though I had everyone else around me telling me to fight it, I refused because I knew that wasn't the right thing to do.

And after making that decision, I had to sit back and watch her enjoy herself as I sank further and further into a pit of depression. She was out buying a new Jeep, paying off debt, planning a wedding and I was having nightmares, panic attacks and shutting myself away.

But I was the one that was wrong. I grieved wrong, I dealt with things wrong. Just because I wasn't doing things her way, because I wasn't just letting her do all those things and being ok with it. I wasn't letting her have her way. I was wrong.

Now I know that I wasn't wrong. If nothing else, I've learned a lot about myself over the last 3 years. I've learned a lot about why I do certain things. There's a lot about myself that I'm not very pleased with but slowly, I'm seeing that I'm not wrong. I'm just not her and I don't want to be her. I'm not going to change how I live or what I believe in order to have her acceptance. I don't need to do that anymore.

As I've healed, I've grown. I've made a life for myself that doesn't include her in the same way as before. Not that she's not a part of my life. It's just different. I guess you could say her placement is different. I had to make some tough decisions back when I was trying to get well. I spent time figuring how what I needed to do and I did it. Like I had to stop visiting Mom's grave so much, I had to stop thinking about her death-I would literally tell myself NO! when I found msyelf thinking about it, I had to cut some people that were family out of my life and I had to change some relationships with family.

At first, things were fine because she was so caught up in her new life and then it was like she realized that I wasn't around as much. So now she's trying to make things like they used to be rather than just accepting this is how it is. I want to spend time with her but it's not going to be every week like before. She's not going to bully me into her way of thinking, that's over.

There is still a part of me that is angry with her too. Angry at her selfishness, angry at her disregard of my children, angry at her arrogance. I need to work on those feelings and let them go, they aren't beneficial.

As sad as it is, I know that I can't have her all up in my life again. I've worked so hard to get where I am and I've done it on my own terms. I've prayed and tried to follow what I feel God has been showing me.

She's not accepting this though. It's not what she wants so she's going to pull out all the stops. First it will be she's concerned about my mental health, then she'll try and bully me.

Not gonna happen though.

Have you had to make tough decisions regarding family?

2006-08-22T08:52:00.000-05:00

Older daughter made out very well last night at field hockey. I wasn't so sure how it was going to go. As soon as I got home from work yesterday, she started up. She didn't want to go, all the usual stuff. I told her that it was normal to feel nervous but she can't keep letting nervousness keep her from doing new things. I basically told her she had to suck it up and go. And she did great. She ended up knowing more people than she thought she would and I even saw her talking to girls she didn't know. She was very proud of herself and excited about it all when we got home.

So now Monday through Thursday we will be having practices which means we won't be eating dinner most nights until 7:30pm to 8pm. I hate eating that late but the kids don't like having a full belly before practice and JR isn't even home yet by the time I'm leaving to take everybody. I plan on using the crock pot a lot and cooking stuff ahead of time so we can just reheat it.

I organized the cabinet under my stove, now I just need to scrub it and get the racks I want to put in there. Next is the laundry room and the upstairs closet, both will take me a long time to go through but I'm determined to get this done. I also need to go through all the kids clothes and get rid of everything that they don't wear anymore or they've outgrown. I keep so much of older daughter's stuff for younger daughter but half the time younger daughter doesn't like it because she's more girly girl and older daughter doesn't like to dress up. I need to just get rid of all those old clothes, I will have so much more room in the upstairs closet.

I also want to get on a better cleaning schedule. Do you have a cleaning schedule or do you just clean whenever?

2006-08-21T11:19:00.000-05:00

Note To Self:

Don't renew your in-laws cell phone contract over the phone with Verizon.

Actually don't do order anything from Verizon over the phone or online.

But really don't do it for your in-laws.

Ever again.

I hate Verizon.

2006-08-21T08:26:00.000-05:00

This morning I took 3 giggling, energetic little girls to dance camp. Wow, what a way to start a Monday. At least they were happy.

I went to the scrapbooking thing on Saturday. I was gone from 9am to 9pm and I loved it. My sister left before I did. I got younger daughter's dance recital book done too. I plan on going back to the next one in October. I am so glad I went.

Sunday we celebrated my sister's b-day, ate some crabs, had cake and ice cream. It was a pretty good day. Got to see my nephew that I haven't seen in about 3 months or so, he's living in PA now so I don't see him much. It was interesting spending the majority of my weekend with my sister, I don't spend much time with her anymore and I don't talk to her much either. If I do, it's very brief. It's amazing how our relationship changed after mom died, it's almost like she was the glue that held us together. Or maybe it's because I changed. I don't know. I do know that after going through all that with mom, I saw a different side to my sister or maybe I finally saw her for who she was. Either way, things are different. I know that I changed a lot too. I know that I never truly realized how bossy she is, I guess that's what makes her a good manager at work but goodness. Her poor husband is practically her slave and she likes to make sure everyone knows it. It's almost embarassing to watch him just jump at her every beck and call. To each his own I guess.

I didn't do very well on the eating front but I do plan on walking this week while the kids are at soccer practice. Older daughter has her first field hockey practice tonight, I'm praying it goes well.

I wasn't home to do much organization this weekend but I plan on working a little each day this week. My first mission is to organize the cabinet underneath my oven and buy some racks to keep my cookie sheets and baking stones neater. I've organized my tupperware cabinet and it looks so nice. My next big thing will be to organize my laundry room. I have 3 walls with wire shelves that I use for storage and a pantry. It's gotten out of hand and I need to get rid of stuff and organize it better. That will be an all day job though.

This is the kids last week of summer, this time next week they will be in school. Younger daughter isn't too happy about not being in class with any of her friends this year. The teacher is wonderful though and I just don't feel like I should move her out of there just because she won't be with friends. If anything, it might be a good thing, she can concentrate better during class time and play with her friends at recess. She'll still be in dance class with them so that will be good.

Do you think that is the right thing? To keep her in a class with no friends but a great teacher?

2006-08-17T07:39:00.000-05:00

I've been off work the last two days, I've been running errands getting all the shopping done for school stuff. Next week is a busy week so I won't have time so we did it now.

It was nice being off and just running around with the kids. I miss those days when I didn't have such a tight schedule, when I was home more. I miss being home with the kids but once they are back in school, I'm glad I have work to get me out of the house.

Soccer practices are now officially on. We've been to practices Tuesday and Wednesday and will be there again tonight. Next week practices will be Monday through Thursday because older daughter starts field hockey. She's a little nervous because she's never played before and she's not sure if she will know anyone on the team. It's a great way for her to get to know other girls that she will be going to high school with next year. There were 2 girls that she knows that were supposed to play but I had a feeling they were going to back out and sure enough, they have. I'm glad though, I think it will be good for her to have something that is hers without all the drama from the girls she goes to school with everyday. We'll see though, she has such a hard time stepping out.

Not doing so good on the diet front though I have been walking while the kids are at practice. So that's one positive step in the right direction.

I haven't got very far organizing my home but I plan on checking out flylady today.

One day at a time, one step at a time.

I can say that I'm feeling better. Maybe because I'm figuring out what I want out of my life and how I want to achieve it. I feel like God is showing me so many things about myself, things I need to work on and I don't feel bad about it. I feel hopeful. I just can't look at the big picture otherwise I get discouraged.

One thing I'm trying to conquer is being a little more sociable. I'm not going to be a social butterfly because I do like my own space and I like doing my own thing. But I don't need to be alone all the time. So this Saturday I'm going to a scrapbooking crop at one of my neighbors. She is a Creative Memories consultant and has a room on her house that she holds crops like once a month. I've never gone even though my sister has. So I'm stepping out and going this Saturday and I plan on being gone all day. And my sister is going too. I know my neighbor will be surprised to see me, she'd given up on getting me to come.

I've noticed how I don't step out and how can I expect my children to do so if I don't? I mean, I'm no different than my daughter, not wanting to go because I might not know anyone or I might not "like" who is there. I just feel very strongly that this is something I need to address and work through. Not just for me but for my kids. I am their example.

Poor kids, lol.

But I'm feeling more positive than I have in awhile. I just have to celebrate the small victories, focus on the good rather than on the negative. I plan on sharing my journey here and I invite anyone who is on their own journey to share about it here if you'd like. I think Val's idea of a support group is a great one and it doesn't have to be just about weight loss.

I'm a slacker and haven't really done much with this blog like add my blogroll or anything else for that matter. So here is my email if you'd like to discuss anything with me privately: notenoughofmeatgmail.com.

2006-08-14T08:28:00.000-05:00

Thank you all so much for responding to my last post.

Lisa - I am very familiar with the UMC, I was brought up in a Methodist church and was married in one. My kids attended Sunday School at the little Methodist church in our town. The church is small and focuses mostly on the kids which is great but they don't have any adult classes. I used to attend a huge church before my mom died, I loved it there but because it was so large it was hard to get to really know other people, plus it was about 35 minutes from my home one way so it was hard for me to be too involved. That church was an Assembly of God which is more fundamental than most Methodist churches but I loved their music and the liveliness of the services. I also have a good friend that is the worship leader at a Church of God which is pretty much the same as an Assembly of God and she invites me all the time. They have a huge youth group which is something I would love to have my oldest be involved in.

Either way, I think I'm becoming more open to church and well, God. It feels good. I've been listening to my Joyce Meyer tapes and reading her devotionals. I've been listening to Joyce Meyer for years and years and I just love her way of teaching.

My in-laws took the kids for the entire weekend. I dropped them off Friday afternoon and they come home at lunch time yesterday. I spent all day Saturday at the mall just looking at what I wanted to look at. It was wonderful. I did get my oldest a necklace for her birthday next month. It was a $36 necklace and I paid $8 for it, pretty cool, huh?

We were supposed to get together with the family we went to the Outer Banks with on Saturday. But I guess you can kinda say that we got dumped. I got home from shopping and C had left a message saying that they were tired from going out the night before so they didn't want us to come over because they were going to bed early. It was all good though because hubby and I went out for a nice dinner just the two of us and I like when we get to do that. I guess that's why we don't have many friends, I'm content to do my own thing most of the time and I like when it's just the two of us.

The kids only have 2 weeks left of summer, I can't believe it's almost over. We're starting soccer practice this week for younger daughter and I'm thinking by next week, everyone should be back to practices and the fun will begin.

When the kids get back in school I'm going back to Weight Watchers. I'm starting now to follow the plan but I want to get back to the meetings.

I'm also on a quest to become more organized, I say this every year but I really want to. Our schedules are about to get very busy and being organized will help that. I'm also on a mission to declutter my home.

Basically I'm trying to restart my life here.

So I'm asking all of you for your tips on any or all of the above. How do you stay organized? How do you keep your clutter under control? How about healthy eating? Got any good crock pot recipes?

2006-08-10T10:32:00.000-05:00

First off I want to thank both momxtwo and Val for your kind comments the other day.

I've been thinking alot about going back to church because I do miss it. And I thought maybe if I put some of my reasons that I stopped going, maybe I could get some feedback.

My beliefs have never changed in that I believe in God and Jesus, that has never been the problem.

I've always struggled with never feeling like I was good enough, that I was always sinning so why bother. It's like I can never get it right, I lose my patience, say things I shouldn't, think bad thoughts, etc.

The next thing is my husband does not and has no desire to go to church. He would never stop me from going or the kids from going. He just doesn't want any part of it. And because of that, my home isn't the kind of home that families where everyone attends and holds the same beliefs. Not that he is an atheist, he believes in God, he just doesn't feel church is important. His sister has turned him off more by being very judgmental with her holier than thou attitude, honestly it turns me off. But I do feel set apart from most people who attend church, I guess because my home won't be like theirs.

Those were my two main issues before my mom died. After her death, I just shut down. I was angry at God for taking her and I just stopped seeking Him. I stopped praying, I stopped going to church. I tried going back but I felt nothing, I didn't want to sing songs of praise because I was angry. I didn't want to pray because why bother? God will do what He wants.

I also struggle with all the man made rules that Christian make. Like not being able to play cards or dance. I don't understand that. I don't have a problem with Halloween mainly because I don't make it an evil thing, my kids just view it as an opportunity to dress up and get candy, there's no evil in that. I don't understand how you can be against Halloween but have a Christmas tree which if I'm correct (and I'm not saying that I am), the Christmas tree was a pagan tradition. It's like there are so many rules that don't make sense and because I wasn't in aggreement with those rules, that set me apart. Just like with the Harry Potter books and movies, my kids aren't into them but I wouldn't discourage it. It's just fiction, no different than Star Wars. I have a friend that wouldn't let her children have Pokemon cards because they are considered pocket monsters and that's wrong. To me that's just craziness.

I guess I want to focus more on raising my children to have good morals, to trust God in everything. I'm more concerned with keeping my kids away from MTV, R rated movies than Harry Potter. I'm more concerned with who their friends are than Halloween.

And I know I've been judged for that but I also know that I will always be judged by someone for something.

I guess I need to find a way to just ignore all that because I do miss church, I miss being surrounded by people that have the same basic beliefs as I do. But more importantly, I miss God. I miss that relationship but I'm just not sure if I can ever really go back, not how I was before anyway.

I would love to hear your input on this and I hope I haven't offended anyone because that is not my intention. I'm open to any advice, send people my way who you feel can add some insight.

2006-08-08T07:55:00.000-05:00

I think I am in a funk. Actually, I know I am in a funk. I'm wanting to sleep all the time. My laundry is piling up, my house is a mess and I don't want to deal with any of it.

This usually happens with me when I'm overly stressed out and/or overwhelmed. And since I'm all about keeping it real, I have to admit I'm a lot of both. My jaws are aching because I'm clenching and grinding my teeth when I'm sleeping. I'm even catching myself clenching my teeth during the day.

It's probably a cumulation of things. I'm dreading the start of school but wanting it now at the same time. The kids are getting on each other's nerves, fighting over dumb things so I know it's time for them to get back into the school routine. But I dread the homework battles and all the stuff that will come when my oldest is in 8th grade.

I'm also worried about our sports schedules. Older daughter is playing field hockey in a neighboring town, about 20 minutes away while my son and younger daughter are playing soccer in our town. So depending on JR's work schedule, I know I'm going to have to ask for other people to help me out from time to time getting them to practices. I also just got younger daughter's new dance class schedule and she will now have dance class on Thursday evenings. I know that will interfere with soccer practices as well as her Brownie meetings. I wish that she had been kept in the Friday evening class, I even told her that Fridays were good for me. At least Brownies is only twice a month so I can work around that. It will mainly be soccer and I know her coach will be less than thrilled if she misses Thursdays. But she's been in dance now for 5 years and only played soccer for 2. Soccer only lasts through October so I'll just have to be juggling things for about 2 months.

But more than anything else, I'm worried about my husband and his work situation. His father is very serious about retiring and wants us to have a meeting once we get the kids back in school.

I feel guilty for feeling the way I do and I would never, ever tell my husband what I'm worried about because I know it would hurt him.

I just don't know how he's going to be able to do it. While his dad was gone last week, he was overwhelmed with what he had to do, there was so much to do. The whole time I'm thinking, how will you do it when it's all your responsibility? When you don't have anyone to fall back on?

He's not used to being in charge of that much, he's never had to multitask.

I don't know. I should have more faith in him and it's truly sad that I don't. He's always taken care of us. But things are about to change and I know that some fear is normal. He's excited about all this and here I sit, scared and uncertain.

I know he senses that something is wrong. I don't want to hurt his feelings so I say nothing. And because I'm remaining silent, I'm about to explode.

I also know that with all this change, more is going to be expected of me. And I just don't know how I'm going to be able to keep up with everything and not have my kids pay the price.

I know I'm not making much sense. My thoughts are all over the place, jumping from here to there. I just need to trust God and leave it to Him but you know, I don't do that often enough.

I've realized that I miss going to church. I wish that I had never walked away from that part of my life. My beliefs have not changed. I just couldn't go to church anymore, I was dealing with some things and I felt like a hypocrite. I guess now that I've worked through a lot, I've realized how empty my life has become. And now I don't know how I can go back.

I feel like I'm always running full tilt. Like I don't know how to just be calm, take my time. I'm always rushing, even when I don't need to be. I just want to slow down and enjoy the journey, does that make sense? But instead, I'm all worried and nervous, watching my life pass by and not even enjoying it. I mean, what's meant to be is going to happen regardless of how much I worry. I need to learn how to just let go and trust.

Yeah right. Trust. That's something I don't do. Not completely anyway.

Maybe I'm just high strung, I don't know but something has got to change. If I keep on like this, I'm going to end up with some serious health problems.

Are you a worrier? Or are you laid back, just taking life as it comes?

2006-08-07T10:47:00.000-05:00

Our trip to Hershey Park was ok. The weather was great, it was hot but not humid. The only problem we had was that the kids could not agree on what rides to go on so they ended up not going on that many. Usually we hit almost every one. I can't ride many rides, I get sick too easily. Younger daughter is too tall now to ride a lot of her favorite things, she's tall for her age so even though she's tall enough to ride the bigger rides now, she's not quite ready to. My son got a horrible nose bleed, the worst I've ever seen. The hotel beds were so hard it was like sleeping on a board, the pillows were so flat they were near nonexistent. So, I can't say that I enjoyed our trip which is sad because I do love going there. I guess the next time we go back we'll have to take friends.

One thing I realized is how much our family has changed. I don't have little kids anymore. I always loved taking them to the park, watching them ride the little rides, watching them smile and be so excited. And even though younger daughter would love to still ride those rides, she can't. So now everyone is going on the roller coasters while I sit out and wait. Or we sit and they argue because no one can agree.

The worst thing is I don't know how to handle these changes. I mean, you don't do the same things with big kids. Big kids aren't as easily pleased, it's harder to make them happy.

I remember back when I thought that I would never get out of the diaper stage, the stroller, the diaper bag, bottles. I remember wishing for them to outgrow all that, thinking it would be easier.

But it's not easier.

Sure, all my kids use the bathroom and don't suck a bottle. I don't need to lug around a stroller. I don't have to schedule my life around nap times.

Now I have to worry about boys, sex, bad choices in friends, MTV, drugs, alcohol, stds. Granted most of those things pertain to my oldest but the other two are following close behind.

It wasn't easy when they were little because little people are hard work.

Now it's more emotionally hard. Now I'm having mentally exhausted.

But life keeps moving, our kids keep growing and I have to adjust to how things are now. Of course, once I'm adjusted things will change again.

2006-08-01T08:23:00.000-05:00

Well, we've decided to go to Hershey Park this weekend. The hot weather is supposed to break on Friday, at least we hope so. We're staying at the Spinner's Inn, we've stayed there several times and it's right next to Hershey Park. I've always wanted to stay at the Hershey Lodge or the Hershey Hotel but it's so expensive that I can't justify it, especially since we only use the room to sleep.

One of our past customers died on Sunday, he'd been extremely ill for about 2 weeks. He started with a fever, ended up in a coma, had a massive stroke on Sunday and was taken off the respirator. They don't know what he had so they performed an autopsy in hopes of finding the answer. Life is so fragile.

Of course, my sil is obsessing about the poor man's mysterious illness. She's weird like that. I swear I won't hear from her but let someone get sick or die and she's on the phone constantly. I don't get that. But she and I are like night and day. You couldn't get two people any more different than we are. And unfortunately we're like oil and water. I can only take her in small doses. She's very dramatic and everything has to be this big production whereas I'm more low key. Honestly, a day with her makes me tired with a headache. For instance, she called me yesterday and told me she was going to get some balloons and take them to her parent's home(my in-laws) and decorate for their homecoming. They've been on vacation. For 10 days. You'd think they'd been gone a year or something. She's called here wanting to know if I'd heard from her parents yet but I know they're sleeping in, they got home well after midnight I'm sure. I'm sure she's going to start calling them soon because she can't stand it.

Maybe I'm being unfair. I know my husband can't wait to see his dad. It's been 3 weeks because we went on vacation and they left before we got back. I guess because I can go months without seeing my dad and it's no big deal and I don't have mom around anymore, I don't realize how close they really are.

I don't know. I'm glad they are home safe and sound. I get along with both of my in-laws. And really my fil doesn't bother me so much. It's mostly my mil. She can be a bit harsh at times and even though she doesn't like make a point of coming after me or anything. I do feel like I've got to have my back up around her. It's hard to explain. She has a mean streak and likes for things to be her way because it's the right way after all. It can just be exhausting.

Do you have someone in your life that exhausts you?

2006-07-31T08:54:00.000-05:00

I had a good weekend. I didn't do much of anything which is exactly what I needed.

I took the kids to see Monster House. Word of advice, don't waste your money.

Sunday I took the kids to see my sister's 2 new yellow lab puppies. They are so cute but I can't imagine having 2 puppies. Of course now the kids want a puppy but it's not going to happen. We have one dog and he's enough work. I'll just take them over to my sister's to play with hers.

I spent a lot of time reading this weekend which was very relaxing. I could live with my head stuck in a book if I had the time. When I enter the library I'm so happy, almost excited because there are so many books for me to read and I'm surrounded by them.

My in-laws will be back from their Alaskan cruise tomorrow. I know my husband will be glad to see his dad, he hasn't seen him for 3 weeks and that's never happened before. But honestly, it's been nice having a break. My in-laws are such a huge part of my daily life, more so than the average person. They like to tell us what to do with our money which gets on my last nerve. They just don't get how it is to raise 3 kids in today's world. I just ignore them, you'd think they realize that we're going to do our own thing. Don't get me wrong, they've been very smart with their money and they are reaping the benefits now but our situation is totally different than theirs.

Have I mentioned how hot it is? Today with the heat index it's going to feel about 110 degrees and tomorrow and Wednesday are going to be worse. I don't know how JR can work out in it but he's used to it. He'll be wiped out when he gets home.

I have no camps going on this week and I'm so glad. Now I need to get ready for school, yuck. I can't tell you how much I'm dreading school.

Older daughter broke up with her boyfriend. She said that having had her phone taken away made her realize that she doesn't want a boyfriend and all the stuff that comes with one. She said she likes having her time to do what she wants without someone bugging her. This boy was a bit needy and I wasn't comfortable with it. I'm just thankful she realized it on her own. I've really had to come down on her regarding the phone and some other issues, she knows I'm not playing around and honestly, I think she's relieved that I stepped up. I was sitting back to see how she'd deal with things and unfortunately I had to step in before things got out of hand. And she didn't even balk or fight me on it so I know she was glad that I did it, she was caving to the pressures of her peers and now she can just blame everything on me. I'm cool with that.

Did you struggle with peer pressure as a teen? Do you still?

2006-07-27T08:45:00.000-05:00

Well, the Tupperware party went ok. It's funny how the people you expect to come don't and the ones you don't expect show up. I have a tummy ache though from eating junk so late. I had one girl not come but she still sent her 11yr old son with her mom, I think she's mad at me for not attending her "Slumber Party". Oh well, I wasn't going to go to a sex toy party, just not my thing, you know?

I am so glad this week is almost over. I feel like I'm living out of my van with all the running from camp to camp. Thank God I'm carpooling with another mom for the Girl Scouts camp otherwise I would be totally losing it.

I can't believe summer is almost over. My kids go back to school on 8/28 so we don't have much longer. This summer has flown by but we've been way busier with all the different camps which is something we don't ordinarily do. I don't know if it's been a good thing or not. The only positive really is that the kids aren't stuck home with each other as much which helps with the fighting. The running around hasn't been fun for me though, I hate it. I did so much running when my mom was ill that now I can't stand it.

We're planning a long weekend to Hershey Park sometime next month. If you ever get a chance to visit there, go for it. You can do Lancaster, PA for a day and then head to Hershey. I love Hershey Park, it's one of my favorite places to go and I don't even like rides.

It feels weird though to have no plans this weekend. JR has to work so it'll just be me and the kids. My son wants to start school shopping and honestly you can't wait too long because everything gets picked over and they need so much stuff nowadays. But I don't even want to think about school supplies or even school for that matter. I dread the homework battle and all the drama with my oldest.

I'm feeling so blah today. Last night at the party I realized how small my world has become. I didn't invite that many people to my party, mainly because my mind was on vacation. I could've invited more family but I didn't. It's kind of sad though because I used to be more social. I used to have more friends. What happened? I know with the more kids we had the less free time I had. I know my life also became consumed with caring for my mom. But somewhere along the line I lost myself or I lost the desire to be social, I don't know. It takes energy and time to be social and I'm low on both of those things. I know too that I've become kind of hard nosed. I have very little tolerance for bull crap. I'm not going to waste my time on people that are fake or two faced. And honestly, most people are that way, at least here in our small community. Maybe I need to show more mercy and forgiveness? No one is perfect, right? I don't know, it's been like ever since Mom died, I just don't want to put myself out there. Emotionally I just can't do it.

What about you? Do you socialize much? Or do you keep to yourself?

2006-07-26T08:28:00.000-05:00

Well, my oldest made out ok yesterday. Once I got her home we sat down and had a long talk about the entire situation. She's at camp with several girls that she knows but not girls she would hang out with outside of camp. A couple of these girls she's known for a long, long time. These two girls in particular dress very boyish, they wear boys shorts, long t-shirts. They wear their hair long and in a pony tail. That's their style, that's what they like. My daughter likes to dress more girlish. She wears girls shorts and no, they are not booty shorts, she doesn't own a pair. She has long hair but likes to wear it up in this twisty kind of way that alot of the girls like. She's starting to like make up but doesn't wear too much because I don't allow her too and she doesn't need it. I know that I am biased but she is a pretty girl. She also looks a lot older than she is. She's changed a lot since the end of school, she's grown at least an inch in height and she's slimmed down. Well, these two girls are picking on her because she doesn't dress like them. They get in a huddle, talk about her, look at her and laugh and then try and suck up. If you're a girl, you know what I mean, you know the games girls play with each other.

I told her that she has to take back the power she has given those girls. If they are standing together, looking at her and laughing, she needs to turn her back to them or walk away if possible. They want her to stand there and watch them do that stuff, so it's time to not give them what they want.

This all started on Monday and carried over to Tuesday. Personally by Tuesday I would've been up in their faces, demanding they say it to my face but my daughter is not me. I wouldn't be surprised though if she reaches a breaking point and does end up losing it.

I swear though I feel like I'm 13 again, you know? It's amazing how very little has changed in how girls treat each other. I'm 34 so it's been awhile since I was 13 but it was just like that back then. I can remember how hard it was going through all that and watching her go through this just brings it back so vividly.

It also brings out that mamma bear instinct. I so want to tell her to say all these nasty things to those girls but everything I want to say is totally inappropriate. I'd love to be her for a week, I'd go on a mission and take care of all the crap.

But I can't. Instead I have to sit back and support her. I'd love to fight her battles for her but that wouldn't be helping her. I could let her stay home but she does love lacrosse and if she stays home, she's letting them take away something she enjoys. She can't let them do that, that's what they want. But it's so hard, I feel like I'm sending her into the lions den. Honestly though, she needs to learn to deal with this because she's a pretty girl with alot going for her so there will be girls that don't like her.

I dropped her off this morning, she was fine, we went over the different ways she could deal with things. We got there early and when I left she was in a big group passing the ball around. The mean girls didn't arrive until I was in my van ready to leave which is kinda funny, think that was God's way of keeping those huzzies out of my sight? I would never have said anything but I can't say that I wouldn't have shot a dirty look or two.

I'm having a Tupperware party tonight which I'm deeply regretting. Between work and getting kids to and from camp, I've barely been home. I don't even know who is coming. Watch it only be like one person or something. I could kick myself for doing it this week.

I guess everyone will just have to look past the dust.

2006-07-25T09:11:00.000-05:00

Glad to see Blogger is working today, I was unable to get to my blog yesterday.

As you can see we are back safe and sound from our vacation. I absolutely loved the Outer Banks and plan on going back next year. We stayed in Duck, NC which is one of the northern towns. Our house was ocean side so the walk to the beach was minimal. We also had our own pool and hot tub which we all enjoyed daily. The weather was awesome even though we were under a tropical storm watch for a couple of days. Not a drop of rain though just bad rip tides. We didn't even go to the beach on Wednesday because of it and on Thursday a lady broke her leg trying to get out of the water. The waves were terrible and it was hard to get back on shore. I liked being in Duck because it was quiet but still close to some shops. The farther south you go the less there is but it was all beautiful. The water there is an awesome blue green. The ocean up here is murkier and dirtier, down there it's so clean, like it should be! We took a day trip all the way to Hatteras. JR and son climbed the lighthouse there and then we went farther down to take the ferry to Ocracoke Island. There really isn't anything to do on Ocracoke but it was still neat to go there. We ate dinner at Howard's Pub and then caught the ferry back.

All in all it was a good vacation.

JR had more blood tests and he does not have diabetes though he is being cautioned to watch his sugar intake from here on out.

All the kids are in camp this week. Oldest and son are at lacrosse camp and youngest is at Girl Scouts camp. Everyone is doing fine except the oldest. I'm sitting here with my stomach in knots over her. I just don't know how to help her. She's at this camp with several girls that she knows, that were on her team this year. Now these girls aren't who she wouldn't hang around outside of lacrosse but they are girls she's known for years. A couple of them can be catty. When I picked her up yesterday she said several times camp was fun. Later on she said that a couple of girls were making comments but nothing too bad. This morning she was fine until we got there. Most of the girls came together in one car just because most of the mothers work so they have someone else bring them. My daughter started to cry a little, it caught me off guard because I thought she was ok. I took her back to the van and she told me that all the girls had left her out yesterday, etc, etc. She had never said that one time to me last night or this morning.

Now I know girls are clickish, I know girls will leave other girls out. Been there, done that. But I also know that my daughter is super sensitive and takes things personally, things that aren't even meant to be taken that way. Sometimes she honestly thinks that people are scheming to do things to upset her. She is paranoid. I know at her age fitting in with a group is very important but sometimes you have to step out to fit in. You can't expect people to consider your feelings, if they are in a circle passing the ball, step in the circle and pass too. She thinks they should ask her and if they don't ask, then they don't like her when really it's probably that they just didn't think to ask. Sometimes I wonder if the other girls consider her standoffish or too high maintenance. I mean, it is hard being around someone that is too sensitive.

Of course then I wonder if it's something that I've done or haven't done as her mother for her to be so insecure. And I'm frustrated because I don't know how to help her and I'm tired too, it's mentally draining to have to talk her off the edge like I do. How do I make her see that not everyone is out to get her?

Another problem is I don't know how much of this is truth or her just being paranoid. I do know how mean girls can be, I remember it so I can't totally discount what she's saying. But then I also know how she can be too. I think she brings alot of this on herself by not including herself, by not stepping out and being friendly. If she's standing off, looking sour and hateful no one will approach her. I encourage her all the time to just be friendly, that people are drawn to that. If she does step out and try to speak to someone and she doesn't get the reaction she expects, she immediately thinks the person doesn't like her.

I worry about her future so much. I worry that she'll be alone if she keeps on. I don't know what to do or how to help her. I fear that she will find the acceptance she craves with boys just like I did. I'm seeing some of that now, I've had to take her cell phone away because of it.

We are all born with different personalities and such. Some people are loners, others love being around lots of people. Some are more serious, others happy go lucky. You are who you are. I don't want to change her, I just want to help her. How do I help her like herself, to have good self esteem? How do I help her if I've never had good self esteem? How do you help someone if you've never been able to help yourself?

Have I pushed my insecurities on her in some way? Is that why she's like this? It makes me ill to think that may be the case.

I hate not knowing what to do. I feel helpless because I fear that this is something I can't change.

2006-07-13T09:56:00.000-05:00

Just found out that my husband may have diabetes. He had a physical this morning and had sugar in his urine and his glucose level was high. He does have a big family history of diabetes.

It's hard to believe that my thin, active husband at 37 years of age may have this.

Anyone got any experience with diabetes and following the diabetic diet?

2006-07-13T07:24:00.000-05:00

Why oh why do people not keep the speed limit? I know I drive a bit fast at times but I at least want to do the speed limit, not 10 miles under. It seems like every time I'm on the road, I get behind someone like that. Maybe I'm supposed to be learning patience?

I'm totally stressing out now that I'm leaving in 2 days. Last night we were asked to come up to the local fireman's carnival and help out at a booth our boys lacrosse team is having as a fundraiser. I wanted to just say no but I want to help out so off we went. Tonight is the parade and the boys are having a float so of course we'll be up there so our son can participate and of course, they have asked us to help with the booth. I told them Friday was out, I'm going to be busting my butt getting things ready to leave at the god forsaken hour of 5:30am which means I will be up by 4:00am. 4:00am!!!

Last night older daughter's "boyfriend" showed up at the carnival which her brother loudly announced to her daddy, aren't little brothers wonderful? Of course the poor boy barely came near her because her daddy was by her side the whole time, on purpose I think, lol.

I won't be posting again until the 24th or so. When I come back I hope to be tan and well rested. The tanned part is pretty much a given, the well rested part is a toss up.

Well, I have a million and one things to get done today so I'd better get started. Don't miss me too much.

2006-07-12T07:49:00.000-05:00

We've decided to leave at 5:30am on Saturday. Not get up at 5:30, but leave by 5:30. I usually only see 5:30 once a day and that's the PM one! But I'd rather leave early and beat the traffic. We won't be able to get into our place until 3pm or so but we're just going to hang out at the beach.

I forgot to mention about the family day thing last night. We were so busy getting our lists straight and getting directions that I just didn't think of it. We've decided to take the Chesapeake Bay Bridge Tunnel and go that way. The tunnel is kinda creepy, we took it last year to Busch Gardens. I had never been through it before.

I'm off to Walmart after work. I hate going there. It seems like whenever I go, they are always putting products on the shelves and you can never get through. Can't they stock later at night when it's not so busy? I've also noticed that some of the employees won't move out of the way for you either. I had a group of 3 standing completely acrosse an aisle, they were chatting and saw me coming. They never moved, kept talking so I stopped right up to them. They still did not move. They would not move until I said excuse me and then they acted like it was a huge deal to do so. Just step aside, that's all I wanted. I so wanted to like run the cart over one of their feet.

I just hope this vacation goes well. I'm worried that my son will feel left out or be bored with all those girls. He is used to spending most of his time with girls because he spends a lot of time with his sisters. We don't live in a community and due to that my kids play with each other. It's not like they can just go down the street and play with friends. Sometimes I wonder if I should have their friends come over more often but for right now it's been ok. I think as they grow older my house will fill up with all their friends. At least I hope so. But anyway, I think JR will just have to do things with him like go fishing, throw the lacrosse ball.

I want to have a nice, relaxing week but I'm trying not to get too excited about going away. I don't want their to be this big let down. I know that sounds negative, it is negative. I guess that's kinda how I think most of the time which is sad. Expect the worst, hope for the best.

I was checking the weather for the Outer Banks, looks like the rip tides are pretty bad. I hope that calms down before we get there.

Not much else is going on, I need to make several phone calls and get a bill in the mail so my fil doesn't freak so I'd better motor.

2006-07-11T07:15:00.000-05:00

I leave for vacation this Saturday. I've spent so many months waiting for July 15th to get here, now I can't believe it's so close. Tonight we are getting together with the other family we are going with so we can get everything straight. I think we are planning to leave early, we've been told by several people that we need to get down there by lunch time no later because the traffic is so bad.

I've been married for almost 14 years so JR and I have been on several vacations through that time. This is the first time ever that he has said he can't wait to go, that he really needs a break. Things here at work have been crazy, we are trying to start a new house but with all the rain it's been hard. We dig the basement, it rains and floods the hole, then it caves in so we have to dig it back out. Then it rains again. We're actually pouring concrete there today, thank God. But then on top of everything else, the guy who was going to be the foreman for that job, doesn't want to be foreman anymore. He says it's too stressful to be foreman. So that means JR will have to do it. All our other foremen have jobs in progress right now so we can't pull them. JR is very frustrated because this kind of thing always happens every time his dad is trying to get him more into the business part of things, not the building part of things. This has happend several times over the past 5 years, I'm starting to wonder if it's happening for a reason.

But either way, JR is ready to go away. His parents will be leaving for their Alaskan cruise before we get back so he won't see his parents for 3 weeks. Of course his father is all stressed because we are about to leave which he does every year, he also stresses out when he's about to leave. So I'm just staying at my desk for the rest of this week and keeping to myself.

I'm hoping this vacation goes well. We've never gone away with another family for an entire week. I feel bad for my son, he'll be the only boy amongst 4 girls. He's always the only boy. I think I'm going to mention tonight that if they want to have a family day that we won't be offended. But then I'm afraid I'll offend them if I say that. I mean, maybe they want to spend everyday with us or something.

We're also going to plan a long weekend at Hershey Park in August. I love that place. I don't ride rides but I just love Hershey Park. It's so family friendly.

My sister found out on Friday that she's going to be a step-grandmother. Her stepson and his girlfriend are having a baby. They planned it too and have no plans to get married. It's so weird to think of my sister as a grandmother, I laugh every time I think about it.

I'm getting a manicure and a pedicure today. I need both badly, my feet are looking a bit rough and I can't go on vacation like that. Plus I need to make sure both my fingers and toes have the same color. I'm anal that way.

What's up with the gas prices? They have risen 16 cents in 2 weeks. It figures with us traveling all the way to Duck, NC. Grrr...

Val - I just want to thank you for your words of encouragement. You always make so much sense and I always feel better after your comments. You have a way of breaking things down so that I can see why I'm feeling the way I do.

Well, I need to go earn my paycheck and stay out of my fil's way.

2006-07-06T11:26:00.000-05:00

I'm not feeling very inspired today so I know this post will be full of complaints. I warn you now.

I have so many feelings running around in my head that I don't know where to begin or if I can begin. Mainly because I hate to sound whiney or hateful. But truthfully, that's just how I feel. Hateful.

I can't put my finger on a single reason for feeling this way. I was going along good and then wham, I was taken over by the hateful bug. Or maybe this hatefulness is always within me and just rears it's ugly head from time to time.

I know that I feel like so much in my life is beyond my control. I don't like that. Intellectually I know that all things work out, sooner or later. But I am my mother's daughter and I don't like feeling like my life is out of my control.

I also know that the task of raising three children has overwhelmed me lately. It's not really raising all three of them that has become harder, it's mostly with my oldest but I will have 3 teenagers at once before long and that is what overwhelms me. I need to just take it one day at a time.

I'm angry with my husband. It's not that he's done something wrong, he's just being him. He's a good guy, he works hard but he really doesn't have a clue half the time. I often wonder if he loses sleep over the changes in our daughter, if he lays there worrying like I do. I doubt it.

Sometimes I wish I were him. I wish that I could get up in the morning and be responsible for only myself. I wish that I could come and go pretty much as I'd like to without it not being one big hassle. I wonder what it's like to be him. He doesn't have to worry about the kids like I do.

And that makes me mad.

But this is a situation of my own making. I can blame no one but myself ultimately. Of course he was going to let me take control, that makes his life easier. The thing is I don't ever remember making the decision for things to be this way. It mainly happened because I chose to stay at home so of course the kids and the house would be primarily my job. But now that I work outside the home, I don't have the time to devote to the house, especially with keeping the kids and their schedules straight. So in order to get the house straight, I would have to neglect the kids somewhat and I don't want to do that. Or I could just try and do it all (like I have been) and lose my mind in the process.

I'm tired of running myself ragged and not having any time for myself. He gets time for himself. It's sad that I have to go to work in order to sit still and have some peace and quiet.

Right now my house is a mess. My laundry is piled up and I have absolutely no desire to take care of any of it. But I hate how the place looks which then makes me hateful.

I know I need an attitude change. I really don't see this changing any. He's only going to get busier. The kids are going to keep growing older and getting busier.

And here I'll still be sitting. Overwhelmed and stressed.

I look out for my kids, that's my job as a parent. But you know, I look out for my husband too. But you know what else, no one looks out for me. No one. No one bothers to notice if I'm tired or if I need a hand. It's like I don't exist or my feelings don't exist.

Maybe because I hide my feelings well. I do. I don't wear my emotions on my sleeve. Usually I'll just bottle it up and then let loose when the pressure is too much.

I think it's normal for us as women to feel taken advantage of. I sometimes wonder if he even sees all that I do in order to make his life easier. But who makes my life easier?

I used to feel so resentful of him and I tried very hard to work through all that. Here I sit though feeling like that again.

I've gotten to the point where I don't even want to be around him. I'm too irritated.

Right now we're here in the office together and we've barely had a conversation since he came in. The one we did have, he pissed me off and he knows he pissed me off so he'll avoid me now.

Whatever.

I told you I was hateful.

2006-07-03T07:44:00.000-05:00

No four day weekend here for me. I have dragged myself here to the office this morning, literally. We were at parties yesterday from 1pm to 11pm. The kids swam, we all got sunburn but it was fun. I'm just so tired right now. Ugh.

I want to thank you for all your words of wisdom after my last post. I guess I'm feeling better about everything. I just have to take one day at a time and not look at the big picture. Plus I have to take comfort in knowing that God has a plan and it will all work out somehow, maybe not how I'd like it to but that's how it is sometimes.

Younger daughter loved Girl Scout camp last week, she hated for it to be over. She was so cute hugging all her new friends good bye.

This week my son has lacrosse camp from Wednesday to Saturday, thankfully right here in town where I work so it will be easy. Next week we have no camps, we'll just be getting ready for vacation!!!!

I am so ready to be on the beach, I'm praying for good weather. I've been told the water is much cleaner at the Outer Banks than here so that will be nice.

I don't know whether you've seen on the news that we've had some major flooding here in Maryland. On Saturday I took the kids to a local beach, one that I grew up swimming at, I hadn't been there in about 4 years. This beach is on the Chesapeake Bay. I packed us a lunch, a cooler full of drinks and we set off for a day at the beach. We get there and the entire shore line is full of logs, trash, sticks and then I read the signs-swimming not advised, water has been tested and found to have raw sewage, animal waste and bacteria. YUCK. So, the kids played in the sand and we ate our lunch and headed home. Very disappointing. But with all the flooding and they opened some of the gates of the Conawingo Dam, I should've known it would be bad. It looked like after a hurricane though it was that bad.

I'm off to get some billing done if I can manage to think straight. Time for some caffeine.